One sided marriage has really taken its toll

[virginia111]

This is the first time I have ever posting anything like this. Here goes...

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We have 3 children (5th grade up to college age). For a very long time she has not shown any interest in me other than, from what I assume, being a co-parent/roommate/additional revenue source. By a very long time I mean a good 15 yearsish. I like to show affection. Whenever I tried to hug her or kiss her she would pull away and have a ridiculous excuse to do so such as "I need to write something on the calendar" or "I am getting a pan to cook with". Like I said, this has gone on for years. At first it bothered me and I wondered what I may have done to turn her off. She hates when I bring it up. She would rather not talk about it at all. I told her that is the worst thing you can do, to not talk about problems. I even asked her 10 years ago if she was in love with me. She said of course I love you. I said that loving someone and being in love with someone is not the same thing. She said "what is the difference?". She is a very smart person, one of the smartest people I know. I know she doesn't believe there isn't a difference.

As I mentioned, she hates to talk about it so to not upset her I do not bring it up how unhappy I am often. However, whenever out of all the times we have talked about it she has never once told me what I have done to treat me this way. The last time we had a conversation about it was 9 months ago. She told me she does not want any affection shown to her by me. And, of course, I continue to not receive any from her. I find it hard to not show affection so I have resorted to kissing her and tell her I love her whenever she or I leave the house and kiss her and tell her I love her before she goes to bed. If I do not initiate that it would not happen. She does not do the same for me.

I have been sleeping in the guest room for the past 2 years. We have not been intimate in the last 1 1/2 years. Before then was very sparse and I always felt guilty because she never showed pleasure and wanted to rush it along.

I also feel like I am always in the way and am a disappointment. She talks rudely towards me. I know I am no angel but I do not know where that comes from. I have always treated her with the utmost respect.

The last almost 2 years have really worn me down. This situation has always bothered me but I feel depression is really setting in to the point that it consumes my thoughts and physical feelings day and night. I admit I have had unhealthy thoughts about hurting myself from time to time. I'm sure I wouldn't do anything like that because of what it would do to the kids. Because of the way I have been treated I now think of myself as a disappointment. I now hate myself and I don't exactly know why.

I have talked to my primary care physician and have scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist last year. I am not proud to admit that my wife talked me out of going. So, I recently made another appointment to go next month. I will not cancel this appointment. When I told her I made another appointment she clearly was more concerned with paying the copay and suggested I don't go, than my mental health.

I feel like I am trapped in this situation. I go from the feeling of sadness and crying to wanting to punch holes in the wall in frustration. I just don't know how to cope with this.

[sousui94]

I am going to be blunt. This sounds horrific. You cannot continue to live like this. This is not living, its coexisting. You need to really get to the root of this. You need to get her to open up by any means necessary, not violence of course. Marriage counseling or something. And if she refuses then you have to be prepared to face the fact that your marriage is over, even if you have been married for 20 years and have 3 kids. If you truly want things to change you have to be prepared to make a very significant decision. Do both of you a favor and give yourselves a chance to be happy again, whether its with each other or other people.

[virginia111]

Whenever I ask her what I have done to turn her off she always skirts the answer or gives something superficial as an answer, such as there is so much going on, I'm really busy, etc. This kind of response my be valid once or twice but not every time for years.

I know she would not go to counseling. She doesn't even want me to go to a therapist. I end up feeling bad for even bringing it up when I try to talk to her. She gets defensive and always says she does not want to talk about it. She would rather sweep things under the rug than deal with them. I honestly do not think she ever had an affair but am wondering the reason she doesn't want to talk about it is that she has to admit (at least to herself) that she doesn't look at me as a husband.

I feel trapped because divorce would devastate the children. Also, our financial situation isn't well enough even if I did move out (with current and upcoming college loans, etc.).

[Glad2bme]

I feel like I am in a similar situation with my husband, but I haven't let him get away with not talking about it entirely. He's on medication that treats several conditions and it inhibits him functionally. He's always been more cuddly bunny than stud muffin and he still tells me he loves me on a daily basis and initiates cuddles, but the sex is gone. He doesn't even remember how to kiss beyond a little peck on the lips. We've been together 26 years married 16.

In history, a lot of women did this who didn't enjoy sex much. They felt sex was a chore that needed to be done in order to procreate. Is your wife particularly religious? Is keeping you at bay her only form of birth control?

My husband also told me in a counseling session years after the fact that he had practised withdrawl on top of other birth control we had as a way to be more certain we would never have children together. I have a son from a previous marriage and we never fully agreed on parenting methods with him so my husband assumed I would not let him parent any children we had together. I knew on an instinctive level that something was going on and was overcome with sadness when he would do it. Spent the moments after sex just sobbing my heart out. He talked a lot but never told me the truth.

I also know that there were times he would be more sexual toward me and it was basically a reward system for keeping the house clean. His personal incentive plan I guess. It felt manipulative.

I've only survived by going to 12 step meetings for my other issues and getting therapy as needed. I go for myself and he used to try and interfere when we were first married by planning "date nights" on my meeting nights although he's never had a problem with me going to therapy. He says he supports my mental health, but we keep separate checking accounts for our personal spending and a mutual account for household expenses so it really isn't his business what co-pay I pay since that comes out of my account.

HOW did I get him to talk?

I point blank ask him on occassion if he is having an affair because that is what it feels like on my side. Humans have sexual needs, so if you aren't getting your needs met with me - who is it?

He totally cries and says it isn't like that. He has neuropathy that causes him ridiculous pain in his feet and around his sinus area. He even tried going off some of his meds, but his pain got so bad it was an inhibitor on its own so I told him to go back on it because I love him and don't want him to be in pain just so we can have sex.

Still, there is a whole range of affection in the 1st base to 3rd base territory, so maybe I should revisit the issue myself.

GET HELP for yourself... even if you choose to accept the situation, see a therapist and find some empowerment by owning the choice.

I KNOW I'm choosing to settle and I know WHY I am making the choice. I've also chosen to not make huge waves about it, but we've had a few deep and productive conversations so I have some trust that he's being truthful with me.

A devious part of me wonders how he would feel if I wanted a "just for sex" relationship on the side to take care of my own needs. I wouldn't actually want anyone else (though I've been tempted on occassion, I chose not to go down that route) but one thing about him is that it would stir his "mine" feelings and his possesiveness might snap him out of it a bit.

Love and such things are usually complicated. No real easy answers.

Good luck.

[Poseidon500]

I had a friend in this situation one time. His wife didn't have sex with him for over a year. At the year and a half mark I got stern and told hm that he has to discuss this with her. They separated and got a divorce.

You feel trapped because of the kids and financial situation. Well maybe she does too. Maybe that is why you both don't want to separate, yet from my point of view, you already are. You just live in the same house.

The kids are going to notice someday that something isn't right. Might as well get it over with and take the plunge. Let the courts decide how the bills go. 50/50 is usually the case where I come from.

A marriage without love is no marriage at all. Time to tell her it's over.

Peace.

[virginia111]

Thanks everyone for stating your thoughts and views. I appreciate the feedback. I don't even think it's about sex. It's all about being accepted and respected. I feel I am neither. You are right Poseidon, this is no kind of marriage at all. Do I think I would feel better on my own? Maybe, maybe not. At least on my own I wouldn't have anyone rejecting me that should be loving me. Do I think I can leave now? No, at least not now. There are a lot of logistics I feel that prevent that. Other than money matters, I work at home and homeschool our little one, who is very dependent on me being there.

I fear this is something I have to accept, although it is affecting my daily life. I remain unfocussed with work, I have no energy, my mind races and I feel like jumping out of my skin at times.

I am really looking forward to my appointment next month. I am hopeful some good will come from it to help clear my mind.

[virginia111]

Had my appointment and have been referred to a psycho-therapist to "talk it out". We'll see how it goes. No change at all.

[Ieris]

I think all the other members have given you great feedback and that there isn't much to add. However, I do want to say that I am glad that you stuck to your word and went to that appointment. I am not sure if you found it beneficial but these things will take time. Hope all goes well with the psycho-therapist. Do keep us updated.

[sapphire]

I agree with much of what was said already, just wanted to add some support. I feel your pain in so many ways. I am such a loving person, and it kills me inside to feel so unloved by my husband. His medication he takes seems to have sapped all the emotion out of him, and I try to support him, but it leaves me feeling empty. Please keep up with the therapy, I am longing to begin going to mine again (health care issues). Wishing you the best.

[virginia111]

Sapphire, I hope I am not being too nosey. What did you experience when going to therapy before? Did it help? Was the reason for going the feeling of rejection, like me? I am just beginning to see a therapist. She has definitely hit the nail on the head. My wife has a lot of resentment towards me for whatever reason.

[sapphire]

I began going because of issues in my previous marriage. It wasn't so much rejection of me, per se, but a rejection of my feelings. I felt trapped in a marriage I didn't want to be in, and my husband was in total denial of us having any issues so he basically said it was in my head. Meanwhile, I was miserable... constantly. I eventually left, though that too came with struggles as he made me pay heavily for leaving him.

Now I am in a new marriage and I definitely feel rejected. My husband is dealing with demons of his own, which require medication for him to even be bearable, (makes our depression seem like a walk in the park). Unfortunately his meds suck the life out of him and he shows little to no warmth to me at all. I am a very passionate person so this tends to be extremely difficult for me. He doesn't see my point of view at all and turns all my concerns back on me. We've been to two marriage counselors but with little results. We go months at a time without being intimate, and he hardly ever touches me at all. I have noticed an improvement in his treatment towards me, which at least makes things bearable, but we were so close once, its hard to deal with such an abrupt change in our relationship. But I'm afraid for him to go off the meds unless there is a viable option available.

As far as therapy goes, I didn't feel my first therapist was a good fit for me so I chose a new one. He was very helpful to me. I was able to open up to him and it helped me a lot. I did try medication at one point, but it didn't work well for me. They say it takes a while to find what works for you, but I never did find it, and I tried a few. I no longer have the same health insurance, which is the only reason I stopped going to my therapist. I have to work out my health insurance issues before I can get a new therapist. Its been rough, but I've been leaning heavily on my faith to get me through. If you have a therapist you feel comfortable with, I suggest you continue going. It can make a huge difference.