here goes nothing…. (triggering material)

[scorch]

Welp.. I don't even know where to start... I gues I can start with that I started self harming in 6th grade. (I'm in 10th grade now) Its always been on and off. Recently my family found out and my mom freaked out and was violent towards me. Not the best way to react when you find out you're daughter self harms... I also got paraded in front of my family, they're all crying.. I don't really understand why... Like I'm the one who "has the problem" not you. I hate people crying. Its like you know you could be perpetually in a state of numbness. Which is how I feel, or don't feel.. I can never describe my emotions because I don't feel anything. I'm indesicive and its really irritating. So I go to counseling now, but it doesn't help. I can never tell my counselor the truth. Atleast not the whole truth. My mom says I can't tell anyone about her being violent with me because "it could ruin her career" I told my 2 bestfriends anyway. She doesn't even think being violent was serious. I told her it bithered me that she did that and she laughed at me. "Its not a big deal, I wasn't going to hurt you." Nobody understands me. I feel like crying a lot. My eyes tear up but tears don't come out. I just sit there with watery eyes. I hate myself. I don't deserve to be happy. I won't allow myself to be happy. I don't know myself at all. I have no idea whether I like most people, not that it matters. I want to die, but if I kill myself my bestfriends will kill themselves too. They're the only things keeping me alive. Soon it might not be enough.. I hope this doesn't completely suck.....

[fallen]

i am probably not the best person to talk to on here , because i am a total screw up at the moment.....blah....blah......!
but i wanted you to know i am sorry you are going through this, and that i genuinely do care.
suicide hurts a lot of people, and though you may want people to hurt like you are, it isn't the best option, and it is rather final........
but i can not talk at the moment, because basically i am feeling the same way....!
so this may have made you more depressed, but hopefully not.
hey at least i said ' hello '.
take care

[4EverMe]

Hi scorch,
YES; YOU DO MATTER. Tell your counselor e-v-e-r-y-thing. It will be difficult to find any healing unless you are completely honest with your counselor. After all, it is not your mom's counseling session, right??
It is yours as you know.
I wish you the best in life, and I'm sorry your mom reacted in the manner she did. Maybe, she freaked out and didn't know how to react. However, it doesn't make it any more fair to you.
Try and keep your head 'above water,' okay? Things will eventually improve somehow, as something's got to give here.
I'm hoping for you, the best!