Really confused..

[beckums83]

Hi there..

Like the subject says I'm really confused. I'm just recently realizing that I have depression but one really frustrating part about it is that I have to put on this big smile and take care of other people for a living. It's so exhausting to get up every morning and be a caregiver when I care so little about myself.

Another frustrating thing is wanting to be alone yet not wanting to be alone. I think this confuses friends and family the most. I hate the idea of being a burden on someone else so I keep it to myself. My family has enough issues without me so I don't like the idea of being a burden. I know isolating myself is better for keeping other people from being dragged down with me but it's terrible for me. But all I want to do is sleep.. be away from my negative thoughts, memories, anxieties. It hurts my heart to say this but sleep is like a little slice of death and waking up makes me sad. This, amongst other negative thoughts and, the scariest thing.. just going downright numb.. has brought me to looking for help. I don't know where to start, though.. I found this forum but I know I need professional help. I don't go to doctors unless it's an emergency but I know how I feel and what I'm thinking isn't healthy so I just need a bit of advice. I do have health insurance.. I'm just not sure where to turn without overwhelming myself.

I'm sorry if I've brought anyone down :/ I just don't know what else to do other than ask for help from someone who might understand..

[Theblackdragon]

Wow,
this sounds so familiar. I don't take care of others for a living but I try my best to take care of my wife who has suffered from depression for years and as such I have to try to keep the smile on otherwise she will get worse. while in reality I just want to sleep forever and hide from everything. I so know what you mean. everyday I wake up I have to wonder if it was really for the better. not that I want to die, I just don't want to live feeling the way I feel. so you do your best to bottle everything up and then you really do become numb. I think it becomes a natural defense at some point. feeling nothing is better than feeling pain all the time. or is it. feeling nothing isn't really living either. I am sorry but I do not really have an answer for you although I will say this. you are certainly not alone. I am as confused as you.