Time for a new forum.
My main problem is insomnia. It is not second to a psychological disorder. It is not due to apnea, pituitary tumor, low serotonin to melatonin, poor sleep hygiene.... etc.... etc... If you have thought of it I have probably thought of it cause this has been my life for 20 years. 8 of it I spent sleeping 1-2hours a night while being harassed by peers, abandoned to take care of myself by my mom, and put down by my stepdad to the point a highschool mandated psychiatrist reported him for verbal abuse.
I think the main result from this is actually PTSD. I was reading an article by one doctor who was trying to understand how she found so many patients with ptsd from childhood that were not abused. It was basically abandonment. No one to rely on, no one to talk to, no one to reassure, no one to fix injuries, no one to give support..... Alone. If you got emotional you were to leave the conversation or people would stop talking to you until you could converse calmly. If I got sick I was ignored in my room until I got better and never checked on to see if I had gotten worse. Sometimes my injuries on the farm weren't treated. I went off a horse head first from 40mph and lost memory of 2 weeks of my life. My mom took me to a doctor when I was complaining I'd had wrist pain for 2 months since it happened. They told me to take aspirin. Once I suffered a puncture wound near my spine and it got infected. I told my mom but she didn't want to deal with it. (this becomes important) Finally with the swollen raised area the size of my palm and a fever building I knew from animals that this could not continue. When you are a teenager and can't get help from an adult and can't get yourself to medical attention you hope you learned enough from taking care of animals your whole life. I sterilized a pocket knife and drained the wound. Then I spent years getting it to close cleanly and stay closed.
Continue through insomnia and life situation causing anxiety and depression. I was suicidal for many years and then reached the point I felt suicidal for so long I quit feeling anything. There was this dull ache inside that made me cry whenever I was alone and then turned back into nothing but an ache when people were around. All emotion was faked and every smile was calculated to make people think I was normal. I finally broke out of that state when I started sleeping as a side effect to other meds, got away from home, and started martial arts. I perfectly remember the moment I was doing martial arts moves and I realized that I cared again if I got hurt and died.
Fast forward another 5 years. I had been finding short term boyfriends off okcupid and then I met my husband. Shortly after I became ill. For near 5 years they could not figure out why. My meds had to be raised to have any effect and I gained a ton of weight. I could barely go through the motions of martial arts. Finally an odd fall on a wood floor revealed an infection. That little puncture wound that had not given me problems for years had been simmering a little infection under it. The infection had turned into a big infection and had spread through my back making it near impossible at the end to stay standing and move or twist for more than a few minutes. My white cell count never reached a level that would show this. My family had denied I was ill for the past several years and just yelled at me more for not getting things done when I was fighting my sluggish body to get my muscles to work. In surgery they cut 6" along my spine and cleared tissue 4" out. I lost the top of my butt. I asked for help after surgery. My mom stopped by, told me I needed to do the laundry and dishes, took one garbage bag and left. That was my after surgery support.
I am improving. The new sleep aid belsomra is helping me psychologically. I've stopped benzos except taking flurazepam as a break from belsomra occasionally and I have gone from 800mg seroquel to 500mg. I feel a lot more motivated without that seroquel. I am trying to improve physically. I am missing muscle tissue and suffered long lasting circulatory and respiratory problems. Some days get bad but most days I force myself up and about to exercise, take care of animals, and work on my garden. Maybe I can go back to working at a horse stable. Right now I'm trying to find the best way to stay motivated to get back in shape.