Big Steps

[WiltedSmile]

HI

This is my first time telling anybody other than my boyfriend about what I'm going thru. Its weird for me to open up, end result is me having no friends anymore.

So long story short, I've recently come to terms that I'm suffering from depression and probably have been most of my life. The last months have been the worst I've been I think. I stopped going to work early Nov. Just couldn't go one day and haven't been back and haven't talked to anybody. My boyfriend is beyond frustrated with me, though I've been lucky since he says he's been sad most his life too, and I suspect might give up on me soon. I've been difficult and I know that. I would like to be able to love him the way he loves me, but most days I don't feel anything and can't stand to be touched.

I don't think I could kill myself, but I do think about it most days. I guess I registered because I'm ready to try to get better. Maybe make a friend, or leave my house.

[Catfish]

You're here, for whatever that's worth. I don't know anything about this place since I just joined too, other than we're surrounded by people like us. All of whom feel like we're completely alone. The one thing I've learned about depression over the last 15 years is that until you acknowledge and face that you have it and are suffering from it, you'll never be able to function the way you like. And even then it's still a chore. But you have to own it.
It's you. It's who and what you are and even at your worst and lowest points, it doesn't have to define you. But don't run from it or avoid it because it will always be waiting. You just have to do the very best you can with what you have. The rest of life is easy. Dealing with yourself is the hard part. I struggle with it everyday. Best of luck to you. You're not alone.

[WiltedSmile]

Thanks Catfish. I think the hardest part for me is convincing myself to get help. I haven't done that yet, but I know that I need to. I'm scared they are going to lock me up somewhere. When I was 18 I dropped out of high school and stopped going to work, I didn't think at the time I was depressed, but looking back now I realize I was. My mom went and got a Mental Health Warrant and the police brought me to the hospital where I was held for 3 days against my will. I wanted out so bad that I faked being fine well enough that they released me and I went back to suppressing everything and faking it.

[TurtleRock]

Hello, Welcome to the Site.

I would add my voice in agreement to user:Catfish statement about owning it.
Depression is a very strange and largely intangible thing to anyone who hasn't experienced it and even for those who have but aren't in that head space now.

If you can try and convince yourself yes I am in fact depressed in my own experience it gets easier to identify when your falling into a negative thought loop. People do deal with it on there own with varying degree's of success but that is all dependent then acknowledging that it has an affect on their life.

The good news is depression does not automatically mean your a danger to yourself. This is important in the sense that IF you feel capable or at least try to ask for some professional help you can lead with - I'm having an increasingly hard time going forward with my life as opposed to I day dream about self terminating - Which is in all honesty a common yet very dangerous thought loop to get into.

I'm not saying you should lie, But if you are trying to balance the fear of not being in control of how they might react vs the fear your losing control over your life I will admit I've been honest about how I've felt but a great deal less so when it comes to the thoughts of self terminating. For myself it allowed to me ask for help with out opening more of myself to them then I was comfortable with.

Again Welcome to the Site!