My innermost apocalypse

[XavierHP]

Right now I'm 18 yo, studying Psychology in a respected college in this area, thanks to a government program which pays everything for me. Much better than my other situation, where I was forced to attend to a techincal course in Informatics which I absolutely hated although I loved my friends there. In fact, I don't know what would be of me were I not in such a friendly ambient. Actually, had I not experienced life there, I would not have developed as a human being, I'd possibly be a despicable person like my self past, would not have found out the way of Psychology as my career choice... and I could have died two days ago.
So, what happened, is that when I was taking the bus back home, two homeless teens entered the bus without paying. One of them sitted beside me, and was trying to get my smartphone. He was saying how his friend got a gun with him, he asked me if I ever saw a real gun. The next time, I was talking to him. I asked the boy if he believed in God, he said yes, then I asked if he thought He would be happy with that, he said he knew He didn't but that's how he had to go. He was 14, and had already went in imprisonment 3 times since his first time as 7. Such is the way of the world here in Brazil, where the laws aren't enforced, the police doesn't protect the guys without riches like us, and the bandits are the true rulers of the town. In the end, I had to give him 10 bucks, out of my own safety - something much worse could have happened if I didn't give any money "on my own will". Today I met these 2 again, they went out of the bus in the same stop as me, one of them followed me and wanted me to show him my smartphone - just so he could steal it and run away. Of course, that trick is pretty old and I just said I had to go home. But... I'm worried, he might have seen me entering my building, and he could be waiting for me there the next times. The next weeks I will be taking a different route home so I have less chance of running into them again, but I'm still very worried they could be lying there, near my building, so they can take more money from me, if not simply assaulting me. Why does it have to be like that? Why do we have to be refugees inside our own neighbourhood, afraid of simply walking near our own homes?
This situation has made me started to think a lot about our social condition. I am even starting to develop a concept, which I call the Artificial Equalizator. The less favored people, who are ignored by the public measures, are capable of "hiding", and they equalize themselves with anyone by the means of crime. In this sense, the guns they have are Artificial Equalizators, which makes us not different from them; our finance conditions are ignored the moment you are threatened to hand your material things won over hard effort of you and your parents or to have your guts blown. They are equal to us in that moment, if not superior, and they can do that because there is no vigilance, no one really cares about the semi-poor, government-helped student who could have a better future were he not in a forsaken land not different from the Middle Ages. In fact, the things here have seemed to regress so much we really are in a new Dark Age, it seems. The new employment politics are a retrocess to all the conquests the workers of the land have so bravely fought for, and the deep rooted religion leaders have their hands dirty by corruption money and political schemes, they just care about their own pockets, and ignore all the beliefs they supposedly have in God. And no one cares, it's deeply imprinted in Brazilian culture, as I learned in college: this country's people are used to always be in bad situations and don't care, they just carry on, pretending they are happy and putting themselves down...
The worst part of this, is that I too, alienate myself on purpose. After coming back from school I just run away to my computer, and proceed to waste my time doing useless stuff, instead of actually dedicating it to study or anything like that. I do that just so I can keep my mind away from the important things of life, from the challenges I'd have to face in a real life, from the soul pain I really have deep inside me and surfaces as soon as I plug my mind away from the electronic devices and face myself in the bed, lying down engulfed by the peaceful, quiet darkness, and remember I'm nothing more than just a coward, a loser with no talents, who is only here because he lucked out. This loser doesn't have any real qualities. By looking closer in the mirror, he sees a disgusting face, a face he absolutely didn't want to have. This loser doesn't really have any kind of special abilities, he is bland, uninteresting, reserved, quiet, and idiotic. This loser tries to look like he's a saint or something when he truly despises even his caring parents inside his soul, because he knows it was their fault he's in this broken world, it's because they weren't able to educate him properly he can't do anything useful now. Deep inside this loser's essence, a huge shadow filled with a hatred that consumes its own soul and body is fated to burn eternally until he decays completely, realizing all his existence was purposeless.
I sometimes think that I'm automatically driven to do what I seem to want, I seem to have no motivations, going to school simply because I unconsciously force myself to get up at 5 AM, and even if I like that ambient I seem to fail to see any motivations, any purposes inside myself. Even if there are things I want to do/have, I can't mobilize myself to fight for it. I'm just a passive spectator of my illusionary everyday happy life. I have, for so long , a very deep wish to find my other half, the person to complete me, to inspire and motivate me, but even after 18 years I failed to find someone to really care about me as a lover. Hell, I haven't even kissed a girl yet! Of course, I understand that, after all who'd want to relate with someone as bland and pathetic as me, right? "He isn't even handsome, his face is gruesome, and his breath is fetid, there is no reason to ever try to get closer to him!", it's what they think, and what I think too, I'm sure of it. That's why I can't seem to move myself away from this, I seem to have conformed with this... just like the imprinting of my country's culture... ahahahahaha... how ironic. It seems like I was fated to be a loser from the beginning, after all. I don't believe in destiny, I think it's possible to change our fates, if we want, but I have no resolve. In the end, I might end up as another broken mind in society, just a regular worker in an ill world. And I am possibly going to end up all alone. And that's what I fear the most, it's something inconceivable to me! It's not fair that I should end up like that, but still it's such a close reality! And even by knowing that I end up not doing anything because I'm worthless!
I... can't do this anymore... I can't stand to this suffering I'm going through. Even if I consult with a psychologist, even if I seem to have a regular life, nothing seems to be changing, ever. And yet, no one knows about this, no one would really care. I always show to my friends I'm a fun, intellectual person who doesn't care about what others think, that I'm a free mind. They all know that. But that's just a complete lie, even I want to believe in. It's just a social mask I wear, and I can't remove it ever, or else I'll be unprotected, I'll lose in the game of existence. But still then, the more I hide the truth from myself and the others, the more it consumes me, but I can't tell anyone because they wouldn't care, and I don't have enough strenght. I can only talk about this here, through my computer, where I can expose this but still shelter myself from outside. And yet, this coward who is afraid of everything still wants people to gather closer, he wants a partner for his life... isn't it ridiculous? That's just how I am, this worthless being.
It seems... I came in a downward spiral from the beginning of the text to the end, just like how an iceberg shows only a small fraction of it out of the water and a huge glacier underwater. But I don't know a shit about my being yet, nor will I know, nor will I actually care to know because I'm weakminded. And still them, I realize I won't be accomplishing my dreams. I can't have anyone I love on my side because I am too selfish and useless to be able to be on someone's side when they need to. Yet I believe I won't be getting out of this situation if I don't find this person. A vicious circle, one that seems to seal my path to happiness. What could I do in a situation like this? My entire being shivers in despair by knowing that, but I can't do nothing... I can't! I'm a loser! I'm pathetic! I'm worthless! I know that! But I don't want to be like that! And way inside me there a very faint light that believes I don't need to be like that, but I can't do anything about it, in the end...
I should be ending the text here, I wrote way too much... but I thank you very much if you read it all...