My Journal (Triggering Material)

[CrazyLady17]

Well that was eventful..... Having two policemen at the door asking for me and then going down to the police station to make a statement about something, hmm ops! Was so scared and so upset, now back home and feel so restless and stressed out! Can't seem to relax and can't stop crying and can't stop screaming in my pillow. Feel like seriously harming myself, but trying to stay well away from that tonight and trying to stay strong and distract myself(not going well). But am going to watch a Christmas movie in bed with a hot chocolate and eat some chocolate and hopefully that'll get me relaxed and distracted from all my bad bad thoughts I'm having right now.
Sounds like a good plan to me eh?

Thinking back to last week and actually thinking I have come a long way already and become a lot more stronger than I was like a few weeks ago. I hope I can see more positive things happening as the days and weeks go by.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well I was rushed back into the hospital this morning around 5am- due to again server stomach cramps and loosing blood when I am not suppose to as I am pregnant with the other twin still. Waiting on some blood tests and I have to stay in the hospital for a few hours, argh hate hospitals and they make me feel so depressed even more.
They are very concerned and think I could be miscarrying again(hopefully I am not)!!
Sat up on the bed, waiting and waiting and very bored and drained, but can't sleep as I am too scared and too worried to sleep.
Feeling quite anxious and panicky right now and feel like crying, but trying to stay strong and stay positive... But that's not working

Need some words of wisdom and some hugs/support.

Thank you for listening.

[4EverMe]

Hope for the best, but no matter what happens, know that we're here for you.

About journaling, I think it's a great idea! I don't think you have to worry about others not reading it. It may be considered 'personal,' but since you've put it out there to be read, that is giving public permission for others to read and follow it. You can also print it all out later (or as you're going along) and have it to place in a special notebook. I think it's a great idea! Wish I had considered that option myself, but to do so now would be like copying your idea. I don't know...

If it helps, just know that some things happen that you cannot change, although sad. Don't play
Judge, jury and executioner with yourself. It doesn't change things, nor help you in any way at all, okay? Please don't read that sentence only to soon forget it. You need to take those words and bury them in your mind and heart. It is probably one of the best pieces if advice anyone could give you. So, I repeat: Do not play judge, jury and executioner with yourself. It does not help one iota, and will only make things more miserable for you. There are things that happen that you cannot change, have no control over, and cannot be used to blame yourself over. This goes for everyone of us. Stop claiming responsibility for things that happen that you are unable to help- I say these things lovingly. But, you need to separate between what you are responsible for and what you are not. If you can do this in general, you will notice a great reduction in stress. Self-blaming will get you no where but utterly miserable. I think I don't need to tell you that, because you have been dealing with that misery. And what is the main cause? Self blame...
If you're used to doing this, it might take a little time to break free of it. You'll need to remember to reason with yourself, each time you notice yourself beginning to do it. (talk about a vicious cycle) Don't let it destroy you.

[CrazyLady17]

Aww thank you, that means the world to me it really really does honestly!! Aww made me smile too and also brought a little tear to my eye as well... Don't know why, ah well!

Yes I know, well yes it maybe personal to some people, but like you have said I have put it on this site and I want everyone to read and follow my jounery way through all this hurt, suffering and my depression. I find it helps me and brings me some sort of comfort.
Thank you! I don't mind if you want to steal my idea honestly.

Hmm... I will try and try and keep on trying, but I keep on failing and I have nobody to catch me when I fall and it hurts me even more then, as I am trying to cope with everything all on my own and I can't do it! I haven't got the strength to carry on fighting on my own anymore. It's sad I know!
The circle eh? Well.... That's already broken and taken over, I feel so trapped in that circle and see no way out!

[CrazyLady17]

Still in the hospital(am using phone to be on here as I am so bored aha)! Anyway...
Got to stay in hospital for a few days or whatever till I'm better and well enough to go home, argh. Hate hospitals with a total passion! Blah it sucks big time argh!
So found out I have a blood clot and need to have sol treatment for it and also if I carry on loosing blood like I have been doing I have been told I could possibly miscarry this twin too. So I am preparing for the good or bad right now... Thankfully I am in a room on my own so I can have a good cry to myself and just think... (Do that a lot anyway)

Been praying today too(for the very first time) and quite proud of myself for that!
Just now hoping god can help me and heal me and not let this baby die, it's my world. I can't loose something else, it'll be the end for me it really would!
Been crying a lot today and been in such pain ouch
Just wanting a good scream but can't. It sucks.
I feel so low and depressed, and being in hospital and poorly doesn't help the way I feel right now.

Hugs are needed. And prays. Please.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Nothing seems to be going right this week... I was just about getting myself a little better and BOOM!! Something triggers my bad thoughts off again and now this stupid blood clot and miscarrying one of the twins and now stuck in hospital argh! Can it get any worse? Oh wait, yes it can!
Top everything off my parents came to visit earlier on and told they don't want anything to do with me anymore and I'm such a disappointment to the family. Oh wow, so hurtful and painful hearing them words from my own parents! Made me cry and still crying a little now.

Feel back at square one again, feeling at my damn lowest and feeling so suicidal and distressed. No wonder I'm so messed up and no wonder I miscarried I'm so stressed out and can't relax it's horrible.

This isn't fair anymore.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Just realised I have wrote in this today ops... Actually not really been on all day hmm...
Well today hasn't been one the greatest days ever, still stuck in the hospital and still suffering from a blood clot and still waiting and wondering of I'll actually miscarry this twin as well.. Just lying in this bed feeling so sorry for myself and feeling so so lonely, had no visitors and feel quite upset and get by that. Oh wow!
Feel quite low today and actually been asleep for most of today(which is kin of an improvement) but also happy I slept and don't feel so drained anymore(good thing) I suppose.

Just wanting to go home now and for everything to be "okay", I'm sick and tired of putting on a total "front" and telling everyone I'm "fine", wen reallyi am dying inside and hurting and suffering a lot.

Thank you for listening.

[4EverMe]

I know how it feels- to be separated from your parents as a teenager. I was 15. VERY painful, I know....
Am SO sorry, Abbie.

But, at the least, I hope you know that you haven't totally been alone lately- as in having no one here for you.

[CrazyLady17]

Aww I'm sorry to hear that.. what happened?(don't have to say of course)!
Hmm... It sucks rotten eggs believe me, hate the fact I was kicked out by my parents and they havent been bothered to contact me since, feeling the love from them. NOT!

Thank you.
I have been feeling completely alone recently though
But it's nice to know your here for me and talking to me and others are too.

[CrazyLady17]

Good news;
Getting discharged from hospital tomorrow sometime yay! So happy about this. Finally will get a good night sleep tomorrow- (happy dance time)!
Back to the serious shizzle....

Well I am now completely left on my own, may end up homeless myself pretty shortly as my friends parents want me out before Christmas Day(so a weeks time), go nowhere to go and all my family have turned their backs on me! And yes even my parents still don't want to know, wow! I am so loved, NOT! Feel so isolated and lonely and betrayed right now, feel like I shouldn't be here anymore, feel like I should just run away and leave and neve look back. I can sense Christmas didn't going to be good for me this year, it sucks. It sucks not to have a family behind me supporting me sucks to have such judgemental friends and so many "fake friends".

I feel so lonely and I feel completely lost.
I feel like giving up again.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well I have some pretty good news;
I am finally discharged and just got home from the hospital. Oh it's so nice to be back in my own bed finally! Going to rest all day and catch up on my slept I've missed while being in hospital.

Also got some very bad news...
I have to find somewhere else to live by Monday morning or I will be homeless! Oh lovely, homeless and got nobody to turn to is just the way I wanted to spend my Christmas, NOT!
Have a feeling my week is going to worse as the week goes ahead... Just as I thought things were starting to look a little positve for me, something drags me right back down again! Depression is so hard to fight.

I just want to curl up and cry.
I feel terribly alone and have nobody to turn to, it sucks.
I'm 17 and feel like my world is ending. Not a nice feeling and place to be.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well that's me homeless... Been kicked out of my parents house and now her kicked out of my friends parents house, none of my family will take me in and not even my parents want me back, oh how lovely! I feel terribly down, depressed, hurt, betrayed, poorly, hungry, freezing cold and feeling quite bad and I know I am having some pretty strong and bad thoughts right now, and that's due to the fact I am homeless and i am pregnant and I have nobody to turn to and it's so damn painful it hurts so much.

I feel so isolated and I feel totally lost and totally abandoned by my own family and by "so called friends" as well. My life seems to be at breaking point and right now I see no future and I see no going ahead with life and that seems so unfair as I am being punished for something I haven't done. Why is god punishing me? Why do I deserve all this? What have I done to god to deserve all this pain and suffering seriously?
I seriously need a Christmas miracle or something.

My life sucks. And I just want it to end.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well that's me kind of sorted now....
Feel quite low and feel quite poorly and hungover today, oh lovely! NOT! Been wondering if my depression has gotten to the point where I totally can't do it anymore and where I totally have to give up as I can't carry on living the way I am doing. I am trying my damn hardest to stay strong and to stay as positive as I can, but there is only so much I can take before I actually explode and actually reach my breaking point. It's so damn easy for all you say "stay strong, things will start to look up for you soon, do something positive and fight the depression". Well guess what? It's easier said than done to be fair and also it's so hard and you would totally understand IF you was on my shoes and my situation! Gets me so angry and it hurts to think people judge me because I am so depressed

Anyway...
That's just see what today brings me.
Still waiting for my support worker to phone me back to see if there is anywhere i can stay till after Christmas, starting to get the impression that se doesn't even care about me or my well-being!
Pft.
I have nobody.
I am so isolated and feel so damn abanonded, so painful and such a horrible feeling.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today turned out to be pretty okay actually. Had a major setback this morning- but managed to get myself some support and then now resting up at the shelter and feeling a little calmer now and very sleepy. Hopefully have a better night sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow feeling fresh and "a little better".. Still feeling pretty bad and suicidal though, but the thoughts aren't that strong anymore(thank goodness)!!
Quite proud of myself that i got myself some help.

Feel like crying myself to sleep though,
And still feel completely alone and it sucks,

Thank you for listening.

[Frame]

I'm proud of you too. I think you made a good decision.

And crying is OK.