struggling *trigger warning*

[mouse1148]

Hello. I'm not sure who else to talk to. I called the suicide hotline and they directed me to a doctor's office that can't get me in until next week. I'm afraid if I go to the ER as they suggested they will lock me away. I am desperate. My husband is trying but he's struggling too, and does not understand why I can't just pull myself out of it. I don't want my kids to suffer because of how I'm feeling, so I'm pretending I'm passing another kidney stone (they're chronic for me) and they seem to be buying it for now. But it's bad. I'm having thoughts I shouldn't have, and they are the only crystal clear thing in my brain. When I start to think about it, i get very logical and calm. It's the only time I'm being logical and calm right now. I feel like I'm imploding...like physically everything is just rushing into a huge hole in my chest and I can't get away from the pain. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't want anyone to know what's going on it my life. We recently lost our home to foreclosure. It was illegally done, we were fighting it but we still had to move. We found a too good to be true rent to own property and found out it was, actually, too good to be true. The broker was running a ponzi scheme, and now we don't know what we are going to do. This is after 3 years of fighting foreclosure hell with everything I had in me. Filing all of the paperwork multiple times, talking on the phone, paying lawyers, fight fight fight fight. And I just don't think I have any fight left in me. My husband's insurance policy covers me for $100k, even in the event of suicide if we've had the policy for longer than 2 years. We've had it for 15. I know my family would miss me, but everybody dies sometime and people get over it. Everybody loses their momma. And I'd know they were taken care of. I tried to talk to a friend and she reacted with such horror and disgust, it was a huge mistake. She's kind of stopped talking to me privately now. I don't have family. My husband does but they aren't close. I'm all alone. I know you are all strangers and I shouldn't dump this on you, but I had to get it all out somewhere. I did make an appointment to see a doc. But I'm scared of what I will do before then. My house is full of pain killers for my kidneys. My kids and husband are gone all day. I just want to lie down and sleep and not have to fight anymore.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi there Mouse please don't think your dumping things on us here. We are here to listen to you. And your not alone.

I know how hard it is when you feel like you literally can't take another breath. I know how horrible things can be and what happened to you is terrible and I'm so sorry you are having to go through what you are.

When you first started your post you said " I don't want my kids to suffer because of how I'm feeling." Please , please believe me when I tell you nothing could hurt them more than if you would hurt yourself.

You are right when you said we all lose our mothers but usually when that happens it's because of physical sickness or accidents , or old age. And that is something that they could never truly get over.

I think it's very unfair that you called someone for help and they said you couldn't get in until next week. I mean a crisis is for right now not days later !!

I'm not trained in this but my heart goes out to you so much and I'm searching so hard for the right words to help you. All I know what to say is please hold on.

Stay here with us on this board. I can tell you this board is an amazing place full of people that care a whole lot and we will be here to listen to you and talk to you.

You can cry to us all you need to , you can even get as angry as you need to and we will be here.

Will you please give this place a chance until you can talk to a professional ? Sometimes when you talk to a professional they can help you without you getting " locked up "

Just don't give up hope or life yet.

Love and Hugs

[mouse1148]

Thank you JonsDragonEyes for the reply. You really don't know how much it means to me. I've felt so all alone. My husband loves me, he really does. But he is so much more resilient than I, and it's hard for him to understand that I can't just cheer myself up again. Right now it's ok, the kids are home and I'm busy making dinner and helping with homework, although I know that can see that I'm dragging. Sometimes something will trigger a crying jag but I can usually get to my room or a bathroom before they see that. My husband keeps hugging me and telling me it's going to be ok, but it doesn't reach the hole in my chest. I hate that I'm so weak. I hate that I can't just suck it up and deal. I have been looking around the forums and it is comforting to know that I'm not the only person on the planet dealing with this. I am going to go to my family doc and see if she can't get me a faster referral. I know that I'm not the first person in the world to have these problems, and I'm actually very lucky. My husband and I have been together for twenty years and we have an amazing relationship. My kids are wonderful and everybody is healthy. Right now, at this moment I can see that. Many would give anything for that. Sometimes I step back and look at myself with such disgust for being so ungrateful. But then something else will happen and I'm right back there again. I appreciate your kindness, thank you for responding. I have to go work on the dinner dishes. Thank you so much.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Please don't look at yourself with disgust. I know your not ungrateful your just a wonderful human being who is hurting more than she deserves to.

Your stronger than you think. After all you came here to get help and that is a start right ?

I like the part where you say your husband keeps hugging you. I bet he needs you just as much as you need him. Always promise to keep holding on because your husband wouldn't want to see the day where there would be an empty spot in the place he used to wrap his arms around.

Love and Hugs Always

[4EverMe]

Hi mouse1148,
Jonsdragoneyes said much of what I would have
spoken. But, I want to say that I can fully relate to such stress and pain- and the suicidal feelings.

The last chapter of jonsdragoneyes's last post was very moving to me, and I imagine that it was thought provoking to you as well.
It seems as though you have a very close-knit family. If you were suddenly gone, it would not only a time of terrible grief for your family, but it would be a time of tremendous and lasting guilt...
Your husband and kids would be crushed by the lingering "What ifs?"

What if I'd only done this? What if I'd only done that?
What if I hadn't done this! What if I hadn't done that?!

These are the shattering realizations that acts of suicide leave behind...
Compound this with how much they would miss you both day and night, the holidays spent depressed because you aren't there, the possibilities of someone turning to substances to help numb their heartache, thus, ruining their own life in the process- and the lives of those closest to them.

I'm sorry that what I've written is so sad and depressing. But, something inside told me I should bring to light other ways that one's suicide could affect family and friends.

I'm very relieved you've found this site, and that you're going to confide in your doctor. Whether or not you've realized it, there IS "fight" still left in you! And, as long as you're breathing there is hope...

Always know that we're here for you.
Never feel badly about venting here. That is what this site is for.
Please keep us posted, (pun intended) and let us know how you're doing.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi again Mouse. If it's okay I wanted to make another comment. When you wrote about how you went to your friend and you said she reacted so negative and wouldn't speak to you. It's so wrong for your friend to do that to you.

It's easy to be somebody's friend when life is easy but when the difficult challenges come up that's how you know the meaning of true friendship.

I know how you feel because when I felt suicidal I went to my friend too and she turned her back on me. She wouldn't even help me. Not at all. And to this day she won't even look at me. It hurts so much it breaks your heart in half.

I hope that this is okay but I love to write and I wanted to write this small poem for you. It's nothing fancy but it does comes straight from my heart.

Tonight I'll send an angel
Right to where you are
For all the darkness that you see
She'll make it shine like a star
She'll bless your heart with happiness
and turn your sorrows to gold

Her arms will wrap around you
And save you from this cold

So don't give up tomorrow
Though the night seems so long
Your angels there to guide you
And help you stay strong


Please stay strong always Mouse.

Love and Hugs

[mouse1148]

You all have good points, and I love the poem! Today started out hard. Do you ever sometimes hate waking up? Finally, after hours of staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry and wake anyone up, I get away from it for a minute and when I woke up it was all just waiting to pounce on my chest. But it got better. I went to work and my co-workers are funny and I was busy all day. I still felt it, panic bubbling up in my belly for no specific reason. Just a nasty feeling of dread. But it gradually started going away, and then when I came home and started reading this forum I almost feel normal. It is absolutely amazing to me how much better I felt getting all of this out here, and not being judged for it. I feel stronger today. Still kind of like I'm made out of glass, but stronger. Thank you for helping me to get here. Thank you for listening, and caring about a stranger with problems that aren't yours. Thank you.

[4EverMe]

Hi mouse,
I am so very glad you're feeling better than you were!
Just when it seems that all hope is gone, life can turn around and surprise us yet again.

Speaking for myself, (and for the others, I'm sure) we're more than happy to be there for you.
In a sense, we carry one another throughout life's journey, even if a problem isn't personally our own. I
When times grow dark, it's much easier to find our way up ahead when someone's holding our hand!
Keep us posted.
And, I'm proud of you for staying strong.

[JonsDragonEyes]

I understand what you mean about not wanting to wake up. Sometimes I feel like I want the night time to last forever because facing another day is just so hard .... and other times I don't want to see the day end because at night through the long ,dark hours makes it seem so much worse.

I'm glad your feeling better. We will never judge you here. We love having you here with us. 24 - 7 your always welcome.

Love and Hugs