Hello Everyone my name is Rick. and here goes nothing..

[Sheriff_88]

Hey everyone its nice to find a forum with so many people who seem to have great perspective. I skimmed a few other welcome posts before getting the courage to just go for it and post something..

First off this is the first time probably ever I have ever spoken out about my feelings of depression. Its funny how it is sometimes easier to speak to a group of people we've never met before we speak to loved ones.

I have never been one to speak about my emotions to anyone i keep so much bottled inside me out of fear of placing the burden of my issues upon other people. I grew up in a house hold FULL of problems ranging from financial to openly exposed marital problems and violence at a young age so I've grown to bottle my issues up and suck it up so to speak. Since everyone around me had they're own issues to deal with in my eyes.

Recently I had multiple deaths in my family happen in a span of a few months apart people who were close to me since birth and I had trouble grieving for some reason. I was numb i shed some tears and felt heartbreak but was numb. I felt like i had to be strong to support my family in there time of need and didn't want to be weak in a sense. So i took it all in covered my face and took it all in and moved on.

I'm also in a crumbling long term relationship with someone who lives with me and with someone who will not let go of me as much as the signs are there. Threatens to destroy or tarnish my name with my career and destroy my belongings and reputation no matter how much of it are lies. the relationship has lasted 5 years and i believe its run its course but i am the only one in that belief so I live in my home miserable and emotionally hostage. she still loves me but it doesn't feel that way it is forced out of her fear of being alone. I love this person on a different level to the extent that no matter what i would like to see them happy with someone who is not me in this situation. She does not. Yes i know that it may sound immature or an easy fix but there are so many more details involved. Im to the the point where i want to sell my home pack my bags pick a place on the map and just go... but instead i bottle it in.

I've always had good friendships with people but never strong. Everyone in my life always seems to be on the go. like I'm a pit stop so to speak.. I don't rely on anyone or have had anyone in my life who i could just sit down and have a personal conversation with or who are genuine to me. For me and not what i have or can do for them.. I keep myself as busy as possible wit my career gym activities...anything...

A few times maybe like 2 or 3 times I've been triggered by my feelings and have broken down in tears (as hard as that is for me to admit being the manly type lol) when im alone with my thoughts.by the time I'm finished i feel confused to as of why its occurring..

I am always the open ear to my friends and families problems because i just want to help them because i care for them but when i needed someone to speak to the last couple of years no one has been in sight... I wake up every morning and cover my depression with a a mask and smile and throw on my character when really i feel like I'm being eaten from inside.... I've never been needy of peoples attention or have forced people to care for me...

Im sorry for being so general in describing my situation but its hard to go into specifics for me... i feel like i know the answers or solutions but cant bring them to fruition for some reason

Dont know whats in store for me and my future... guess ill see..

thank you all for your time

[Ieris]

Hello Rick,

Thank you for sharing your story.

You seem very considerate towards others and support them when they are in need. I think it is important for you to have people you can rely on when you are in need, I know you don't want to burden others but its good to know there are people you can count on if anything ever happens.

I am sorry about your loss, these things are never easy to overcome but gradually you will learn to accept it. Grieving is not a weakness, you have as much right to do so as the others in your family, this is a time when you should all support each other. I don't think it's healthy to bottle things up, it will only build up more and more so try to find a way to release some of that pressure from time to time.

Regarding your relationship, if you know you want to move on then you will need to be more brutal if she isn't taking the hint. I was stuck with someone for a while because he wouldn't let go and threatened to do this or that which only winded me up even more. One day I just snapped, just made it clear that I never want to see or hear from him again. Walked off before he can even threaten me with whatever he had in mind, blocked his number etc. Sometimes you just have to pack up your stuff and leave, don't give them the chance to pull your feet. You will have to do it eventually so why not sooner.

As we get older, more problems seem to occur so it maybe hard for others to hear you out when they are dealing with their own issues. I think many people in this forum make a lot of effort to listen and to care for their friends and family but when they are in need, those people don't return the favour.
Well if you ever need to have a chat or vent to someone about something feel free to PM me.

x