Hi, I am a newbie seeking understanding

[Sadsack]

I am a few months off 50 and have moved along way from my home with my partner, hes the lucky one as he has a job and he does not look out of the window for 9 hours a day. Dont get me wrong I wanted to move and have a fresh start and to live in the middle of nowhere sounded like paradise a year a go...... but my mum died and I was too far away to get to say goodbye, then all the bad stuff came back and now I spend time with this smog on me.
I came here to get better but I feel that if I hadn't tried to find a better life I would be ok.....
I cant tell my partner that I am depressed again as he is so happy and thinks he is making my life so much better. I am his happy lover all weekends before he goes to work and welcoming him home at night with smiley face and a cooked meal, but within seconds of him leaving I am down and my thought start to turn back to the awful things from the past. I need help but from where.

[Maria1000]

Hi Iam new this site too. I lost my best friend five years ago and it still haunts me to this day. It sure must have been hard loosing you mum. If you ever need someone to talk with feel free to message me. Take care.