A wasted life

[CarolynS]

I wrote twice, but my iPad freezes and I loose everything. So briefly

I will come back a bit later and write AGAIN!!

[CarolynS]

You may have read my "new member intro ". I will try not to repeat myself.

In response to 100footpole who asked in my intro:

Is there a reason you are stopping church, peer group?

i stopped church because, I am a strong person, but when it comes to social skills...trying to overcome social anxiety I started...I couldn't make actual friends, mostly like aquantincies (sp). No one I could actually talk to about anything, life, general stuff, call on the phone when having a difficult day, etc. I would go, sit in the back and leave immediately. Once in a while, but rarely, I might stay for pot-luck Sunday, but I never knew where to sit, what to talk about, and was never invited...like, "hey come sit with us". So, I decided to just stop, after four/five years. I failed at my goal, making friends.

Any thoughts on calling your ministers back?

i have recently considered emailing Rev Kerry. I want to ask her why everyone, seemly the two of them are included, is so afraid of mental illness at church. Why they never called or visited again. Was it something I said that scared them off. When I was being driven the 90 minutes to the hospital in September, I email Rev Kerry to tell her....response....nothing, nada, zero, zilch

No support from the hospital?

well, I feel better after and my meds get tweeted, but I get home and backslide. I kill the goals I made there. The first three times I was there, I left and went into Intensive Outpatient Therapy through the same hospital. I drove 50 from home three times a week, three days a week for six hour each day. That program was very helpful, but due to a medical condition I have and a self-admission I made one day about problems driving there, the last two hospital visits the Director of that program refused me because of concerns over my driving safety. So, now I am on my own after discharge.

My psychologist is a great doctor and I know I frustrate him even though he says I don't, of course he says that. I have made much change over the nine years I have been seeing him, but I just never seem to make enough change. (You will understand as I write.) and now I have just given up on life.

The only thing that keeps me out of the grave is thinking about my children and most of all my four grandchildren, and the legacy I would leave behind. This is what keeps me in and out of the hospital.

Anything you want to write about? Of course...

I have lived a very traumatic life ever sense I can remember as a child, considering my childhood, my 17 year marriage, and my violent son. My son started at age 9 and is now 40 and I still carry a healthy distance from his moodiness. Today he has TBI, PCS and some PTSD from 18 months in Iraq, none of which have helped the situation. I have been, all these years, his only link to our family. Everyone else gave up on him in his teens.

I have decided to give church another chance, but my ability to tolerate all the people is questionable. Social anxiety is a tough one for me. At the hospital I just sit alone and read all day. I can read three books over two weeks there. It will be hard going, but I will give it another try.

With a 40 year old son I suppose I should say that I am four weeks shy of 66. My daughters are 45 and 44.

I have the following medical conditions: Parkinson's disease, dxd 1994...insulin dependent diabetes, which I take good care of...chronic kidney disease, "not related to diabetes" per doc...and now I could have liver issues, labs again in two weeks...cervical spondylosis with myelopathy, disks pressing on my spinal cord, c3-c7...various other minor conditions, and orthopedic due to accident in 1994.

I spend my days sitting at home...isolating...going out for food and doc appt.
I prefer it this way. Walking is painful in my right leg that was shattered from the 1994 accident; in physical therapy right now for leg and then seeing an ortho surgeon next week. I walk slowly due to Parkinsonsand have a very bad tremor. I have tried volunteering, other than NAMI, but it has not worked out due to physical disability.

Don't get me wrong here. I am in no way having a pity-party over my medical issues, only talking about them. I accept them as they come along. What else can one do...I am not a wallower!

It's just mental illness that I have a hard time with and have just given up on. I rarely laugh at anything and I suppose I give off a negative vibe.

[CarolynS]

I titled this a wasted life for two reasons, 1) I have wasted six decades suffering mental illness, and 2) hoping others in the board have an opportunity to find their recovery place long before six decades pass by. I was not diagnosed until I moved to the northeast. Never took meds, a didnt realuze I needed them until these past few years.

Here I sit watching a documentary on Burt Shavitz, founder of Burts Bees. Well, he is not actually the founder. Very interesting. He is a recluse. The end is the most telling about his way of life.

Yesterday was a good day for me. I have rejoined NAMI as a Connections Peer Support Group facilitator. It was the first time in a year or more. It felt good I needed to find a starting place to attempt to de-isolate myself from my home. I feel safe to be amongst people "like" me.

Yesterday someone brought up how he felt in his therapists waiting room. Personally, while my home is a "safe" place for me, my therapists waiting room and especially his office...and I shared that.

The idea of these NAMI groups is that they are lead by peers and so everyone shares within their comfort level. No professionals allowed. (We facilitators take a four day training.) I hope to get back to the Tuesday group at the local hospital psychiatric unit.

I/we also talked about the odd things we do, like my mailbox is on the wall just outside my front door. When I check the mail I try to do it as quickly as I can hoping no one on my busy street will see me. The other thing I do is to take my trash out on Sunday nights after dark hoping no one see me. I should be walking to the wonderful city park a block and a half from my home, but feel so conspicuous when I do that I prerelease go.

Does anyone else do this kind of stuff...or isolate a lot?

Today is a wonderful day at home I have nothing to do, just me and Jill the cat. Let the world pass by outside my small living room window, leaving me alone. I look at my calendar daily seeking trhe days I have nowhere to go. I have a four day stretch next Friday thru Monday. This week is a busy doctor week, therapist, an ultrasound, ortho surgeon, physical therapy twice. So not much time at home...bummer. Actuslly, I see these appts, while necessary, as interruptions in my isolation. So days I resent them, but they are necessary.

Then after my four days at home next weekend then I am off on my four hour drive to NYS and my younger daughters home for thanksgiving. Driving in the mountains the second half is awesome.

I do have to say that for the first time in a long, long time I am feeling better. Maybe it is the increase in my Prozac my psychiatrist made. Actuslly, i see these appts as interrupting my days at home and can't wait to get back home. I take meds four times a day. Me without my meds, sadly, is a very ugly picture.

Well, Jill has joined me and makes typing hard. Later. Back to my TV and my iPad. One day I will wear the latter out. I use it every minute of the day when I am home.