Unslumping myself is not easily done

[myownworstenemy1972]

Hi.I'm Heather. That's a line from one of my favorite Dr. Seuss books. Well, its "unslumping yourself" but that's neither here nor there. The point is I'm stuck and I can't seem to break this cycle. I've suffered from depression most of my life but have managed to work through some really tough times. I'm not doing very well now. It all started a little over a year ago when my best friend died and the depression has increased to the point that I know I need to do something but finding that motivation is so difficult. I started a job last October making great money, left an abusive relationship in April and am living in a beautiful apartment. I was injured at work in March and have been out of work since the beginning of May. I fell down some stairs and hurt my ankle. I share custody of my twins with my ex husband who is wonderful. They are with him mostly during the week because of school. I have basically been isolating and the scary part is, a part of me just doesn't care. I barely get out of bed, only when I have to. I do talk to a couple of friends daily. I feel like I'm stagnant and I don't know how to force myself to get moving again. Being out of work, I can't afford therapy right now. Being injured, I can't go for walks. But I am also choosing to stay inside and hide from life. I am disgusted with myself because I haven't always been like this. A part of me desperately wants to get out there and take advantage of every day. I want to go on adventures, feel the sun on my face, the sand between my toes and laugh until I cry. The part that has control now doesn't want to do anything. I do what I need to to take care of my kids and my house is clean. I just feel empty...like nothing and I am simply confused by how a part of me has such a strong desire to live life and another just doesn't care what goes on outside the walls of my home as long as no one bothers me. I feel broken and lost. I don't cry much. I just don't feel much of anything. I'm new here and this is my first post. Thanks for taking the time to read my rant. I guess I'm just desperate for a way out.