why i am strange ,maybe i have gone mad .please dont tell ,,

[xn728]

i start work at 7 am /but i have to get up at 4.30 am to prepare myself .strange
i cant look people in the eyes ,im scared they can see my devil .strange
i talk to myself ,hold long conversations ,i curse my visitor even though i fear it .strange
i cry and scream and bang my head in a secret place so no body will see .strange
i have no true emotions,so i have created mental masks i wear to compensate ,strange
why because the misery and pain of my depression is so strong it rides over everything strange
i pick up insects and things so they dont get crushed ,careing
i write comment on people storys here because i want to help ,compassionate
it makes me scared when i do this i feel i will be punished by the visitor strange
i dont like emoticons there false and unessary ,mardy
i wish people who have killed and raped and other such things ,should be given a strong dose of depression , strange
i feel sorry for lost or discarded cuddly toys laid in the road ,weird
i dont like the sun ,i feel its warmth,but it means the days are longer more time to suffer ,fear
i think when life is over man or beast the life force is realeast into the air /and they exist all around us ,so we can feel the presanse of our lost loved ones we can talk and they will listen ,they will laugh and cry with us ,so reach out and see what you can feel .opinion

we are all together here but with different degrees of pain ,but we can all benifit from each others stories ,i may seem differant even odd ,but i have had a long hard life ,with this thing living within me ,i know there will be more to come and i will cry more ,but i have to go on .so reach out and we will catch your fall,,,,,,,,,,,,,xn728

[Aurelia5]

First, let me say that I share some of your feelings. Many of the ones you think are strange are good. You're just unique, that's all.

Next, that little piece of writing gets an A+ from me for creativity, content, and composition. I think it was really good. The philosophy teachers would be thrilled with you, as would the English and Psych teachers in any college.

You DO have feeling, or you wouldn't be banging your head on the wall. You wouldn't care about the bug. You wouldn't fear getting flamed. You feel, more than most people. You feel, stronger than most people. You fear, more than most people. Your emotions are a tiger, and you have him by the tail.

First thing that comes to mind is - are you taking any antidepressants, are you addicted to anything, have you ever gotten help with your 'Devil'? You sound like a really intellegent and interesting person that just needs a little help keeping his/her mind in check. Let me know. You also sound like you need someone NOW. Please write back.

[xn728]

read the storys ,dont worry im not going anywere ,lithium keeps me level ,i have to be careful its toxic ,i have seen so many phycys over the years you wouldent believe. if you read my posts in storys you will understand more ,i suffer a great deal and will more ,this is why i post ,i have experiance witch may be useful to others .i dont post for sympathy,its just a word that ends in (why). i have to live my life this way so i can survive ,strange i know but it works ,the visitor has been my companion for a long time ,it stood by my side while i raised my family ,2 girls both good /in good jobs /my wife lung deseise ,but we live it together ,i would give my life to make hers better .but i cant do that she needs me to look after her ,so apart from my own suffering i have this to cope with as well ,it was a gift a purpose to drive me on against all odds ,gifts are not always good things are they ,i will write more things and i hope you will read them ,we are all special here ,we have powers within us to survive and cope ,some do this better than others they need to reach deeper within themselves , i get little gifts /one day while i was at work i suddenly felt imensely happy for about 10 seconds /the visitor had let its grip slip for a moment ,and the gift had been reliesed, even it can make mistakes ,it stands beside me now ,never speaks or gestures but i now it doesnt like me writing on here it feels threatend i may make freinds and gain strength to use against it .the visitor makes me see things when i close my eyes to go to sleep ,i hear screams i fear the next day coming so much that i start tearing my self apart before the current day has ended ,yes i have the true feelings inside ,love hate compassion etc ,but you live in a busy world of darkness and horror they become lost and i dont have the courage to look for them ,i am strange ,i was stoned and bullyed at school kids would hurl bricks at me ,i grew up alone no brothers or sisters ,i rode motoercyclesfrom being 12 up till 19 ,when i started work i was not like other men ,i had a new forman once and when he shook my hand ,i didnt look in his eyes i have never been able to look in peoples eyes /he said to me i dont trust anybody who doesnt look at me when shacking hands /still gripping his hand i looked him in the eyes and said its because im frightened of what i might see .he never came near me again ,so this is me dont be concerned im ok im a veteran of this war i will never be honered /but i wont be a cowered either ,i have studied your reply /and i feel you understand a lot of it ,so you see i have been given another gift /understanding ,,,,,,,,,,reach out ,,,,,,,,,xn728

[Aurelia5]

XN-
I'm glad you've got the upper hand even though your visitor (for me, my Mind) is constantly on your back.

What are these stories you mention?

Lithium can be odd. Once I was on it and it effectively removed the depression, along with my entire personality. My husband said it was like living with a really pleasant android.
The next time I took it it nearly killed me. The halflife is longer than the dosing times and it built up, built up, and one more day of it, I would've ended up in the emergency room. Low blood pressure, vomiting, ect. - things that don't happen to me. One time I threw up at work, fortunately in the bathroom, and freaked out my already-freaked-out coworkers. ( I am just too odd and independent for most people) When she fired me I asked why, and she said, and I quote, "Because you say and do strange things." Telling an already fragile person something like that is not only cruel, but downright dangerous. That was almost three years ago and I still stew over it. My Mind just LOVES to drag it out of the closet and rake it me over it every chance it gets.

There is a really nice lady in this forum called Monty who tried ECT and it worked for her. Have you considered that? I'm thinking about it. I just don't want to lose what is left of my already beleagured memory. The Xanax and Oxycodone I have to take wreck my memory. Otherwise I have tried all other types of antidepressants and am what my psychiatrist calls Treatment Resistant. Means I haven't killed myself yet, but am still living on the edge of a chasm. Like you, my husband keeps me alive. And like your situation, he has terminal prostate cancer. I am in the process of trying to find out what is wrong with my body; in a nutshell I'm 53 and am living in the body of a deteriorating 75 year old. I need to get fixed so I can take care of him later when the treatment no longer works. All the doctors I've gone to sort of say, gee, that's too bad and let it go. Half of them think Fibromyalgia is real, and the other half think it's a good word for aches and pains and gives them a reason to get me out of their office faster.

I frequently get afraid in exactly the manner you describe. But I am too fragile to tough it out. I take a life-saving Xanax. Works. Then I get more of those fleeting little happy times you describe. I get a solid 15 minutes of those after my oxycodone, and I realize it's because I am out of this endless intense pain. I don't take more to extend the feeling, I'm not of an addictive personality,(the doctors just CAN'T believe that I don't get addicted to things)(except my husband) and I'm not a martyr, like my sister who seems to love being in pain and not doing anything about it. Maybe she thinks she'll get an award.

I am glad you wrote back to me. Your frame of mind is so similar to mine. I just use more armour than you do. I'll look a person in the eye and if I see something bad there, I won't look away. They then know they can't get at me, I'm ready for them. It's my goddamned Mind I can't control. Like your visitor, it stays close.

Hope this is a little gift for this day.

Aurelia

[xn728]

my storys are in under depression /anxiety/bipolar/in my storys there are about four,i have just put another 1 on /thanks for your reply /wont be around long very tired been up for work since 4.00am its 9.00pm here in england now /hpoe you find the storys ,,,,,,,xn728 ,,more tommorrow i have lots to give ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,