I have no reason to be depressed.. I just am.

[WhatIsThis]

I'm a first year senior in college and since my depression has started in 9th grade I cannot remember the last day I haven't thought of suicide. Now these are only thoughts, pleasing nonetheless. I hardly ever seriously contemplate suicide, only in my lowest of times. The closest I ever got to suicide was in 9th grade when it all started, safe to say I didn't go through with it, but it was one of the best feeling I have ever felt. That numbness I felt on the brink of suicide is honestly one of the highlights of my life. But I've never been that close to the edge again cause I'm sure if I do get that close I won't make it back a second time.

My life is pretty privileged to say the least. I am in college as an engineering student. Not top of my class but not the bottom either. I have never experienced any tragedies. I have better friends and family than I could ask for (no one knows about my depression or at least I've never told anyone). I've never been diagnosed with depression/bipolar disorde but then again I've never been to a counselor of therapist either. I mean, I live in better conditions than many people out there. I have no right to feel this way. But I do, and I hide behind my smile.

Everyone who knows me, knows me as the guy with a permanent smile on and always happy. But they couldn't be further from truth. Being around the people I care about really does help, it pushes the dark thoughts to the back of my mind and gives me a distraction. But the thoughts are always there ready to burst out at any given chance. And when that does happen the only way to get back to normal is to sleep (usually with sleep aids. Melatonin or Benadryl) But still the smile lately has been feeling a lot faker than usual.

I now know what to expect, the depression is year around but it gets drastically worse in the summer and the winter times. Knowing what is coming helps a lot with being prepared for it and not succumbing to the feelings. But they're still there, slowly eating away at me. I almost feel like I'm just a shell of a person now.

This past summer has been exceptionally hard of me. I feel like my depression has morphed into manic depression (bipolar disorder). The cycles started out pretty slow (about a weekly thing) then it got worse. At the peak it was about 8 cycles a day. That took a real toll on me, literally could barely even get up for summer classes much less pay attention. It's died down a bit, just normal ole' depression again. But I honestly have no more motivation. No fun going out with friends, no fun doing much. Literally every though I have is worst case scenario situations. I have always had bad anxiety but now I can't even describe it. I can barely even smile in front of friends now. I feel like I have no control anymore and the suicidal thoughts are starting become more numb than ever. It doesn't make me sad that I'm thinking of it anymore. It feels just like any other normal decision I need to make soon. That scares me.

Sorry for the long post, but I just needed to get all that off my chest. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hey there WhatIsThis. I want to welcome you to these forums and it's really nice to meet you.

Your story really touches me. It's so unfair that you've had to go through such a rotten time. It scares me when you talk about being so close to suicide though.

Maybe it is time for you talk to a counselor or therapist. You don't deserve to hurt this way. No one does. You've hurt for way too long.

These forums here are full of some of the nicest people I've met. Your always welcome to come here and talk to us and to vent and rant if you need to. We will never judge you and you don't have to face the hell your facing all alone. The door is always wide open for you to come here and I hope you do keep coming back...

But still I REALLY hope you talk to a professional about what your going through. Life can be amazing when all your hurt and hell is gone. Think of all the dreams you have inside you just wanting to get out. The whole world can be at your feet... you can do anything....you can BE anything. You CAN beat this.

Please hang in there. And keep us updated on how you are doing.

[4EverMe]

Whatisthis,
Hello, and welcome to this forum!
It's a good thing you've found this site, and there are a lot of caring and empathetic/sympathetic people here.

My heart goes out to you, especially because you've suffered in silence for such a long time. You described the 'happy mask' disguise you wear around others- including those closest to you...May I ask why you conceal your pain from your loved ones?
I ask because depression most often festers and grows worse when we don't release those thoughts and emotions. It is so important that we don't allow it to bottle up. (another reason I'm glad you found this site) !

Have you ever heard of a type of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder? You might want to google some information on it to see if you can relate to any of the symptoms.
You mentioned that your depression hits hardest in Summer and Winter. Of course, you can't have a completely accurate diagnosis until you've seen a psychiatrist, but sometimes it's possible to have a couple or so things occurring at one time.

Please make an appt to finally speak with someone! You don't have to deal with this alone. Medication, counseling, or both, can provide comfort and stability for you. It sure couldn't hurt, and you've nothing to lose!

Please keep posting, and keep us informed of your wellbeing.

Remember, you've already taken the first step towards healing, by sharing how you truly feel!
Do you think it could help in any way to share your post with those close to you?