Like many, this is something I've never done before but I'm at my lowest point right now and am feeling such a wave of self loathing, guilt, and shame about it that I felt the need to get things out even if I'm taking the cowardly route of doing it on an online forum anonymously. First some background...
I'm Bipolar and have treating it medically with Depakote for about 15 years.
I also have ADHD for which I'm treating with Adderall.
I've struggled with a nearly crippling nail biting habit all of my life. One that I now see manifesting itself in my children.
I'm 43 years old, have been married for 17 years to a woman I don't deserve who has given me two beautiful children ages; a daughter (age 9) and a son (age 10).
As a result of all the mental illness in my family (mostly my mom's side), I'm estranged from nearly all of my family. This includes my mother. My father died of cancer a little over 20 years ago.
My childhood was marred by my parents who never got along and fought so regularly that it has rendered me mute to respond in a conflict with my wife in my marriage. This issue has led us to marriage counseling on multiple occasions and met with limited success.
My childhood and life has also been affected by an incident that occurred when I was 13 years old. My parents were not home one night and left me and my 3 sisters (2 younger and 1 older) alone. During this time five men broke into our house, held me at gunpoint, and made me listen while they pistol whipped and raped my older sister.
Those are the key elements of my background. Those more I could say but in the interest of time I will move forward to the present...
Like many, my struggle with depression has had its share of peaks and valleys, however, this feels to be the lowest point I've ever felt in my life.
My wife and I are trying to hold our marriage together after 17 years but it's barely hanging on. Over the past year I've become more or less an emotional void. I don't even attempt to connect emotionally with her anymore. I don't feel passion for her much anymore but simply live her as a partner and the mother of my children.
During this past year I've also seen my career (18+ years at the same company) take a turn for the worse. I went from getting regularly promoted to having my performance questioned, underperforming on projects, and having it exposed before all of my colleagues. It has been a devastating blow to my ego. It all accumulated on Friday with the VP telling me that I need to decide what I'm going to do because I will soon be placed on a performance program that will soon have me out of a job. What makes things worse is that I'm very well paid with excellent benefits. It will be a devastating financial blow to our family. I could never hope to get that kind of salary again.
Now the horrible confession...
Over the last 5 years in my current role I've spent a considerable amount of time on the road traveling. During the course of these travels I've sometimes found myself in such a state of self loathing and hate that I've committed adulterous and self destructive behavior by having sex with men via Craigslist want ads. I've cheated on my wife and thus sinned against God. Despite the guilt I always feel afterwards I find myself continually doing it.
I want to confess what I've done to her but am such a coward as I fear the ostracism that would come from family, friends, and others if this we're exposed.
This makes me not only a coward but a selfish one at that. My actions to seek some sort of cheap pleasure hurt my wife and kids and now my selfishness keeps me from confessing.
I thus want to take the cowards way out and take my own life rather than continue to put my wife through more misery and shame to my kids.
So much more I could still write and say but this is the main thing I've never told anyone about. I don't expect sympathy from anyone as I don't deserve it. I just feel so hopeless right now as I feel God gave me is many chances to redeem myself yet I basically took him for granted and in fact spit back at him by breaking his commandments.
I am reaping everything that I've sown.
If you actually took the time to read all of this then I say thank you. If. You should take the time to reply back to me whether good, bad, or indifferent them I say thank you as well.
In the meantime, here's hoping that this form of confession while still no where near being fully genuine, can at least serve as a starting point.
Curt
My Story...Confessing my sins and shame
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Hi Curt,
It took courage to reveal these parts of your life story.
To be honest, I'm still waking up from a nap, so my response may not be fully thought out.
However, I'll do my best. Anything more I will PM you, a later so please look for the private message.
First, I want to say that I'm sorry for what you've suffered in life that has led you to where you are now.
I will leave it at that, because you are aware of all that you mentioned...
How old were you and your sisters when those evil bastards invaded your home?? This is terrible, and I more than feel for you and your sister...
Fast forwarding, I'm struggling with what to say for your five year cheating excursions on your wife.
Yes, you've sinned against God in more ways than adultery. As a believer in Christ, I don't have to tell you that adultery is the only part of the sin that you commit. You ask for honesty? I'm being truthful.
On top of this, did you know that the use of condoms is not a 100% deterrent against STD's?? You're in your way to infecting yourself and your wife with something unimaginable...and for what?! A few scattered moments of pleasure?! It is time to put an end to this crud. (You know it's crud) You also know that you need to put a quick end to this. Start talking to a pastor, counselor- maybe both. More importantly? Do not ignore your conscience on this matter. It has power to save your marriage, job, and your soul.
It's NOT worth it Curt. But, I do believe you need help, as this has been an ongoing hell for five years.
To add to the equation, is forgiveness. It's not too late. You mentioned your adultery/homosexual excursions of the past 5 yrs. You also said that you feel like you're spitting in God's face for the repetitive nature of these actions. I've felt the same way...
There are times that when I do drink, I overdo it. I awaken with a guilt ridden hangover and pray to be forgiven. However, I wind up repeating this scenario all too often, and it makes me feel like I'm taking His forgiveness for granted. Well, finally, (with much prayer for deliverance for this) I'm seeing improvement.
It is not too late for you, Curt. But, you need to buck up, be a man, and stop cheating on your spouse- no matter how much feeling you've lost in your marriage. You are still accountable for your actions. We're ALL sinners, and have our own personal weaknesses. Our maker knows this...
Life is also unpredictable. Unforseen accidents occur every second, and you want to change the circumstances of how you're living. Your words express this. I can't stress enough that you need to get some help, as you have a habit that you find hard to break. God still loves you. There is still forgiveness. But, show Him a genuine change of heart. You can do this! And you WANT to.
Should you tell your wife this yet, and shatter her heart? I don't know, Curt. Maybe after you've sought the help you need?
Your job is immensely important, because it helps put food on the table. You're taking care of your family, your children. Please forgive me if this comes across as 'harsh,' but you need to suck it up, step it up, and put on your best performance. Use the energy you've placed into your secret rendezvous, into your work. This, in itself, can also help! Losing your job due to a lack of genuine effort? It would add also to your feelings of betraying your wife/family. Where then would this leave you all. The time is NOW to "buck up" while your job performance is in question. THAT is what you can do for your family, while you attempt to work out the rest.
Don't ever end your life. If you think that what you've done would hurt them, this would be the bitter-harsh icing on the cake, Curt. Can you see that??
It's not too late for forgiveness. It's not too late to step things up for your family's sake either. You CAN do this, and don't you give up.
Keep in touch, and take care.
I will offer up prayers for you...
Don't give up; There is still something in you that wants to live. Or, why would you have posted?
I'll try to PM you in a bit.
It took courage to reveal these parts of your life story.
To be honest, I'm still waking up from a nap, so my response may not be fully thought out.
However, I'll do my best. Anything more I will PM you, a later so please look for the private message.
First, I want to say that I'm sorry for what you've suffered in life that has led you to where you are now.
I will leave it at that, because you are aware of all that you mentioned...
How old were you and your sisters when those evil bastards invaded your home?? This is terrible, and I more than feel for you and your sister...
Fast forwarding, I'm struggling with what to say for your five year cheating excursions on your wife.
Yes, you've sinned against God in more ways than adultery. As a believer in Christ, I don't have to tell you that adultery is the only part of the sin that you commit. You ask for honesty? I'm being truthful.
On top of this, did you know that the use of condoms is not a 100% deterrent against STD's?? You're in your way to infecting yourself and your wife with something unimaginable...and for what?! A few scattered moments of pleasure?! It is time to put an end to this crud. (You know it's crud) You also know that you need to put a quick end to this. Start talking to a pastor, counselor- maybe both. More importantly? Do not ignore your conscience on this matter. It has power to save your marriage, job, and your soul.
It's NOT worth it Curt. But, I do believe you need help, as this has been an ongoing hell for five years.
To add to the equation, is forgiveness. It's not too late. You mentioned your adultery/homosexual excursions of the past 5 yrs. You also said that you feel like you're spitting in God's face for the repetitive nature of these actions. I've felt the same way...
There are times that when I do drink, I overdo it. I awaken with a guilt ridden hangover and pray to be forgiven. However, I wind up repeating this scenario all too often, and it makes me feel like I'm taking His forgiveness for granted. Well, finally, (with much prayer for deliverance for this) I'm seeing improvement.
It is not too late for you, Curt. But, you need to buck up, be a man, and stop cheating on your spouse- no matter how much feeling you've lost in your marriage. You are still accountable for your actions. We're ALL sinners, and have our own personal weaknesses. Our maker knows this...
Life is also unpredictable. Unforseen accidents occur every second, and you want to change the circumstances of how you're living. Your words express this. I can't stress enough that you need to get some help, as you have a habit that you find hard to break. God still loves you. There is still forgiveness. But, show Him a genuine change of heart. You can do this! And you WANT to.
Should you tell your wife this yet, and shatter her heart? I don't know, Curt. Maybe after you've sought the help you need?
Your job is immensely important, because it helps put food on the table. You're taking care of your family, your children. Please forgive me if this comes across as 'harsh,' but you need to suck it up, step it up, and put on your best performance. Use the energy you've placed into your secret rendezvous, into your work. This, in itself, can also help! Losing your job due to a lack of genuine effort? It would add also to your feelings of betraying your wife/family. Where then would this leave you all. The time is NOW to "buck up" while your job performance is in question. THAT is what you can do for your family, while you attempt to work out the rest.
Don't ever end your life. If you think that what you've done would hurt them, this would be the bitter-harsh icing on the cake, Curt. Can you see that??
It's not too late for forgiveness. It's not too late to step things up for your family's sake either. You CAN do this, and don't you give up.
Keep in touch, and take care.
I will offer up prayers for you...
Don't give up; There is still something in you that wants to live. Or, why would you have posted?
I'll try to PM you in a bit.
Hi Curt,
There is a movie called: Courageous. It's produced by Sherwood films.
Something within me felt the need to mention it to you. It's changed the lives of many men and their families. I truly feel that it would strongly touch and benefit you. Will you watch it? It has the power to change lives, and it has definitely done so! (not to mention, entertaining)
There is a movie called: Courageous. It's produced by Sherwood films.
Something within me felt the need to mention it to you. It's changed the lives of many men and their families. I truly feel that it would strongly touch and benefit you. Will you watch it? It has the power to change lives, and it has definitely done so! (not to mention, entertaining)
Dear Curt,
I read your post and it took me awhile to respond because you brought up a lot of deep turmoil that you have been going through but the most important thing in your confession is that you know it is a serious problem and by going on this site you’re obviously reaching out for help.
You mention that you have been married for 17 years which is commendable although with the experiencing depression and subsequent medication it has no doubt made it a trying time. Depression as you mentioned can be an up and down struggle. Also with all that has happened in your background it has shaped a lot of who you are.
In mentioning your horrible confession and feeling loathing and self-hate for what you have done it seems it is just your God given conscious at work. We all have sinned and fallen short since we all are imperfect. I am religious and believe we have a God who is forgiving especially when we confess our sins. You’ve done so on this site for strangers and that takes courage although, confessing to your wife in person would be even more difficult but very necessary (the roles were reversed you would want your wife to come to you). Since you mentioned your belief in God please keep in mind the words of 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous so as to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”. You do need to talk to your wife, it will be hard no doubt, but holding this in has been a great burden, which could be lifted. Please don’t think that taking your life will solve anything but rather create a greater problem for your children and your wife whom I am sure you love.
True we do reap what we have sown but that saying works in a positive way too, especially if we put forth earnest effort to change. Go in prayer to God who wants us to come to him with the things that burden us Psalms 62:8 says, “Trust in him at all times, O people pour out your hearts before him. God is a refuge for us”. I don’t know how religious you are but if you follow this advice you can’t go wrong. Remember your family loves you, please think more importantly on the positive things that can come from communicating your desire to be a better person. I hope and pray you do make the necessary steps for change, because in doing so all the other things such as your job situation can turn around too. I will keep you in prayer, hoping always for the best.
I read your post and it took me awhile to respond because you brought up a lot of deep turmoil that you have been going through but the most important thing in your confession is that you know it is a serious problem and by going on this site you’re obviously reaching out for help.
You mention that you have been married for 17 years which is commendable although with the experiencing depression and subsequent medication it has no doubt made it a trying time. Depression as you mentioned can be an up and down struggle. Also with all that has happened in your background it has shaped a lot of who you are.
In mentioning your horrible confession and feeling loathing and self-hate for what you have done it seems it is just your God given conscious at work. We all have sinned and fallen short since we all are imperfect. I am religious and believe we have a God who is forgiving especially when we confess our sins. You’ve done so on this site for strangers and that takes courage although, confessing to your wife in person would be even more difficult but very necessary (the roles were reversed you would want your wife to come to you). Since you mentioned your belief in God please keep in mind the words of 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous so as to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”. You do need to talk to your wife, it will be hard no doubt, but holding this in has been a great burden, which could be lifted. Please don’t think that taking your life will solve anything but rather create a greater problem for your children and your wife whom I am sure you love.
True we do reap what we have sown but that saying works in a positive way too, especially if we put forth earnest effort to change. Go in prayer to God who wants us to come to him with the things that burden us Psalms 62:8 says, “Trust in him at all times, O people pour out your hearts before him. God is a refuge for us”. I don’t know how religious you are but if you follow this advice you can’t go wrong. Remember your family loves you, please think more importantly on the positive things that can come from communicating your desire to be a better person. I hope and pray you do make the necessary steps for change, because in doing so all the other things such as your job situation can turn around too. I will keep you in prayer, hoping always for the best.
In response to Gr8ntime and 4EverMe...
Thanks gr8ntime for your response. I could not argue with anything you said. I do know that the time is coming to confess to my wife. As 4EverMe has pointed out, there is a possibility that through my sin I have done something even more horrible in picking up an STD and infecting my wife. I do fear what will happen as a result of this.
I would be kicked out of my home, ostracized and alienated from family and friends. All of this would be deserved but I don't know if the weight lifted off my shoulders would be enough to help me deal with the new wave of horrible stuff that would come my way as a result. Yes, my soul would be cleansed so to speak but I could lose everything else in the process.
All of this is incredibly selfish of me to discuss but I think my fear is understandable.
I can tell you that outside of this things have gotten better. My psychiatrist prescribed an extended release version of Xanax that has helped take some of the edge off of my anxiety enough for me to function a little better throughout the day. I have also started going to therapy sessions which have been helpful in trying to understand how the things in my past are contributing to some of the self-defeating behavior I'm going through now and have forced me to take some positive experiences from them to draw off of rather than the negative that I have typically tended to dwell on.
As for my job situation, everything is still very much in the air but I seem to be dealing with the reality of what may happen a lot better so hopefully that is a good thing. At the end of the day, moping around in a funk about it won't help me to either secure a new role within my company (if that option is out there) much less take the initiative to spend time looking and posting for jobs externally.
All of this being said, I still recognize that complete healing will come through a total cleansing of my soul. My next step in my "baby step confession process" is to talk to a counselor. I may initially do this through a phone line through a christian radio station that allows listeners to talk to pastors on staff. I know this is still anonymously but at least I would be speaking to someone one on one even if I'm not looking them in the eye. That is a step up from posting on this board even if it is still a ways off from the real thing.
Anyway, thanks again to you and 4EverMe for taking the time to write back. It has been helpful.
Lastly, I have heard of the movie Courageous. Its by the same filmmakers who made Fireproof which I enjoyed years ago when our church life group did a bible study on it. I know the irony of that statement is very obvious and not lost on me.
Regards,
Curt
I would be kicked out of my home, ostracized and alienated from family and friends. All of this would be deserved but I don't know if the weight lifted off my shoulders would be enough to help me deal with the new wave of horrible stuff that would come my way as a result. Yes, my soul would be cleansed so to speak but I could lose everything else in the process.
All of this is incredibly selfish of me to discuss but I think my fear is understandable.
I can tell you that outside of this things have gotten better. My psychiatrist prescribed an extended release version of Xanax that has helped take some of the edge off of my anxiety enough for me to function a little better throughout the day. I have also started going to therapy sessions which have been helpful in trying to understand how the things in my past are contributing to some of the self-defeating behavior I'm going through now and have forced me to take some positive experiences from them to draw off of rather than the negative that I have typically tended to dwell on.
As for my job situation, everything is still very much in the air but I seem to be dealing with the reality of what may happen a lot better so hopefully that is a good thing. At the end of the day, moping around in a funk about it won't help me to either secure a new role within my company (if that option is out there) much less take the initiative to spend time looking and posting for jobs externally.
All of this being said, I still recognize that complete healing will come through a total cleansing of my soul. My next step in my "baby step confession process" is to talk to a counselor. I may initially do this through a phone line through a christian radio station that allows listeners to talk to pastors on staff. I know this is still anonymously but at least I would be speaking to someone one on one even if I'm not looking them in the eye. That is a step up from posting on this board even if it is still a ways off from the real thing.
Anyway, thanks again to you and 4EverMe for taking the time to write back. It has been helpful.
Lastly, I have heard of the movie Courageous. Its by the same filmmakers who made Fireproof which I enjoyed years ago when our church life group did a bible study on it. I know the irony of that statement is very obvious and not lost on me.
Regards,
Curt
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