Will I wake up one day and it will all feel normal again?

[kalii]

Hi,
I am new to these forums, yet Im feeling a little lost. Well, little is an understatement. Im hoping to hear from people that have made it out the other end, or who are struggling too that may have some helpful advice on just coping.
I guess I just need to get out this mumbo jumbo in my head that I have no idea what is going on. Im not sure if anyone will even read this, but I figure I just need it out. I have always been a sensitive person, but life events that have occurred have made me become this person I don't know anymore. I am 31, but I lost my parents close together about 10 years ago. I became this person that doesn't like emotion and cant deal with emotion. Im not sure if I grieved properly, or if I just blocked it out. Everyone around me told me to be strong and just continue on with life. That is what I did. However now I think its all breaking me. I have such a fantastic life, that I have no reason to be depressed and negative. I have a good but stressful job, and I have recently married a loving and supportive husband. I have a roof over my head, food on the table...what more could I want? Yet I feel this pain constantly hovering over me. My thoughts take me to really bad places and my anxiety levels sometimes can be out of control. My mood swings are terrible and I take it out on my husband a lot. I just cant help feeling irritable, sad and angry probably 90% of the time. I am going through a phase where I am avoiding my friends because im finding them annoying. I know its not them, its me. I used to be such a happy go lucky person with a sense of humour...now I have no patience, and cant stand so many people. I know im losing friends because of my lack of interest in them, but I don't want people to know im struggling. Why that is, I have no idea. I guess im just kind of lost. I know if something doesn't change, I will continue down this path. I want to try for a baby, however I don't have faith in my mental state to do it. My husband is the closest to me, and I don't think he understands the extent of my 'crazyness'. Its so hard to sort my head out while working, but I look around and see such strong females around me that have even more stressful jobs, yet they seem to be coping...why cant I.
I would prefer not to go on medication, but I find it so hard to get my headspace in a positive environment. I feel like Im surrounded in such a negative world....I turn on the news and there is another murder, war, and something else bad. I don't watch the news but people are still talking about it. I am starting to judge people walking past me if they are going to attack me. I can easily cross the street to avoid this if need be, but Im sure they are harmless. I just feel like I cant escape negativitiy. I try and think of people in worse off situations, and it gets me sad too that there is suffereing in this world. I guess I just don't get it. I am open to suggestions....I will try anything to try and sort my brain out. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hey there kalii

Wow. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. I lost my grandma a few years ago and it's still to this day so HARD. I can't imagine losing both my parents. Every inch of my heart aches for you.

It's so hard to know the right words to say to make you feel better. I get so frustrated at myself on here sometimes because I want to help people on here so much but at times I'm left feeling so helpless.

When something so unfair like that happens I don't think there is any words that can take all the pain away. I sure would tell you if I could.

Please , please know that life can get better for you. One day you CAN wake up and life will be normal for you again. Sometimes when we are hurt so bad we take a lot longer to heal then others.. the hurt never goes away entirely but it does get a little bit better.

There is a song I want you to listen to. Look up the lyrics and read them and then go listen to the song. It's by Christina Aguilera and it's called
The Voice Within

It's a song about someone feeling so sad and all alone. But finding the strength inside her to be as happy as she ever dreams to be.

I hope that you listen to it and I hope that it helps a little.

Please Take Care Always and keep coming here and talking with people on these message boards whenever you need to vent. 24 - 7 Because people here do care !!

[intheprocess]

I would get meds. When I was outpatient it was stressed that depression is physiological. And that some chemicals don't go where they're supposed to and it leads to depression. The meds fix all of that. No shame in meds. I'll bet 3 out of 5 people have meds.

[hazeleyes]

Hi kalii, welcome.

I am so sorry for all you have been through and what you're going through now. I hope you find some of the answers you're searching for here.

Have you tried therapy? Maybe cognitive therapy would help. Also, there are things you could do to help cope with past grief that you may still be holding inside. Maybe writing a letter to your past self, it may sound silly if you've never heard of this technique but it may help.

I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot of advice right now as I am struggling with depression and the negativity of the world myself. But I can tell you there is a way out. It's just a matter of finding that way and following it until you get to that place you want to be. I've done it many times before, and although I'm having a hard time finding that "way" right now, I know it's there and I'll eventually find it.

It can be really difficult sometimes to change negative thoughts/views/feelings to positives, but with practice and sometimes help from others, it can really change your outlook on life.

I hope this helps, at least a little. I apologize for not being able to give more advice. Good luck to you and I hope you find your way soon.

[kalii]

Hey guys,
Thanks for the awesome responses. I didn't know what to expect coming on here, but I do have to say that just from being able to express a little of what is going on in my head has started to help. I do realise it is going to be a long road, however, I do realise that if I continue bottling things up waiting for the moment to pass...well I could be waiting forever. Negativity and depression suck! Its so bizarre how the brain works. Every bit of advice posted to me is just so special that people take their time out to read and respond....while having your own situations going on. So thankyou.

[kalii]

Hey there kalii

Wow. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. I lost my grandma a few years ago and it's still to this day so HARD. I can't imagine losing both my parents. Every inch of my heart aches for you.

It's so hard to know the right words to say to make you feel better. I get so frustrated at myself on here sometimes because I want to help people on here so much but at times I'm left feeling so helpless.

When something so unfair like that happens I don't think there is any words that can take all the pain away. I sure would tell you if I could.

Please , please know that life can get better for you. One day you CAN wake up and life will be normal for you again. Sometimes when we are hurt so bad we take a lot longer to heal then others.. the hurt never goes away entirely but it does get a little bit better.

There is a song I want you to listen to. Look up the lyrics and read them and then go listen to the song. It's by Christina Aguilera and it's called
The Voice Within

It's a song about someone feeling so sad and all alone. But finding the strength inside her to be as happy as she ever dreams to be.

I hope that you listen to it and I hope that it helps a little.

Please Take Care Always and keep coming here and talking with people on these message boards whenever you need to vent. 24 - 7 Because people here do care !!

Thankyou so much for your beautiful words. I have heard that song a million times before but never actually listend to the words. It is a very uplifiting song that I can see myself using in times of mental chaos. I don't know you, but you are a beautiful person for taking the time ...don't beat yourself up.

[kalii]

I would get meds. When I was outpatient it was stressed that depression is physiological. And that some chemicals don't go where they're supposed to and it leads to depression. The meds fix all of that. No shame in meds. I'll bet 3 out of 5 people have meds.

The only reason why I would prefer not to take meds, is I am so unreliable with medication. Take it here and there, and Im worried it could turn out to be a permanent thing. Are you still on meds? If so, is it permanent? Just fear the unknown.

[kalii]

Hi kalii, welcome.

I am so sorry for all you have been through and what you're going through now. I hope you find some of the answers you're searching for here.

Have you tried therapy? Maybe cognitive therapy would help. Also, there are things you could do to help cope with past grief that you may still be holding inside. Maybe writing a letter to your past self, it may sound silly if you've never heard of this technique but it may help.

I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot of advice right now as I am struggling with depression and the negativity of the world myself. But I can tell you there is a way out. It's just a matter of finding that way and following it until you get to that place you want to be. I've done it many times before, and although I'm having a hard time finding that "way" right now, I know it's there and I'll eventually find it.

It can be really difficult sometimes to change negative thoughts/views/feelings to positives, but with practice and sometimes help from others, it can really change your outlook on life.

I hope this helps, at least a little. I apologize for not being able to give more advice. Good luck to you and I hope you find your way soon.

I was seeing a psychologist a long time ago, but when I was younger I wasn't ready or was not in the right frame of mind to seek help. I am now. I had an emotional break down a couple of months ago, where I decided I would go see the doctor. I took my husband with me, and she referred me to a psychologist. However it is like a 6 week wait. I don't know how I will be feeling in 6 weeks.. It seems to come and go (my dark moods), but more so its staying longer now than leaving. I could try writing a letter to my past self. Anything to not feel this trapped feeling that I feel. Your words are very helpful and positive. Im not sure if its just me, but society can be extremely negative, so to hear some positive words, whether little or small, is comforting.

[nahorletap]

Kalii, like all of the others here I would like to start by saying sorry. I know how little it seems, just one word blown away in the terrifying abyss of loss, but know that all of us here are truly sorry for what you have gone through. From experience I know how hard it is not to hate yourself for feeling the way you do, because there will never be a shortage of people telling you how privileged your life is, remember that depression is indiscriminate no matter what you have it can find you and stay with you. As to the original question posed in the subject of your post, I would say not quite. Getting over depression isn't like a ray of sun bursting through the clouds, there's no on and off switch. Its more like climbing a mountain, struggling through the mud and ice with a heavy weight dragging you down, but eventually you'll reach the top and you'll feel the weight lessen as you start down an easier path. There will always be days where your overcome by grief but you'll know so much more than just that. As to how to get there, as hard and terrifying as it seems you should talk about how your feeling to a couple of friends who you care about and trust the most. It will amaze you how kind and helpful they can be, yes there will be times when they'll get frustrated because they don't know how to help you, but ultimately your friends will be the ones to help you carry that unbearable weight to the top of the mountain, and the ones to walk beside as you start on an easier path.

I know how deafening societies cruel words can be but remember for every one there are hundreds of praises and thousands of unspoken compliments. I had a close friend who took his life because he felt alone and unloved, because he focused on those negative words, at school the day after he committed suicide the school offered for students overcome by emotions to meet at the library, the number of people there overwhelmed me. People who I thought barely knew him where there, speechless or in tears. Because he had touched so many lives, I know that societies harsh words can be loud but try and listen to the hundreds of voices whispering gratitude and love in your ears.

I sincerely hoped this helped, if not feel free to ask more questions.

[treebud]

Hi Kalii,
First of all I'm sorry to hear about your parents, what a tragic loss while you're so young. I don't think there's any magic pill, or words that could change everything. It's a hard road that we who suffer from depression follow.

I have many challenges myself, and I find myself saying, how could I give any advice to somebody else. I really don't have any special answers, except I understand, and I empathize with you. Never stop moving forward, and never let go of hope. There's always hope.

[gr8ntime]

Kalii,

I am so sorry to hear of the lost of your parents, I too lost my mother back in 2006 so I can understand the pain you feel. Everyone grieves differently and sometimes the grief can be delayed since there are many stages to the grieving process. Quite possibly you haven't fully dealt with it since understandably it is not an easy thing. I don't know if your a Bible reader but it helps us to appreciate that death is an enemy.

You mention recently marrying a "loving and supportive husband" have you spoken to him about the things that you've been going through and how your feeling? It helps to have someone close to you and even more so your husband to be able to share these feelings that your having. It would also help to be supportive to you at this time if he is aware of what your going through. I'm married too and my husband is my sounding board for a lot of things I am going through, his perspective helps me to see things a lot of times in a better light.

I am with you with the thought of not going on medication as a first alternative to depression at least for now, unless it changes and you feel yourself getting dangerously negative with your emotions and actions. I do feel the things we feed our minds on can have either a positive or negative effect on us so I would definitely discourage taking in the news of the world (it's good to be informed but if you get consumed by it, I could see it being depressing). Get some exercise whether it's walking, bike riding or whatever type of exercise you enjoy, it helps me a great deal in dealing with stress. I know of an interesting website that I go to as a pick me up but, would only do that as a PM, just let me know if your interested.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, please know that my intentions were to be of help and encouragement.