The history of my depression (summary)

[XxRebelAngelxX]

(I'm turning 15 in a few days, just to point that out for story purposes)

I've been taking meds since I was eight years old because I was always depressed. When I was around my friends (I only had around 2-4 at the time) I was alright. When I was alone I was a wreck. As the years went by it became worse. I saw two therapist and had a side doctor for meds that were supposed to help me with my depression, help me focus, and help me fall asleep (I use to have night terrors). Also, I was and still am bullied. I've always been a little bit taller and more "developed" than all of the other girls, and I guess I was an easy target. My grandfather, who was like a second father to me and I saw him almost every weekend, died of lung cancer on New Years Day. My depression spiked. My music taste changed, my style changed, and I became more miserable. I lost MANY friends because of my style change, and I felt alone. My best friend (I've known her since I was only a few months old) told me she didn't care about me, she could care less if I was miserable and asked me to go nag to somebody else. I didn't want to scare my other friends off, so I didn't tell anyone how I felt. So throughout seventh and eighth grade I pretended to be happy, just so my friends wouldn't leave me just like all the other ones had. I met friends in eighth grade who decided to talk behind my back and tell people things that weren't true. One friend that I had met was in a similar situation that I was and still am, but she seems better now.
I told her things, and she told me so personal things so I didn't tell anyone. One day she told me she liked me. I nicely told her no, simply because I'm straight and I didn't like girls like that.
So then she took it upon herself to tell people the things I told her, except this time twist them in a totally different way.
I lost even more friends, yet I was still there for her because I'm always there for anyone, they call me a therapist, which I wouldn't say is 100% true (of course).

Throughout the year I helped people with their problems even if they weren't there for me. Little did I realize my "boat" was sinking. My depression got worse. During the school year I met this guy, and he was so nice and funny. Or so I thought.
We eventually started hanging out, which led to him kissing me and hugging and such. Nothing truly bad

This continued throughout the summer up until the beginning of ninth grade, until I realized he was doing the same thing with one of my CLOSE FRIENDS. I was so hurt.

Yep, you guessed it, my depression got worse. We continued to "date" after he called it off with her.
I wish I could go back and tell myself to trust myself more often (I told myself it wasn't a good idea, but I didn't listen).

So one night when we were hanging out, he decided to "take things to the next level". Yeah, I didn't like that. I told him to stop, and he wouldn't listen. I'm so happy that I had the guts to push him off, because I'm not a forceful person at all.
Yet, I still went out with him. I had convinced myself that I deserved it. People had convinced me that I was ugly, worthless, and I should just go kill myself and save everyone the trouble. It hurt even more because my friends just stood there and watched what happened to me and giggle. Yet when it happened to them, I always helped them. So I was alone and I felt worthless. My boyfriend told me only he could love me. So I stayed with him. We just recently broke up because he wanted another girl. This guy, as I forgot to mention, was my bestfriend. I had one boy, and one girl bestfriend. He had helped me at one point and I still helped him no matter what.

I've lost both of my bestfriends, I'm struggling with grades because I can't concentrate anymore because I keep having suicidal thoughts, and I feel worthless. I've never self harmed because my music has distracted me along with my art and I use to play a lot of videogames too. I've lost interest in everything I once loved, and I only want to hang out with friends to distract me from my horrible thoughts. Either that or I just want to listen to music and draw art.

I cry almost every night for no apparent reason (sometimes), I feel as if I have a huge hole in my chest (I've felt this way since my grandfather died), and I can heal it only momentarily. Only 2 of my friends told me they care, but I don't want to tell them when I'm feeling down in fear that I will drive them away.

I just, I really just want to help myself heal but I haven't felt truly happy since I was eight years old, when it all began.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Therapy doesn't really work :/
(sorry about the long story btw)

[100footpole]

I don't have much to tell you because I'm 40 years older than you.

Had similar stories to tell ... I was depressed without the drs. Went through a long period of self-medicating ... which left me with experiences I don't value much, except to say "I won't do that again".

So from my 55 year old stance .... It sounds like you have your stuff together in a good way, despite how you are feeling. Keep making what seem to be good instead of easy choices and you'll make it.

I hope some people closer to your age get in touch with you.

Go over to the chat area and you might make some new friends. Be aware that when someone likes you they can still hurt you, and you can never know what their true intent was.

[XxRebelAngelxX]

Thanks for the tip