In need of an outsider's perspective

[blueeyed]

Hi I am new to this, but I need to get things of my chest.

I have been struggling with depression on and off for about 5 years now. Last winter I had the worst relapse (not being able to get off the bed, crying or apathy). All year I have been trying to get better and I did somewhat. Although I still have very negative thinking pattern. I don't take antidepressants or therapy. I exercise, listen to music, journal and meditate. Once I went to a doctor to ask for help for my depression, she didn't even lift her eyes of off the computer screen and sent me to get some herbal stuff.

Here is where it gets complicated. I've lived in the UK for about 7 years, where I've met my boyfriend of 6 years now. I have supported him through his university studies, while I couldn't attend mine (because of depression and bad financial issues). So I got 3 part time jobs and just rolled with it. Life went on. After he finished university we decided to move away from UK. Either to his country or mine. The vision of nice summers and beach took us to his home - Portugal.

Mind you I didn't speak the language and still don't properly. We've been here for about 2 years now including last winter. One day I woke up. 27 years old, no career, completely financially dependent on my partner, with no friends, rare contact with my family and no support from his family. My life in tatters. All while supporting his uni studies, his career and his dreams.

Our relationship had it's bumps but nothing that we didn't or couldn't deal with. Yes the romance is gone, but he has been good to me so far and financially supports me (which I am not very happy about). Unfortunately his work in the city demands him to be away from me 5 days a week (he stays over with his parents). I am in the prison of our apartment, it's been 4 months now.

Lately he admitted that he takes me for granted. And I think he has a crush on one of his colleagues ( I accidentally saw some flirting messages on fb). I am hurt by this but not at all surprised. He met me - confident, independent, happy go lucky girl - all of which is gone now.

All I expected by moving to this country was his complete support of my dream career etc. All I did was supporting him, motivating and helping him get his career... I guess he can't do the same thing for me. Is he selfish???

Although I am grateful for what he does, I really need someone who at least at the beginning gets me from point A to B. To help me to start mending my life. I don't have this someone here. My contact with my family is very sporadic and I have no friends at all. I am completely isolated.

I want to end this agony and start my life again, but I really don't know where to begin. Should I stay in this country with him or leave and get back to my family and start from the beginning there. The thing is - why I didn't get enough courage to leave yet - is that It's not guaranteed that if I leave him I will be able to start my life. At this time I see it as if he didn't support me enough and sort of enabled me to get isolated etc. I of course can't blame him for it all. What do you think about this??

I understand this is my take on the story, it's all coloured with my paints. Any ideas and words of wisdom and your own experiences are greatly appreciated.

[100footpole]

Depression seems to feed on "negative cycles".

Ask yourself how you can turn the sentence: "but he has been good to me so far and financially supports me (which I am not very happy about)" into an opportunity?

Think about the sentence: " I am in the prison of our apartment," What is keeping you in that apartment. In prison there are people who are controlling what you do, when you do it, how you do it. What is controlling you?


Look at these two sentences: "Lately he admitted that he takes me for granted." "He met me - confident, independent, happy go lucky girl - all of which is gone now. " I think there is a misunderstanding of what "for granted" means to each of you. You feel shy and dependent ... probably because of language ... lack of friends? He probably thinks that "happy go lucky girl" can adapt. What can he do for you to help you adapt ... I'll bet he would do it.

Tell us more about "All I expected by moving to this country was his complete support of my dream career " ... The hard word in here is "complete" what do you need that you are not getting?

I really feel for you when you write: " I really need someone who at least at the beginning gets me from point A to B. To help me to start mending my life. I don't have this someone here. " That is exactly how I feel too ... I have mental pictures of point B. But I see nothing I can do at point A that leads even indirectly to point B. They're on different continents and I can't find a boat! The way I am dealing with this is simply moving. I think that something will happen and I will find a way to point C ... which feels like point B, but which is accessible from point A ... or maybe point C is a boat. I don't know.

Thanks for posting. I am currently being supported by my wife. She wants me to go out and get a job, but I'm thinking of ways to start my own business. When you talked about "complete support" I felt a little anxious about the conversation I'm going to have to eventually have with her. In the meantime every day I am working on my portfolio to show her something to get her support. I am really worried about having "the talk" ... because I don't know if I could go back to being controlled.

[blueeyed]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I hope you and your wife can resolve your situation as best as you can. What you mean by going back to being controlled?

I know that depression makes you focused on the negative and erases the positive. I just want to know weather it's depression, what makes me believe that he simply doesn't give back or it's the fact.

I really don't know how to turn this situation into an opportunity by myself.

The prison of the apartment = I guess it's my own fault, but at the same time I don't have the money (and I don't want to ask for extra money to go somewhere) and even if I had I simply don't feel the need to go anywhere by myself, I just don't feel confident. I guess it's only my mind what controls me.

He could help me to adapt. And although I am this kind of person who doesn't ask for help. I asked him for help many times. I asked him to help me find a language course, since I find looking through on-line search in Portuguese confusing, I asked him to help me find some art galleries either to visit, or where I could exhibit my art. I also asked him to help me look for a hostel, where I could possibly apply for a job. All I need is the extra push and a little bit of help with the practical tasks, since I get easily overwhelmed. I asked for all this but it never led to anything.

However he is very capable of sorting things that are beneficial to his own life and career. With which I help quite a bit, giving him motivational talks, sending him links to send his cv or newsletter to. Even listening about his work and being emotionally available when he comes home for the weekend.

Do you think I demand too much of him??? May be my depression makes me unrealistic and wants me to blame him for my bad decisions?

[Ieris]

Hello blue eyed,

I am glad you found this place and hope you feel better after writing that out.
If I was you, I would ask myself a few questions:

1. What is my dream job?

2. Do I still want to be with this man?

3. Do I want to stay in Portugal?

I guess in some ways these questions tie in with each other. You have been supporting your boyfriends dreams and goals that you have neglected your own so it is natural to feel that you have accomplished nothing. Time to focus on yourself and what you want, you may have to make some sacrifice but it will be worth it. That is how to move forward by cutting off the things that hold you back or is no use to you anymore.

It sounds as if Portugal is not the place for you, have you considered going back to London or your home country? Would he come with you? Would your chances of accomplishing your goals be better elsewhere? Always remember that you have options, you have a choice, there is no need to be stuck in a place where you are not happy. It just seems like you moved to Portugal to live his life but not your own life, thats why that confident, independent, happy go lucky girl has disappeared. At least you can say you went there and gave it a shot, but when something isn't working out you need to move onto plan B.

It is great what you did for him and its a shame he doesn't give you the same support back. I always think couples should bring out the best in each other, help each other to accomplish their goals but if they don't then they may not right person for you. Maybe you need to sit down with him and see what your options are.

I hope everything works out and that the confident and happy girl comes back x

[100footpole]

I agree with Ieris about the questions, but maybe not about focus.

Let me put this in terms of what I'm dealing with ... maybe, if you reflect on advice you would give me, you will gain insight into What is best for you.

I think my family has a propensity to ODD. An example would be the last time my wife and I crossed the Canadian Border and were left sitting for an hour at the customs station to see if I would do something that could get them to deny me entry / write me a ticket. My wife kept saying "Why did you do / say that" after every interaction with the Federales. It was like I was in a Kafka story.

I think that is how you feel when you write " I asked him to help me find a language course, since I find looking through on-line search in Portuguese confusing, I asked him to help me find some art galleries either to visit, or where I could exhibit my art. I also asked him to help me look for a hostel, where I could possibly apply for a job. All I need is the extra push and a little bit of help with the practical tasks, since I get easily overwhelmed."

I have always been careful with my money and have enough money to continue living the way I was when I was working for a couple of years. My wife was supporting us while I "found myself" being under-employed. When I write about "control" I think I mean people looking for respect based on title vs. worth. At the border station the guard initially asked "What are you planning on doing in Canada?" I answered "We're going to visit Toronto." ... we knew nothing about Toronto, except that we had a hotel reservation downtown. He asked "What are you going to do there?" and I said "Sleep." because that was the only thing I knew I was going to do. He said "You're coming to Canada to sleep?" and instead of trying to explain that we were going to walk and explore etc. I said "Yes.". He pulled me over, we waited, maybe they ran the dogs by the car. My wife was pissed. I viewed the episode as about the same fun quotient as walking and exploring in Toronto ... I love a good bureaucratic shuffle. My wife had much different expectations on how to spend time in Canada. On the way back through American Customs she drove .

My affect was very bland which was part of the problem. The guard is expecting nervous/friendly not cool/smartass.

So, essentially, I guess I want to be in your position, supported by my wife, surfing the internet, and writing code when I'm in the mood. Recently I found out about "soft circuits" - electrical experiments you can do with play dough on the internet. I want to fool around with that. I would love to develop a lesson that I could do with that and give at after school programs. The kick I need from my wife is two-fold ... explicit permission to do that as a "career move" because it would probably take sixteen hours or so to prepare a lesson ... and encouragement, because I know that it would take a couple of tries before I got my first gig.

I think the problem my wife and I have is that she sees me as a smart, interesting person with minimal inter-personal skills. I see myself as vaguely handicapped in situations that I can't predict or avoid. When we talk about the border crossing she keeps saying ... "You didn't look at the guard when you were talking to him." She was right I kept looking straight ahead, but I really didn't want to look at the guard, because I felt like I was going to start dropping F-bombs on him because I really didn't agree with "This is the protocol you use outside your country." I couldn't help but see the guard as a roman citizen in the bad seats of the Colosseum and myself as a slave pea-nut vendor destined to die on the floor in an opening event ... hey its better than having to stay in Rome.

I kind of see myself as coming from a quadrant kind of like where your boyfriend sees himself. I see my wife coming from a different quadrant than you in that she thinks I need a job rather than a vocation. The problem I have is figuring the way to make her happy without having another FAIL five years down the road.

[100footpole]

Blue Eyed,

I wrote the above for two reasons ... 50/50.

Selfishly it helped me to vent.

Unselfishly I hope that it gives you a way to frame your boyfriend's behavior a little positively. I have no idea what he might really be thinking. For me, though, sometimes I get in a place where I don't do the most rational thing because my feelings change what I feel is the right thing to do.

I have an (American) friend who is always speaking Japanese to stay fresh. She goes into character and speaks Japanese and gestures until the people she is talking to "get it". "Getting it" requires us to answer in Japanese with lots of gestures. Extremely annoying, but we are learning a little Japanese and she gets to practice. I suspect that's what living in Portugal feels like to you ... on steroids.

A few years ago we used to travel to Mexico for vacation. My wife made fun of my Spanish ... but the way we had to communicate was for the Spanish speaking person to speak, my wife and I to analyze, and then have me speak. This was because, although her pronunciation was better, she felt uncomfortable trying the first time. She is more comfortable repeating and clarifying what I'm trying to get out. I feel more comfortable looking foolish, but rely on her to help me understand. My idea for you is: there must be people in your town who want to improve their English. Maybe you could start by talking to them so you don't feel so silly practicing.

That would be something you could do while you consider the more important questions that Ieris asked you. My recommendation for those would be to give yourself two deadlines. First, list points of view to look at the situation from ... (Yours, your Boyfriends, your family, your friends in England, Your dream employers in England, your dream employers in Portugal, your potential friends in Portugal ... others??) When you have a whole bunch of points of view set your second deadline. Write down how you feel about each point of view. The potential friend in Portugal might be the toughest ... you need to picture that friend ... and then you might just conclude "You're imaginary ... because of ..." and list your take on Portuguese culture and the town you're in.

With those two sets of evidence what you need to do might be clear to you. If not then I always punt and give each friend a multiplier ... I.E. your boyfriend and family might be fives, your friends in England a three, and everything else a two. Then order how happy those multipliers are if you move or if you stay. Add up the scores for going and staying ... and take the higher number and do it ... and don't worry about the future again for six months or so.

That is how I would make the difficult decision you are faced with. Best Wishes and Good Luck Blueeyes!