Hi All,
I started writing out my story to post on here and have ended up basically typing out my life story. It helped to get it out of my head. Im not in a good way at the minute, worried that Im going to lose my kids and my wife. My stomach is constantly churning, im not eating very much at all (lucky to eat once a day) I am absolutely dreading christmas day, but its all explained in my story (please dont judge me too harshly from it - i am trying to change)
I have read some of the other stories on here and i know a lot of people are much worse off than me
My story starts in primary school - I was bullied very severely from about grades 3 through to year 10 in high school...it was constant and usually always about my weight, some of it even became physical. I had my core group of friends but it felt like nearly everyone else was against me. I never spoke with anyone properly (other than telling teachers someone called me a name etc). It got so bad at times then in the mornings I would self harm so my mum would let me stay home from school (i was brought up in a single parent household - my dad left when i was 3, i still had a bit to do with him but never a real lot)
This bullying gave me horrible self confidence issues, I’ve never felt good about myself, it is around this time (14 or 15 years age) that i first start having suicidal thoughts But I always managed to get good grades - particularly with maths and science subjects.
When i reached Year 11, all the kids in my town are sent to 1 high school for Year 11 and 12, and there is about 2000 kids at the school so I became a bit anonymous and the bullying stopped. I graduated high school with fairly high grades in maths and science and got accepted into a Bachelor of Chemistry at university in Melbourne (about an 2 hours away from where i lived). I moved in with my dad. This never worked, i made out the year, but structured my time table so i could be at home most of the time and was only in Melbourne for Uni for 2.5 days a week (2 of the days were 8am-8pm). I finish out the year and transfer to a university in my home town into a Bachelor of Applied Science
Its at this time i discover the internet, where people judge me on what i say rather than what i look like. My friends like to go out nightclubbing and invite me to come along but this just saddens me as they would normally "pick up" (IE get with a girl) and i wouldn’t. I am still a virgin at this stage. I end up talking with a girl in Sydney (her name is Emma) (about 10 hours drive away from me) I am 19 at this time , she was 15. We talk a lot online and eventually start talking on the phone, this continues for most of the year and eventually at the end of the year her and her mother end up coming to Melbourne for a holiday, so we organise to meet. We meet up and spend a few days together and end up kissing (this sadly is the first time i have kissed a girl, it is also her first kiss). We decide we want to spend more time together so i organise to spend 2 weeks in Sydney staying with other friends, but end up only spending 1 night with them and her mother allows me to stay at their house the rest of the time. We fall in love (at least at the time I thought it was). So I decide to transfer to a University in Sydney near her house, and her mother will allow me to board with them. This all happens, and for the first time in my life I am truly happy. It is at this time I lose my virginity to her (and she to me), and we are together for the rest of that year. She hates living where she does though and is also bullied at school (because of her weight, same as I was) So we decide to move back to my home town, I will transfer back to the university, and she will board at my mothers house for a short while until she gets her own apartment and will finish her schooling at my old high school. She moves into her own place after around a month or so (around February). About a month or so after this we start fighting fairly regularly and break up and get back together several times. I start talking to a girl in Melbourne who I have a pretty good connection with, her name is Tara. We chat fairly regularly and she turns 16 during this time and I jokingly say to her “Oh good now you’re legal age” to which she responds “You’re just like every other guy”...I got upset with that coz I'm not and she apologized and we got into a D&M and she had been sexually abuse a fair few times and guys had just taken advantage of her her whole life. Anyways during this chat she confesses she loves me, but I assume just as a friend, but I really like her. We agree to meet up later in week. Emma is in Sydney at her mothers house, so I tell her what I'm doing, as we are in an off period and she says shes happy for me and good luck.
I meet up with Tara and instant and I mean INSTANT attraction. We spend the day together and we end up kissing a lot. It was only meant to be one day (a Friday) but I decide to stay at my dads over the weekend and see her again on the Monday and Tuesday (she had something on that weekend). The attraction becomes more intense, we don’t sleep together, but have a great time. She has a busy schedule and because of the distance, we cant see each other much, but we meet up again a few weeks later (after talking nearly every night on the phone). I am weak and about a week later (despite being happy) I break up with Tara coz I don’t want to deal with the long distance thing. A little while after that I am visiting Emma and she tells me she still loves me and wants to be with me, so a little while later we get back together. Tara and I continue talking a little but not much and eventually stop all together as Emma didn’t want me talking to her. Me and Emma are back together but not happily and fighting on and off and eventually a few months we break it off for good. A few weeks later I start dating one of her friends, which doesn’t go down to well, she sends me some nasty texts messages over a few days, and that is the last I ever hear from her (this is about 12 years ago) – Me and her friend date for a little while and eventually I tell her that I feel guilty about what happened with Tara and would she mind if I started talking to her again. She is fine with it so I start talking to Tara again (about 6 months after we broke up). She has a new boyfriend at this stage and I of course have a girl friend. We start talking and eventually agree to meet up for a coffee with her boyfriend and my girlfriend. We meet up and the attraction was still there. Just as strong. After a few days I send Tara a message and let her know that I still had feelings for her. She responds and says she feels the same and was going to send me a message saying the same but didn’t want to mess things up with me and my girlfriend. We eventually break up with our partners and decide to try again (this is about a year after we first dated). This time I vow to make it work. We start dating and its all going well (awesome in fact) and after 3 months I propose to her and she says yes. We have our engagement party a few weeks later and almost exactly a month after that we find out Tara is pregnant (she is 17 and I am 22 at this stage). We decide we both are happy for this (and to be honest we didn’t do much to prevent it from happening).
She moves to Bendigo at the end of the school year (a few weeks later) and we get an apartment together. I finish my uni degree but decide to go back to get my Honors. All is going well but then a month or so into my honors I decide I really need to get a job, to be able to support her and the baby. So I defer my studies, and get a job. We move back to Melbourne, and a month after her 18th birthday the baby is born, a boy we name Frazer. All goes well for the next year, we have a few arguments but nothing too major, Frazer is a good baby who sleeps really well and all is good. Then my boss is made redundant at work and I can see the writing on the wall that they are downsizing so I decide to leave. I get a job back in my hometown and we decide to live with my mother for a year to save money for a house deposit. Once again all is good for about 6 months, then we find out Tara is pregnant again with our 2nd baby. Mum says we need to be out before its before the baby is born as the house will be too crowded. So we end up finding a place, getting a loan and move out into our very own house. 2 weeks later the baby is born, a girl we name Pollyanna.
At my job I am doing a lot of night shift (24/7 business) as I am the youngest person working in the lab at the time so the older ones figure I should be doing it and not them. I struggle with sleeping and am getting quite grumpy and we are fighting more regularly and for some reason I start calling her names (stupid, etc) in fights. A couple of times she slaps me. This continues on and then we get a surprise 18 months later, she is pregnant again with baby #3. During the pregnancy things are still struggling a bit, and we are arguing a lot and at one stage she leaves while I am at work to her mums, but we reconcile a few days later.
At one stage during the pregnancy she is hospitalized with fainting and her phone is nearly flat so we swap phones for the night. I forget I have her phone (they are the same model) and open the messages and see a lot of text messages from a guy back and forward where she says several times she loves him and wants to meet up. I confront her about it and she says she was after affection because I had become distant. She sends him a message telling him she was engaged, etc and not to message her again but my trust is hurt a little bit, and I start checking her phone and looking at her emails for quite a while.
About a month before the baby is born (in April) my nanna passes away, she is 84 but is very fit and it is very sudden (she suffers from a stroke). To make matters worse we had all said our goodbyes as she was unconscious but she recovers and is fully awake and ready to come home, then suffers another massive stroke and never wakes up. She is the matriarch of our family, which was quite close (we would commonly have up to 60 people at Christmas lunch). This is the first time I have experienced death. It hits my mum very badly she has a bit of a breakdown but keeps herself occupied by looking after my pop who relied on my nanna a lot (he suffers from extremely bad arthritis).
Baby #3 is born about a month after this, another daughter we name Brooklyn. Things keep traveling along with quite a lot of arguing and me doing stupid things like calling Tara names. I’m till working night shift and not sleeping well and being very grumpy. I’ve had enough of it and start looking for a new job. Not long before we move a few friends from Uni are back in town and ring me up to come out with them, so I do. When I don’t arrive home at the time I said I would Tara rings me very angrily to see where I am, so I go home and kind of distance myself from my friends to make her happy.
I get offered a role as QSE Coordinator at a limestone quarry in a very isolated small town (~150 people) called Buchan about 6 hours away from where we are living. The money is good and the opportunity is good so we decide to make the move. We rent out our house we owned and rent a house in a town called Lakes Entrance to live in, this is a beautiful seaside town about 45 minutes from where the job is. Tara doesn’t have her licence at this stage, so we don’t want to live in the really small town. Eventually the driving every day gets too much, both time wise and cost wise and we buy a house in Buchan – Tara is a apprehensive about this but agrees to it because she is worried about me driving so much each day.
We buy the house, it is an old house but we make it our own. The arguing still continues, and stupidly I continue with the name calling. When we first move in I go to the local pub a few times (as it is right next door) and get accused of being an alcoholic, so I give up and spend all my nights at home with Tara and the kids We live in this house for about 2.5 years. During this time Frazer starts school. The arguing gets progressively worse and we are starting to grow apart sexually. We rarely are having sex and when we do its just a matter of going through the motions. Neither of us particularly like the town (due to its isolation, 45 mins from the nearest supermarket) so I start looking for another job. I get offered one on the other side of the state as Lab Coordinator for a dairy company. When I resign from my job my boss is visibly upset then excuses himself and drives off. He returns 15 mins later and tells me to expect a phone call shortly from Graeme (the regional manager). He rings and asks why I want to leave and I explain about the isolation, so he agrees to open up a new role at one of their bigger sites in a bigger town which I agree to take. So we leave Buchan for a town about 2 hours closer to where we were from originally called Traralgon. The house in Buchan is on the market.
Sexually in Traralgon things improve a lot, we begin trying things neither of us have done much of. Our sex life improves a lot. During this time, money is very tight as we are paying 2 mortgages and renting the house in Traralgon to live in. I am keeping a close on eye on spending coz money is so tight, I have always been in charge of the money (paying the bills etc). We are in Traralgon for about 10 months and I see a good job back in Bendigo that I apply for, and then about 2 days after applying for that my grandfather passes away. He was ready to go and wanted to be with my nanna but everyone is of course very saddened.
I get an interview about a week after the funeral for the job back in Bendigo, which I am successful in getting. We give notice on the tenant in our house to vacate within 4 weeks. We move back and find he has trashed the house and the real estate agency doesn’t care and refusing to do anything to fix most of the damage.
I start my new job on the Monday and then on the Wednesday morning I wake up to see about 15 missed calls from my sister on my phone and on Tara’s. I ring her back and she tells me my 25yo cousin has had a heart attack, is on life support and is not going to make it. I race to the hospital to see him unconscious with life support machines breathing for him. I say goodbye try to do what I can for my cousins (his brother and sister) and his mum and dad but what can I do? They switch the life support off a few hours later. His funeral is horrible, he was so young and fit (they found out later he had a tumor that was never diagnosed). And 6 weeks after he was a pallbearer with me and my grandfather's funeral, I am a pallbearer at his. His death sits with me for a long time. But I get into the swing of my new job. About 4 months into the new job the house in Buchan finally sells. We take a bit of a loss, but as the loan was secured against our other house, we actually end up with some money in the bank (but also a loan still sitting there to be repaid). Around this time Tara begins to work for the first time in our relationship as the older 2 kids are at school and Brooklyn is only a few months away from school, so she takes a job working evenings. At about this time she began to take over the money situation. Tara opens a savings account in her name and transfers the money from the sale into it and we continue to add to it. Over the next 6 months or so it builds up quite considerably and we start looking for a bigger house. We are pre approved by the bank for an amount so start looking at houses in that range. We find one we like, make offer which is accepted and then the agent leaves the company, no one contacts us for weeks and we see it as an omen and back out of the sale. We then find another place we like, make offer, its accepted and we organise building inspection which fails (house had been undercut by mining in the area and it was starting to sink). We eventually find another place we like, make offer, passes building inspection so we go back to bank to finalize the finances. This is rejected because our savings money hadn’t shown growth over 6 months, a large amount went in and then yeah. They are very apologetic, pay our legal fees and building inspector fee for the house, so we stop looking and start saving again for 6 months to show the growth.
During this time the arguing gets worse, and I am coming home from work most days grumpy and miserable. Tara gives me the ultimatum of we aren’t going to work unless I get a new job. My job was stressful, but I liked it, I was good at it, my as I loved Tara and the kids, I began looking for a new job.
After a while of looking I get offered a role with an abattoir in Melbourne. This creates a logistical problem, as I had a company car with my last job and the new one doesn’t have one so we are down to 1 car (and it is old and we decide to replace it as well). So we start looking for cars and end up running into problems (cars not passing pre purchase inspections, dealers stuffing us around) and by the time the job starts we still only have 1 car. At this time the fighting between me and Tara has gotten really bad. My moods are swinging violently from happy to angry to crying without warning. The issues with car dealers continue, so we are stuck with 1 car still. The new job is also not going all that well, it is not what I expected it to be, my new boss made several inappropriate comments about my weight and it was made clear to me I was expected to lie to the EPA and the water board about the company's practices. I check with Tara that we have enough in savings (the savings are in her name and I cant see it) for me to resign and be out of work for a little while. She confirmed that definitely yes, we had the money for me to do that, so I resign from the new role and start looking again.
The arguing and fighting gets really bad. I become as bad as I’ve been with name calling and I even do it to my children (I am ashamed of what I did looking back on it now). Stuff begins to get physical between me and Tara. One day during a big fight I attempt to leave, and she grabs me and pulls me away from the door and I twist my knee. I see a doctor about it a few days later and am diagnosed with a tear in the PCL. It is still giving me trouble now 6 months later. One day in another fight, Tara slaps me across the face, and without thinking I react by slapping her back. This is the first time I have physically touched her in a fight. The fighting continues for another few weeks, I am becoming worse and worse with my moods, being out of work makes it worse as I have never been unemployed. During this time I lost my bank card so Tara rang and canceled it for me and reordered a new one but it never arrives.
Anyways this continues for another few weeks, and one day I get in the car and leave. I only get about 15 minutes down the road and turn around and come back. When I get back she has bags packed for her and kids and has rung her dad to come and get her. I try to apologise but its no good she says she is going for the night and will come back tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and she says she doesn’t want to come back and I should go to my mums. At this stage, I have no money at all – the joint account where all my money went is now empty, Tara is still working so her pay is going into an account with just her name and the savings is in her name. So I have no choice but to go to my mums. I spend the night at mums and she recognises the signs of depression and takes me to a GP the next morning. He prescribes PRISTIQ to me, but wont listen when I try to talk he is just interested in medicating me. So I begin to take the tablets. The same day, Tara comes to mums in her brothers car, with Frazer to stay with me for a few days (it is school holidays at this time). She stays the night at mums and we end up kissing and fooling around a bit, but the next morning she seems to regret doing that is quite cold to me and leaves me with about $50 and goes back to her mums. I am expecting to take Frazer down to her a few days later. He ends up staying nearly 2 weeks with me at mums over the school holidays, during which time I hardly speak with Tara, she doesn’t answer many of my texts, doesn’t answer her phone or anything. Come the end of that 2 weeks, we decide we are done in Melbourne, as I wasn’t working, she wasn’t liking her job as she was being subjected to reverse racism and had organised to go back to her old job in Bendigo. So on the last day of the holidays, me and Frazer drive down to her mums pick her and the girls up and drive over to the house to get our stuff, clean up and meet the movers.
We come back to Bendigo, and talk on the way up and she suggests that it might be best for me to keep staying with mums at nights, except on the nights she was working where I would stay over to watch the kids, until things worked out. The power company stuffed up reconnecting our electricity, so she couldn’t go back into the house and stayed at my mums for a few days – my mum is in hospital at this stage having a foot operation so we have the house basically to ourselves. We reconnect sexually over those few days, and stupidly I just move straight back in with her full time.
Things are good for the next 2 to 3 weeks, I go back to the doctor, he still doesn’t want to listen to me, but ups my dosage of pristiq from 25mg to 50mg. Things are OK but the arguing starts back again a little but not too bad, Tara says she doesn’t think the Pristiq is making much difference so I stop taking it cold turkey. I know I know, stupid right?
Its at this point things start going really wrong, we still only have 1 car after being stuffed around by numerous car dealers. I accuse Tara several times of the money not being there, that’s she spent it, she keeps saying its there but doesn’t show any proof. We finally go to a new bank and open joint accounts (access account, savings, plus accounts for all 3 of the kids). After another car deal goes bad and they are refunding our money, Tara gives them the details of the new bank account. The next day she also goes to the old bank and over the counter transfers the rest of our savings into the new account.
Things continue to go bad, the new bank says there is a problem with our accounts and they cant get the money to clear. They can see it from their side but we cant access it. This goes on for nearly a month before we get the financial services ombudsman involved. The only proof all this time I have seen of the money is one day she comes home with a print out , that the teller gave her from her screen that showed all the money in our available funds but our balance was zero. But the money was there at least. During this time I am offered a job as Technical Manager for a dried fruits company in a town about 4 hours away. The plan was for me to live there during the week and come back on weekends until I decided I really liked the job and then Tara and kids would move up. But due to this money issue and still only have 1 car and not being able to access any money, I have to turn the job down.
So anyway the ombudsman gets involved, orders the new bank to transfer the money back to our old bank and to pay us some compensation money. Tara tells me she has given them the joint account details. I get offered another interview for a really good job in another state, a $100,000 a year job, but have to fly down and need to organise a hire car when I get there. So I ask if the money really is in the joint account and she says it is but I go to log into net banking just to make sure and as I do this she rips the laptop from me and says I'm calling her a liar and stuff and walks off. I then go to use my phone to log into net banking and which point she walks back in, sees what I am doing and confesses she had the money put back into her account because she was still pissed off at me and is using the money to control me coz she is pissed off over all of the name calling throughout the whole relationship. So I have to cancel that job interview
During this time, the fighting is starting to get worse and worse. The name calling has started again. I am feeling trapped in the house, because I have access to NO MONEY meaning I cant even go to the supermarket or anything. I feel like a hermit. This is making my mood swings worse, and she is refusing the transfer the money back to both names because I keep calling her names. Its a vicious circle
During this time, we are having a lot of debt collectors chasing us, and she keeps telling me that she has paid the bills, she speaks to them and says its all good until another notice arrives. Anyways one debt she says was taken care of, that we didn’t even owe the money to begin with (which seems right I cant see why we would owe it) she says she has spoken to the debt collecting company and our names are removed from the system. Then one day a knock on the door saying we are being summonsed to court to explain why we haven’t paid it.
The fighting has gotten really bad at this point, and she has started on the name calling as well. One day during a particularly bad argument I walk off to the computer to cool off and she comes in and I say something and she looks and me and says “oh boo hoo” and I hurt her. I immediately try to apologise but she wont listen. This was idiotic of me, but I cant take it back. She asks me to go to mums for a night which I do. When I come back things are bad, she will barely come near me. This goes on for 3 or 4 weeks slowly getting better until we finally reconnect again. The sex is great for a few weeks after not going near each other for 4 weeks. This lasts for a few weeks and goes downhill again back to arguing fairly frequently.
During this time, one morning while I folding washing, DHS Child Protective Services knock on the door to chat with me and Tara, but Tara is at the doctors. She tells me there has been reports about the kids but wont be anymore forthcoming. She has some stories that are completely untrue, the only one that is true is that I had grabbed Frazer on the wrist when he grabbed my wallet one day trying to aggravate me. We talk for a while and she brings up anger management and I tell her its something I'ive often considered doing so she leaves some information and asks Tara to call her to set up and appointment to see her. Tara goes in to see her the next day and comes home to tell me shes been told if I don’t do the anger management thing she would have to leave me. So I call the anger management people, speak with them for nearly an hour and they set up and appointment on December 16th for my assessment to see if I'm suitable for the group.
During this time my birthday happens, but its at the time where the banks are stuffing us around with money so I say just get me something when it sorts itself out. My mum gives her some money to put towards my present. I collect basketball cards so we were going to get me a box or 2 of cards. Anyways the money gets sorted and she stuffs around for 2 or 3 weeks before ordering them, and then wont let me see the order coz she wants me to be surprised. Anyways the order goes through and then Australia post stuffs around, not delivering the parcel. So she contacts the seller and he resend and claims lost mail through aust post for the first time. This time he sends with a courier and again it doesn’t get delivered, so Tara goes down to their office to collect after being told to. When she gets there the guy refuses to release it coz we don’t have a slip (they never attempted delivery) and he says he doesn’t believe her license photo matches her so wont release the parcel. Eventually Tara calls the police down to confirm her identity, and they take the parcel in as “lost property” and we can collect the next day. A few more days passes and we still don’t have the parcel.
Then the day when I ruined my whole world. It is Thursday 5th of December. The previous day Tara had worked during the day and I was in extreme pain all day, so I organised for my mum to pick the kids up from school as I knew Tara was going to have to take me to the hospital when she got home. So we do that and end up at the hospital for a few hours, and I am diagnosed with a kidney stone. She was very caring for me this night, sat with me the whole time at the hospital. Anyway come the next day (the Thursday) she goes out on a few errands throughout the day and each time she came home she had forgotten to go to the police station to collect my parcel so we end up arguing about that. After picking the kids up she goes out again, and comes home with dinner, Pizza which I don’t eat and again has forgotten the parcel.
The arguing gets really intense and eventually I call my mother to ask if I can come there as Tara didn’t want me at the house. Tara yells at that is bullshit she never told me to leave and mum cant come as she has just taken a strong pain killer and cant drive. So when I go to get my keys to take the car, Tara takes my car key off my keyring so I cant take the car. The arguing gets worse and the name calling is very bad from me. She goes off to the bedroom to get away from me and instead of leaving her along I follow her. She ignores me and I get angry and get a water spray bottle that was sitting on the desk and squirt her with water and she still ignores, after that we got physically violent. During the argument I said some horrible things to her called her disgusting names and even brought up the fact she had a termination before we got together and threw it in her face. During the argument, my son Frazer was poking at me trying to aggravate me, and I called him some horrible names and pushed him away.
After she got the keys back everything sort of fizzled out and she took the kids down to bed. A little while later I came out to where she was preparing the couch to sleep on for the night and apologized, which is unusual for me, I don’t normally apologise. She helped me change the sheets on the bed as they had gotten wet when I squirted her and my hand was very sore and I couldn’t do it. I asked her to sleep in the bed with me instead of the couch. She told me was still angry but if she was still awake in an hour she would come in.
I wake up the next morning (Friday) without her in the bed so I get up and make the kids school lunches, get their uniforms ready and then wake her up. Nothing much is said, except I pulled Frazer aside, gave him a big hug and told him how sorry I was for last night.
Tara leaves to take kids to school, and she has an appointment with DHS after that. It gets to midday and she hasn’t come home so I start sending her texts and trying to call her to make sure she is OK. I get no response. So I change my number to private and call her again and she answers, I say hello and she hangs up. Then about 15 minutes later the police arrive at the house with an Intervention Order and tell me I have to leave the house and to get some clothes together. I ring mum to come and collect me and ask the police to make contact with Tara to ask what I could take and she was OK with me taking the computer, my TV and play station. Mum arrives and takes me to her house. She shows me a text message Tara sent her just before I rang saying “can you get Mathew, DHS are making me take out an Intervention Order”
I read over what the police had handed me. There is a temporary intervention order preventing me from going to my house, from contacting Tara in any form etc. And there is a request for a full intervention order, with her and the kids listed preventing me from seeing or contacting them or anything, which is to be heard by a magistrate on the 21st of January
I am now left at my mums (a house where I cant feel comfortable), with no money (literally none), no car (she still has this even though it is registered to me), no kids and no partner. I am having feelings of worthlessness (which I have had on and off for quite a while) and have suicidal thoughts (which I have also had on and off for quite a while – but had always talked myself out of it because of Tara and the kids)
It hits me really hard – I don’t eat a thing for about 4 days. Mum drags me to the GP on the Monday who once again diagnoses depression but is more willing to listen to me this time and prescribes Mirtazapine after I told him that Pristiq didn’t seem to work. But he also prepares a mental health plan for me and refers me to a psychologist, which I now think I should have seen years ago.
I begin taking the medication and see the psychologist a few days later. I get a lot of stuff off my chest and explain to her about the feelings of worthlessness and suicidal thoughts. I tell her a lot of everything that I have written here over 2 sessions so far, and I think she is seeing not only depression but also anxiety disorder
A few days later I get 2 calls for job interviews. But my suit and tie and stuff is at the house, so we call the police to organise to go and collect. The police tell me to come down to the station and they will escort me to the house, but I tell them I don’t want to go it will just upset me more and could my mum go. They say that’s fine and ring Tara to organise a time which she gives them so mum goes to get my stuff. When she gets back she told me Tara had told her she didn’t want to do this, DHS made her and that as long as “i get my shit together” by 21st January then this will all go away and everything will go back to normal. She also told her she got in trouble for sending the text message to mum saying DHS made her do it. She also told her she had sorted the money out and how did I want my share of it, as I was left with nothing, and wouldn’t even be able to buy the kids anything for Christmas. Mum tells her to get me a cheque and she says OK It has been over a week since then and still no money from her, I've had to borrow from my dad and sister to be able to get the kids something
Since then my mum and me have met with the woman from DHS, she told us she suggested to Tara to get the Intervention order, but acted surprised when we told her the kids were on the full application. She also told us as far as child protection is concerned, the case is closed
I got one of the jobs and am due to start on the 6th of January. This job is in Melbourne and am planning to stay with my dad during the week and come back to Bendigo on weekends to see the kids
So since it all happened I have
Been to a GP and been diagnosed with depression and put on Mirtazapine'
Been to a psychologist twice (and have 2 more appointments before the Intervention order goes to court
Been to my assessment for the anger management program and have been told I can do the group as soon as they have an opening
Have downloaded a lot of anger management stuff from “Mensline” and started working through all their suggestions
Have got a new job and will be 2 weeks in at the time of the court hearing
I am just so scared that I have lost everything that means anything to me. Tara and the kids are my whole world, and I feel completely and utterly lost without them. They were my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I am still completely and utterly in love with Tara, and I cant even think about being with someone else. She has gained a lot of weight since we got together but in my eyes is still the most beautiful woman alive. The kids are my whole world and the few times I’ve seen them since all this happened is the only times I’ve smiled and been happy since it all happened.
I’m absolutely terrified of Christmas morning – I have NEVER been away from the kids on Christmas morning. I don’t know how I'm going to handle it. It took me 3 times to go out Christmas shopping before I could get it done without breaking down. I have never had to shop for them without Tara. And when I finally gout it done and got home, I completely lost it and broke down crying. Even now I’m trying to get the strength together to wrap the presents but I cant
If I lose the kids at the court hearing and not be able to see them I don’t think I will be able to ignore the suicidal thoughts anymore. Having them has given me strength to get by so far and losing them will kill me inside
Despite everything, I still want to be with Tara. Everyone is telling me I shouldn’t but I cant help how I feel, she is my everything and I will always love and never want to be with someone else.
My Story - Warning Very Long (Triggering Material)
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
My advice....it appears that Tara means a lot to you...if you feel this strongly..pursue it! I see, like myself...you have been thru A LOT! I can relate on many levels to the pain and inferiority which you feel...it was brought on by others and this is so unfair!
I continue to strugle with unresolved issues of my past as well...."professional" help has never worked...tried 21 of them! BUT...the great news is..this forum has many who can relate to us! Just as I am relating to you now. See...a "professional" just say there with me...and THEN...instead of offering me solutions...ALL of them tried to steer me away from my problems and focus on something else????
This never made sense and it never worked!
However, the good part of "profesional" help is this: if you can, an don't mind...get on some meds! I know they can not make our problems magically "disappear" but they do make them more tolerable for even a few moments...so it is worth it!
Hang in there...press forward...and message me anytime...I am here to help!
I continue to strugle with unresolved issues of my past as well...."professional" help has never worked...tried 21 of them! BUT...the great news is..this forum has many who can relate to us! Just as I am relating to you now. See...a "professional" just say there with me...and THEN...instead of offering me solutions...ALL of them tried to steer me away from my problems and focus on something else????
This never made sense and it never worked!
However, the good part of "profesional" help is this: if you can, an don't mind...get on some meds! I know they can not make our problems magically "disappear" but they do make them more tolerable for even a few moments...so it is worth it!
Hang in there...press forward...and message me anytime...I am here to help!
Thanks for the reply
You are right, Tara does mean everything to me - I will be absolutely shattered if i lose her
I am open minded to professional help - i have never spoken to a professional up until about 2 weeks ago and ive never really tried medication properly either. I have been on anti depressants for about 2 weeks, im told they can take up to 6 weeks to really start working so i hope like hell they work
You are right, Tara does mean everything to me - I will be absolutely shattered if i lose her
I am open minded to professional help - i have never spoken to a professional up until about 2 weeks ago and ive never really tried medication properly either. I have been on anti depressants for about 2 weeks, im told they can take up to 6 weeks to really start working so i hope like hell they work
Hi Matty,
What I noticed is your love for Tara is unconditional, you have been through so many ups and downs together and have always worked as a team. You may fight a lot but your love for each other will always bring you back together.
I know that you are worried about being away from your wife and kids this Christmas but think about it this way. You have some personal issues which you need to deal with and now is a great time to focus on them without the drama and fighting going on in the background. Don't waste this opportunity, really sort yourself out, for the sake of your wife, kids and not forgetting your mum who sounds like she has helped you out so much. If you do this properly it will make life better for those that you love. Would probably cut down the amount of arguing, physical fights, hurting your kids (they are young and sensitive, you really need to set a good example) and also stop becoming a problem for your mum. She has been through a lot, the amount of times you mentioned her in your post, I'm surprised she is not fed up but she always helps you out. She is getting old now, she should be able to rely on you and not always the other way around.
I personally don't think you are bad, you support your family and love them dearly. We all have times when we are stressed and just want to lash out, when I feel like that I just switch off and walk away before I say or do something I will regret. Come back when you have cooled off and there you have just avoided a massive fight! I believe you are a good person, you just need to learn to cope with your issues and not take it out on those around you. Become a better person, a better husband, a better father, a better son to your family. See this as a gift to them, a New You..
I am glad you are being open minded and accepting help from others and going to the GP. This is a step in the right direction, it will take time but don't give up! Your wife and kids might not be around for Christmas but don't forget your own family (mum and dad) as well, they deserve your love and attention this Christmas.
I wish you all the best, stay positive and focus on what you need to do x
What I noticed is your love for Tara is unconditional, you have been through so many ups and downs together and have always worked as a team. You may fight a lot but your love for each other will always bring you back together.
I know that you are worried about being away from your wife and kids this Christmas but think about it this way. You have some personal issues which you need to deal with and now is a great time to focus on them without the drama and fighting going on in the background. Don't waste this opportunity, really sort yourself out, for the sake of your wife, kids and not forgetting your mum who sounds like she has helped you out so much. If you do this properly it will make life better for those that you love. Would probably cut down the amount of arguing, physical fights, hurting your kids (they are young and sensitive, you really need to set a good example) and also stop becoming a problem for your mum. She has been through a lot, the amount of times you mentioned her in your post, I'm surprised she is not fed up but she always helps you out. She is getting old now, she should be able to rely on you and not always the other way around.
I personally don't think you are bad, you support your family and love them dearly. We all have times when we are stressed and just want to lash out, when I feel like that I just switch off and walk away before I say or do something I will regret. Come back when you have cooled off and there you have just avoided a massive fight! I believe you are a good person, you just need to learn to cope with your issues and not take it out on those around you. Become a better person, a better husband, a better father, a better son to your family. See this as a gift to them, a New You..
I am glad you are being open minded and accepting help from others and going to the GP. This is a step in the right direction, it will take time but don't give up! Your wife and kids might not be around for Christmas but don't forget your own family (mum and dad) as well, they deserve your love and attention this Christmas.
I wish you all the best, stay positive and focus on what you need to do x
CrazyLady17 wrote:Wow.
Long story. But well done for posting it!
You've been through an awful lot.
You are so strong and brave.
(((Hugs)))
Thanks for the kind words, but i dont see myself as strong or brave.
I feel really weak at the minute to be totally honest - struggling day to day to keep myself together
Ieris wrote:Hi Matty,
What I noticed is your love for Tara is unconditional, you have been through so many ups and downs together and have always worked as a team. You may fight a lot but your love for each other will always bring you back together.
I know that you are worried about being away from your wife and kids this Christmas but think about it this way. You have some personal issues which you need to deal with and now is a great time to focus on them without the drama and fighting going on in the background. Don't waste this opportunity, really sort yourself out, for the sake of your wife, kids and not forgetting your mum who sounds like she has helped you out so much. If you do this properly it will make life better for those that you love. Would probably cut down the amount of arguing, physical fights, hurting your kids (they are young and sensitive, you really need to set a good example) and also stop becoming a problem for your mum. She has been through a lot, the amount of times you mentioned her in your post, I'm surprised she is not fed up but she always helps you out. She is getting old now, she should be able to rely on you and not always the other way around.
I personally don't think you are bad, you support your family and love them dearly. We all have times when we are stressed and just want to lash out, when I feel like that I just switch off and walk away before I say or do something I will regret. Come back when you have cooled off and there you have just avoided a massive fight! I believe you are a good person, you just need to learn to cope with your issues and not take it out on those around you. Become a better person, a better husband, a better father, a better son to your family. See this as a gift to them, a New You..
I am glad you are being open minded and accepting help from others and going to the GP. This is a step in the right direction, it will take time but don't give up! Your wife and kids might not be around for Christmas but don't forget your own family (mum and dad) as well, they deserve your love and attention this Christmas.
I wish you all the best, stay positive and focus on what you need to do x
Thank you for your honesty
You are right - my love for Tara is unconditional - she is my everything. Im just worried that us being separated at the minute she will realise she is better off without me, that she will find someone better - my self worth is shot and i cant see why she would take me back after all this
I am trying to become a better person for them, i am doing everything i can think of (Psychologist, Medication, Anger Management) It is just hurting me being away from them. I should have done something about this sooner, the signs were there i needed help but i was too proud to ask for help - i was stupid
Christmas has always been a big deal with my family, and it has become more important to me since becoming a father, not being with the kids on christmas morning seeing them open their presents is going to break my heart
You are right, im lucky to have such a great mum - she has been great through this situation both emotionally and financially. Im not a total leech though, I have done a lot for her that i didnt include in my story (after my nanna died i gave her a lot of support, helped her with her shopping and stuff as she had a bit of a breakdown)
I am accepting help from anyone who is willing to help me at the minute - i know i have issues and i want to be a better person for Tara and for my kids
Thank you once again
I know the feeling, it's like a boyfriend saying to me lets take a break but knowing that its going to lead to a break up. But yours is so much more worse because you've been through so much and been together for so long that she has become a part of you.
Try not to be so paranoid and negative. You may have made mistakes but now you are trying to correct them and be a better person. I am not going to sugar coat things and say everything is going to be fine because I don't know. Regardless of what happens if you sort yourself out anyway you put yourself in a better position to win her over. The quote "you never know what you have until you lose it" comes to mind. I hope realising this has made you think about what kind of partner you want to be, and what kind of father you want to be.
You have spent so many years, focused on her, your kids, your job, your home, I don't hear anything about you. So many men want to take a break from it all once in a while but you don't seem like that kind. I don't think taking a break is a bad thing, you get to focus on yourself for a while, either to relax, take a breather, address your problems etc. Make use of this time and learn more about yourself.
I know there's not much I can say to make you feel better as I know 1 day can seem like eternity but don't starve yourself and be miserable. That will only make things worse, if you fill the day with activities, go to work, do something to take your mind of things then the days will go by quicker.
*big hug*
You will make it through, just keep your eye on the ball x
Try not to be so paranoid and negative. You may have made mistakes but now you are trying to correct them and be a better person. I am not going to sugar coat things and say everything is going to be fine because I don't know. Regardless of what happens if you sort yourself out anyway you put yourself in a better position to win her over. The quote "you never know what you have until you lose it" comes to mind. I hope realising this has made you think about what kind of partner you want to be, and what kind of father you want to be.
You have spent so many years, focused on her, your kids, your job, your home, I don't hear anything about you. So many men want to take a break from it all once in a while but you don't seem like that kind. I don't think taking a break is a bad thing, you get to focus on yourself for a while, either to relax, take a breather, address your problems etc. Make use of this time and learn more about yourself.
I know there's not much I can say to make you feel better as I know 1 day can seem like eternity but don't starve yourself and be miserable. That will only make things worse, if you fill the day with activities, go to work, do something to take your mind of things then the days will go by quicker.
*big hug*
You will make it through, just keep your eye on the ball x
Thanks once again for commenting Ieris
My psychologist has said the same thing, try to do "pleasure activities" each day to help get my mind off it...But I cant
I am (was?) a keen amateur photographer - I have 1000s of photos that need editing and uploading to my website, but I try to sit there and do it and i cant. Something in my brain tells me i shouldnt be doing this while all this is going on. I try each day but i cant
The only thing that is sort of helping me at the minute is writing - which is weird because i have never enjoyed writing before - im going to post some of the stuff i have written shortly
CrazyLady - I hope I do, but tomorrow (Christmas) really scares me, how am i going to deal with it. To make it worse, mum has invited the family to her house (where im staying) for lunch so i cant even go and hide. Seeing my sister and her husband with my nephews will hurt. Im trying to be strong, but its hard
My psychologist has said the same thing, try to do "pleasure activities" each day to help get my mind off it...But I cant
I am (was?) a keen amateur photographer - I have 1000s of photos that need editing and uploading to my website, but I try to sit there and do it and i cant. Something in my brain tells me i shouldnt be doing this while all this is going on. I try each day but i cant
The only thing that is sort of helping me at the minute is writing - which is weird because i have never enjoyed writing before - im going to post some of the stuff i have written shortly
CrazyLady - I hope I do, but tomorrow (Christmas) really scares me, how am i going to deal with it. To make it worse, mum has invited the family to her house (where im staying) for lunch so i cant even go and hide. Seeing my sister and her husband with my nephews will hurt. Im trying to be strong, but its hard
No problem, I also do photography so know the feeling of weeding through 1000s of photos, hardly pleasurable! Editing can take up so much time and can become a chore but its nice to look at the final piece after all the hard work. Can even print and frame them to put up in your own home, it is always nice to surround yourself with your achievements. What type of photography do you do? I would love to see some of your work! 
Glad to hear that writing is helping you, it's great to put your thoughts onto paper. Look forward to reading it. Reminds me how I need to start writing this story that has been in my head for so long, I have been slacking but I know when I start I won't want to stop so just do what you enjoy, try some new things and it is great to have something to turn to when you need to escape.
There is no need to hide, they are your family, it may bring some uncomfortable thoughts up but learn to be strong. Divert your attention elsewhere, maybe you can be responsible for taking pictures?
But if you really want to be away from it all and don't want to have a breakdown in front of them then you can always go for a walk, find something else to do. Whatever you feel like, you have a choice, just do what is best for you *hugs*
Glad to hear that writing is helping you, it's great to put your thoughts onto paper. Look forward to reading it. Reminds me how I need to start writing this story that has been in my head for so long, I have been slacking but I know when I start I won't want to stop
so just do what you enjoy, try some new things and it is great to have something to turn to when you need to escape.
There is no need to hide, they are your family, it may bring some uncomfortable thoughts up but learn to be strong. Divert your attention elsewhere, maybe you can be responsible for taking pictures?
But if you really want to be away from it all and don't want to have a breakdown in front of them then you can always go for a walk, find something else to do. Whatever you feel like, you have a choice, just do what is best for you *hugs*
Ieris wrote:No problem, I also do photography so know the feeling of weeding through 1000s of photos, hardly pleasurable! Editing can take up so much time and can become a chore but its nice to look at the final piece after all the hard work. Can even print and frame them to put up in your own home, it is always nice to surround yourself with your achievements. What type of photography do you do? I would love to see some of your work!
Glad to hear that writing is helping you, it's great to put your thoughts onto paper. Look forward to reading it. Reminds me how I need to start writing this story that has been in my head for so long, I have been slacking but I know when I start I won't want to stop
There is no need to hide, they are your family, it may bring some uncomfortable thoughts up but learn to be strong. Divert your attention elsewhere, maybe you can be responsible for taking pictures?
But if you really want to be away from it all and don't want to have a breakdown in front of them then you can always go for a walk, find something else to do. Whatever you feel like, you have a choice, just do what is best for you *hugs*
Youre right - its not exactly pleasurable, but i dont even want to go out and take photos which i did find pleasurable. I have my PS3 here which i used to enjoy playing sometimes, ive got no interest in that
I mostly do sports, but used to do quite a lot of landscapes and birds - they are in the stuff needing editing though
http://pbase.com/mattyjsmith is where most of my work is also some at http://mattyj.org
Writing is helping..as much as anything can - i have posted some of my stuff in the dealing with depression forum
I know i shouldnt hide but i feel at some point i am going to break down and i'd prefer it if there wasnt a lot of people here. especially my aunty and uncle who are still dealing with the loss of my cousin 2 years ago - i dont want to be crying over my trivial stuff when they are dealing with something so much bigger
Thanks again for your response
just when i thought christmas couldnt get any worse
tara just sent a message to my mum saying shes dropping kids off at 5:30 tomorrow night and picking them up at 6:30 in the morning i at least thought i would have them boxing day
and when i asked for them for a few days she says maybe over new year...maybe
shes trying to take them out of my life...she sees me as worthless, not that i blame her
i cant stop crying
i feel like dying
whats the point?
tara just sent a message to my mum saying shes dropping kids off at 5:30 tomorrow night and picking them up at 6:30 in the morning i at least thought i would have them boxing day
and when i asked for them for a few days she says maybe over new year...maybe
shes trying to take them out of my life...she sees me as worthless, not that i blame her
i cant stop crying
i feel like dying
whats the point?
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