Told by doc I am depressed. I need your opinion.

[Nerf_Life]

Before you read this be prepared, because it is heavy shit. All I would like is opinions and if you can relate to me it would be helpful to pm me or help me understand that there is a way out of this. If you are uncomfortable and edgy already I suggest you stop reading HERE. So I just got done with a big sit down meeting with my big family of seven. Meeting was held because my parentals went to see a therapist and recommended this meeting. Mom and Dad and three brothers, one sister. They all have been affected by what they have witness me perform and react to my nervous breakdown. My mom encouraged me to move on, can't change the past. My little brother wondered why I thought the way I did back then, he doesn't understand. My middle brother wasn't affected by it at all because the night it happened he was going to prom and he avoided me when I was on the haldol, a sleep tranquilizer. He doesn't really want to talk about it much either because he is living high in life and dealing with it would only bring him down. My Dad had some words to say, but nothing I already haven't been told already about. My older brother was on the speaker phone during the meeting and he said I need to stop being a hermit and do what humans are meant for to socialize and thrive on life. The worst was my youngest sister, she didn't have anything to say at all, she was there, along with my Mom when I spoke of committing suicide. She also said she doesn't really care about school now all of a sudden. I think generally everyone in the family took a hit, some worse than others, but everyone got hit. They want me back to the way I was because who I am now is scary and terrifying. They like the fact that I don't have the thoughts of suicide now and appear to be laughing and crying which are good signs of recovery. And that I can still keep parts of me that were unique and good, but must forget the past because I can't reverse time. What happened happened and I need to accept that and move on. Everything is harder for me now, my Mother is being optimistic and can't wait for me to get off all these meds I am taking. Seroquel and Trazidone for sleep. Prednisone and Buprophin for the morning. The sooner off the medication, when I am stable or ready enough, will be a good sign of heavy recovery. That's all I have to say about that. A good line from Forrest Gump. I would also like everyone reading this to know that all throughout life I was always quiet and empathetic for others. Now I am spewing information and can barely take care of myself lately, hoping that it will be cured over night. But have been told it takes time. My Mom thinks it will take one year. I think it might take six years, because that's how long I kept all my medical problems in the back of my mind, not caring about them. Now I do care and want to help and do it on my own, but is even more exhausting than it once was before. I need to change soon because I am twenty-two, still live at home, and am sucking on my dad's health insurance for medical. I am big gamer and always loved them because they were an altered reality and now all of this happened, making me lose interest everything I do, but continue to fight everyday, hoping it will get better soon, just takes a long time for the meds and therapy to know when it is helping or not. I also have realized that I was thinking irrational and had distorted thoughts. But this whole thing has changed how I view and perform life and not sure how much longer I can take of this hell I am living. I wish I could turn back time.

[writeagain]

Don't despair! Your situation is not uncommon and you are not alone! Unfortunately we cannot turn back the clock and stop having the problems we have. We must deal with them. Don't let your parents make you believe that the person you are now is somehow worse than the person you were before. In some twisted way they just care about you and seeing this change is making them scared. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't hurry off your medication! Relapse is way more likely to occur when medication is dropped too quickly. Recovery takes time, and that's not a bad thing. From what you said I wouldn't dwell on anything your parents said. Their ignorance is causing them to say those things. They can't sympathize very well with you at the moment. Try to help them. Talk to them. If they don't want to talk, Fine. But at least you tried.

[Glad2bme]

I think you have the keys to your recovery and all anyone can do is help you discover what they are.

Here is a thought though. My son is a gamer, as is my grandson and in some very light weight world, I play stuff, but I basicly watch their level (or yours most likely.)

So the thought is this: You've gotten up to the 22nd level, met the big boss and tanked before. Happens, right? Well as long as you don't just play the same game over and over. If it's a challenging game, there is always the potential that you're going to lose. But it's a game and that's a place to lose because you hit restart and go again, or if you are lucky and saved the level below.... Now in LIFE it's a little different, but there are parallells.

You have some pretty heavy meds, so it must have been quite a show. I've been on two sides of that. Wanting to be gone and talking someone out of what seems like the only option when they are looking into the tunnel of a very distorted thought process. I don't mean just talking people down on boards. I mean real life. My son.

I'm no saint. Last night I would have gladly thrown his butt off my deck if he'd not done something amazing after being a complete wad for days. He talked to me. (I know doesn't sound all that amazing, but I was all set to believe that he was in "know it all mode" and couldn't hear a word I was saying.)

Working back to full health with family always remember that YOUR best course of action is one-on-one. And you need to set down and analyze what happened with a good shrink and get some healthy ammends for each person. Think of it as different levels in a game. Each boss requires something different to allow you to pass to the next level. In this case, you aren't required to wipe anyone out, more like passing that little dog guarding the bridge in Labryinth, "NONE may pass this bridge without MY Permission" means PASSAGE requires GETTING PERMISSION.

Because what you are really doing is earning back their trust. Showing your intention to be the kind of family member who cares about themself and others again. It takes time to care again. It takes time to figure out what is really broken between you and them specifically. It takes time to piece it all together and present it.

But they love you and it will get better day by day until one day it's a lot better. Then you'll have a shit day, like everyone does, but it will suck more because hope was just starting to bloom. BREATHE through that day and a better one will come, then another. What makes things better isn't the things themselves, but your ability to accept and cope. We are all better at those on some days worse on others.

Thing between you and your Mom will probably go faster. Still a year is maybe pushing it. She's actively on game, and between you and she once the meds have served their purpose, you will probably have some basics she needs from you and as long as you hit those marks you'll be fine.

Your Mom wants the "real you" back and the meds make that difficult. I feel for her, but DON'T CAVE to that pressure. WHO you are is FINE. It's just that you're wrapped in a ball of FRUSTRATION and nothing short of working through the shit that got you started down this road will unwrap you, so she needs to cool her bunny slippers.

Little things right now are more powerful against you than she realizes. You need your rest, you need assistance getting up and through the day. It's a physical thing. Like having a stroke. Your body needs what it needs to recover. To rush off meds is stupid, but if you don't push a little, you never get started on the recovery work.

BEST THING FOR YOUR RECOVERY RIGHT NOW - SPEW!!! Into a journal or online here. Write it down so you can let it go, but come back to it if it's important later. Artists and writers call it - MORNING PAGES -- the crap you have to get out of you before you can be creative. All the stuff flying high in your mind that leaves room for nothing else.

As far as "turning back time" well, let me say that whatever was going on before was probably multilayered. You had a lot of differnt family reactions. OH, and let Mom know that THAT will be part of the reason it takes you more than a year. Possible spiel, "MOM, you and I will be good fairly soon, but I gotta deal with them too, so be patient. I want to do this right. People who go off meds too soon, just wind up back at square 1 or worse. Let me and the DR figure that out."

Have they offered you Day Treatment? If you could get up and get out once a day, even if it's just to the library, it would help clear your head a bit. If your insurance offers a course in DBT skills, grab it. BEST way to NOT go back to the hospital.

DBT includes four sets of behavioral skills.
•Mindfulness: the practice of being fully aware and present in this one moment
•Distress Tolerance: how to tolerate pain in difficult situations, not change it
•Interpersonal Effectiveness: how to ask for what you want and say no while maintaining self-respect and relationships with others
•Emotion Regulation: how to change emotions that you want to change



Good luck!!

Glad

[NickStokes]

Thx for sharing your story.