don't want to give up

[fidreeeoil]

I'm male. I've been depressed pretty much all my life since adolescence. I've toughed it out. In high school and college, very few girls would date me. Three did, once each. I got the friend line from them, and almost everyone I asked. I never had sex, never kissed. Nobody wanted to. I don't know why.

That used to drive me wild. In private I'd weep and scream and want to hurt myself. I'd toy with knives or guns or pills. I tried to find better answers.

I kept trying fix myself, to make myself better so someone would want me. I exercised, lifting and running, dieting. I read - current events, self help, literature, math, science, history, fantasy, anything. I went to college and got a degree (4.0 gpa). I'd focus on something for four or five years, then when that didn't help, i.e. didn't get a "yes", I'd try something else. I played music and still do. I've been in bands. I went to church for a time, two different periods.

I guess I've had a pretty high sex drive, but with zero partners, I don't know. I remember climaxing from age 7. It's been a pressure to me every day and night for almost 40 years.

When I was 43 I started to hang with gay guys. I've always been attracted to both genders. I came out. I went to gatherings and bars. I wasn't able to connect. I don't know why. Guys I was attracted to gave me the same old friend line. Maybe genders aren't as different as a lot of people think.

I've fallen in love with 6 people over the years, as much in love as one-sided could be, with 3 women and 3 men. When I'm alone and feel hurt or ashamed my voice involuntarily cries out their names. I almost can't control that, and sometimes it'll pop right out in public.

I've been into drugs for two significant stretches of my life, eff'd up all day every day for years. Both times I got into it to try and connect with people. Didn't work. Got unhooked on my own; it's harder than getting hooked. These days I'm sober and straight.

I'm 61 now. I've worked my whole adult life, decent money. I've had friends, a couple of them close. A lot of people who said they were friends seem to have needed money, quite a lot of money, for years some of them. I've given away tens of thousands of dollars, always hoping it would help someone see me the way I wanted to be seen. My experience has been that when the money stopped, those friends drifted away. But they all say I'm a nice guy.

I keep myself as presentable as I know how - clean, neat, fit, informed. I don't think I'm ugly or badly dressed. I try to be polite, but I have a sometimes vulgar sense of humor. I can get people to laugh. Children like me; animals like me.

People have always confided in me. I've listened to a lot of people's problems, sometimes at great lengths, middle of the night, whatever, and if they want then I help them as best I can. Somehow it never works like that in the other direction. Nobody will get close to me. If I reach out, they pull back, they push away. That's both physically and emotionally.

Maybe I'm too intense somehow. People have mentioned that, not really negatively. I'm not big or scary, but maybe I project something like that - not intentionally. One girl who gave a reason for not wanting to connect with me said I seemed so serious, and she wondered how it would be if we had a relationship and then it went bad.

I've lived alone since 2005 when my father died. I took care of him for about 10 years after he had a stroke. I've been unemployed a year now. I'm alone pretty much all the time. I don't have tv or newspapers. I get news & weather & info & entertainment from the internet. And pornography, yeah. But it isn't what I want. I want to hug someone and kiss them. I want to sleep touching somebody. I want to love someone and be loved back. I want to get laid at least once before I die.

If it wasn't for music, I would surely have died already. Doing music every day has kept me sane enough to go on. Some people say I'm good. But that doesn't mean they want to connect, no, they don't want to get close, not unless they want me to listen to their problems or they want help.

This all must be my doing. It must be. I don't understand. A friend tells me I haven't met the right person, I haven't made myself available. What? Everywhere I've been - school, work, churches, bars, music groups, parties, friends' homes - I've been available. I've verbalized it and I've shown it, I've asked, I've hit on people, I've reached out. Not continuously, but when it seemed appropriate. What I can see of what other people do to connect does not work for me.

Another friend has advised anti-depressant medications. That seems like giving up, like admitting I'm not good enough. Another friend has advised prostitutes. That seems wrong too, again like I'm not good enough. And I'm half afraid a prostitute would refuse me; that would be hard to take. I've failed at what's apparently the commonest, easiest thing for a man to do. (Sometimes I worry about the possibility that success wouldn't fix anything, jeez . . . but I'd take that chance, for sure.)

I can stand a lot. I'm strong. I can make myself do right things. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I get thoughts that should never see the light of day. Sometimes I go crazy alone, not to hurt anyone, but I feel so bad that it's like I hallucinate, hear things or see things. I dream dreams so crazy they can't be described, so intense I can't wake up right. When it gets bad, I walk around my empty house, around and around, a couple hours at a time, chanting "I'm going to commit suicide, I'm going to commit suicide" over and over, in time to my pacing. Or, "I'm going to kill myself". It makes me feel better.

I think about suicide a lot. I'm so, so, so tired inside. I'm tired of trying, of improving myself, of getting up in the morning, of keeping going. I can't stop crying lately. I don't understand. I'm healthy, whole, and secure, yet I feel as tormented as I think it is possible for me to feel.

I am very depressed now. I'm crying. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Is this world real? Is it a test, or a punishment? Was I abandoned here by aliens?

I have a gun . . . . . no, not yet.

But this hurts bad.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Welcome to the forums fidreeeoil. It's really nice to meet you.

Your right life should never have to hurt like this. My heart ached for you as I read every single word you wrote.

There is a song that reminds me of how you must be feeling. It's by a band called Nickelback and the name of the song is " Gotta Be somebody "

I know how you feel. I hurt too. Your not alone. In a world as big as the one we live in , I know how alone I know you must feel but please know your not alone.

I'm glad you found this site it's a good site full of caring people who truly listen when nobody else in your life does.

[Serryk]

I understand you perfectly.
I'm the friend guy, everybody loves, everybody trust, but no one wants.
I'm good for hung out with, to be the best man, godfather, to help and hold hands in times of need. But when comes to what is needed for me to be happy, seems like no one want to be part of it. Is almost like they are saying: not possible, we are not even from the same species.
The way i see, there is a line which i'm not allowed to cross. Every time i manage my way around it, the rules change, the world changes, the reality changes.
Like you. I'm also tired to fight against it.
I didn't ended my life yet because there's no guarantees that i'll succeed. Is bad enough the way it is, the consequences of failure are unspeakable.

-You are not alone in this path. I feel your pain and i know what you are going thru. We all need someone to connect.

Basic human contact is bigger than any idea. It takes you outside yourself. It's more comforting than words. Without it, we'd die. Sometimes, it's not enough. And sometimes it's enough for now. Contact grounds you. It brings you back.
(Saving hope)

[100footpole]

You wrote:

Another friend has advised anti-depressant medications. That seems like giving up, like admitting I'm not good enough.

Please go read my work and play post and know that I've been on anti-depressents (SSRIs) since the 80s. I prefer to think of my depression as something un-natural, like diabetes, that can be fixed with anti-depressents. So, yes, I have given up, in the same way a diabetic gives up when they take insulin. I have talked to my doctor and had my prescription upped a couple of times, but I have never taken more than the pre-scribed dose. There have been times when I felt really great when I started to cut my dose back, but circumstances always bring me back to the regular dose. I think age causes me to ask for more.


Next you wrote:

Another friend has advised prostitutes. That seems wrong too, again like I'm not good enough. And I'm half afraid a prostitute would refuse me; that would be hard to take.

I have never been with a prostitute, but I have friends that have - on business trips. My friends did it in the sense of a bachelor party - its a cultural thing. I have moral reasons not to go to a prostitute, but my friends have explained to me that it is a business transaction, and to them the prostitute is like a high end servant. The costs they pay for the service seem on par with medical costs ... and I imagine that like medicine, cost is relatively proportional to value. One friend described the difference between a prostitute and a stripper as being similar to the difference between a Hooter's waitress and a stripper. They all have different personal boundaries, and perhaps abilities.

That being said, I think prostitute is a terrible idea. Seeing a prostitute to me is a lot like the doctors and nurses that went to West Africa to work with Ebola. Why would you get all that education to risk your life. The doctors and nurses would argue that it was important to them. So be it.

you end your paragraph:

I've failed at what's apparently the commonest, easiest thing for a man to do. (Sometimes I worry about the possibility that success wouldn't fix anything, jeez . . . but I'd take that chance, for sure.)

and later write

I guess I've had a pretty high sex drive, but with zero partners, I don't know. I remember climaxing from age 7. It's been a pressure to me every day and night for almost 40 years.

When I was 43 I started to hang with gay guys. I've always been attracted to both genders. I came out. I went to gatherings and bars. I wasn't able to connect. I don't know why. Guys I was attracted to gave me the same old friend line. Maybe genders aren't as different as a lot of people think.

When I was going to school in the early 80s I ended up working in a porno bookstore. At the bookstore they showed movies in booths in the back, and there were "glory holes" between the back. There were really stinking guys who went back there and got lucky ... maybe once every five times, but it happened. When I read your post you seem to be looking for connections and not just sex. If you are looking for sex there are other web sites that can probably tell you more. You probably have to pay to join them. Ask your friend who recommended the prostitute what their thoughts are.

You didn't mention a therapist. I recommend that you talk to your doctor to help you find a therapist who is into CBT - cognitive behavior therapy - which is outcome based. Go ahead and spend $1000 with that person to see if you get the results that you want. If you don't talk to your friend again about the prostitute. Like I said, I'm pretty sure that won't make you feel better, but it will give you something different to talk about with your friends or if you want to try therapy a second time.