New here and in a really bad spot.

[froggirl13]

Hello All. I am not sure where to even begin and I am not sure my post will even make sense, but I will at least try. In February I was diagnosed with cancer. That same month (on my birthday which is full of trauma itself) my husband left me. I went through all my cancer treatments and suffered through all the aftermath alone. When he finally contacted me 6 months later he told me he went on vacation when he left because he deserved that. He didn't even ask how I was. So, I have always been the person who is always there for her friends. Even my enemies sometimes. I never turn people away. Because of my situation this year I can no longer work. I still try to help others when i can but honestly I have lost almost everything. I cannot work because of the aftermath of my treatments. I keep getting denied for disability and have absolutely no money coming in now. I make jewelry to try to stay sane - as a creative outlet. I have tried in every way I can think of to market it and sell it to at least have some money coming in but I keep failing. Nobody wants to pay for it. They tell me how beautiful it is and pricing is not the issue they just don't want to pay for it. So, I have lost my home and now my car. My 9 year old and i were actually sleeping in my car until it got repossessed. now we float from one couch to the next. My friends no longer ask how I am. I seem to be too much of a burden for them to be involved with. I about 15 hours a day sleeping. On the rare occasions when I am awake I spend WAY too much time in my own head. I really feel like I need my husband back by my side. Not the selfish person who abandoned me but the one who I fell in love with and promised to never leave my side and to always protect me. I can't let that go. I have tried therapy and gotten nowhere. Antidepressants made me feel WAY worse so I refuse any more of those. I don't know where to turn or what else to do. I am so tired. Tired of not being wanted, cared about or good enough. I'm sorry this ended up being so long, but i wanted to get as many details out there as I could. Thanks for reading it.

[Frame]

First of all froggirl, Thank you for posting.

Welcome and Thank you, also, for the details. I think I know how difficult it is to put all that out there when your feeling the way you are. But I think it's important for you and it's very helpful in getting a response to let us know what's up.

I know your in a whirlwind of emotions and desperate plans for stability; and I'm not even sure where to start. But I have a few questions and two suggestions. I'm thinking about where you are and wondering how your daughter gets to school.

I lost my car two years ago and on some level I'm glad it's no longer a burden. Also, I'm glad your not sleeping in it. Are the couches your sleeping on open to you or do you have to negotiate each night. Either way it has to be a terrible loss of energy you need to heal and care for your daughter. The actions of your husband are inexcusable. It's a tough thing to say, but until your he is ready to help, it's also a waste of your energy to hope or work for his return.

The two suggestions I have might sound crazy and probably go against common knowledge but here goes:

1.) Sick or not you have to get up early every day at the same time (you probably already do to care for your child) because the body to heal must continue to move, to function. I'm not saying to wear your self down. You need to rest. But you need to maintain a schedule.

2.) Many positive things will occur from helping others. For one it will show your daughter that life won't beat you and that's so important to show a young person today. Also, believe it or not it will give you hope. Third, it gives you credibility in the community and makes people more willing to help.

Specifically, I'm suggesting you find a place like a homeless shelter, a school, after school program, salvation army,... and volunteer your time. Even a few hours a week will send a message to your daughter and the world that you still want to be part of it. You don't have to actually mean it (at first) but doing it makes it more likely.

Welcome;
Frame

[froggirl13]

Hello Frame. Thank you for your reply and your suggestions. To answer your questions, my son (not daughter, lol) gets to school right now by catching a ride with a classmate of his who lives down the road from where we are staying right now. And people tell me that I can stay with them but the 'newness' - I guess that is the right word - wears off after a week or two and I can usually tell when they are getting uncomfortable with us being in their space. So, the couches are open to an extent. I am very worried because I am not sure where we will end up after this one gets old. I am very much depressed and I am having trouble functioning and doing basic daily things. I can't remember to take my meds, I have no energy to shower and get dressed, i have no appetite and hardly ever eat, etc. As far as your suggestions go, I have never stopped helping people. The problem with volunteering somewhere is that the community we reside in is in the middle of nowhere. The nearest thing to me right now is a gas station and that is 6 miles away. If I were to volunteer somewhere I would have to travel about 30-40 minutes away to get there. Not sure how to accomplish that with no car. I do understand what you are saying about waking up at a decent hour each day. I do get up with my son and get him out the door for school. And I am so exhausted I decide to lay down for maybe another hour and rest. Next thing I know it is 3 in the afternoon and he has just gotten home from school. I honestly do sleep that much. I used to have a really wonderful, happy life. I had numerous things to wake up for each and every day. I feel like I have lost so much this year. Every problem that arises I tell myself if J (my husband) were here I could handle this so much better. It's like he left and took a very important part of me with him. I don't know how to get that - whatever it is - back. I feel stuck, trapped, helpless, unwanted, unloved and not good enough by any stretch of the imagination.

[Frame]

I'm praying for you, girl. I don't know what else to say except I think your doing all you can. You are worthy.
Are you getting any kind of cancer therapy and how far away is the hospital?

[froggirl13]

I have not seen my doc in a while since I have no way to get there. The docs and hospital are all in that 30-40 minute away range. So I am pretty much stuck. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this. My body is either going to physically quit on me or I am going to mentally snap. Thanks for your kind words again Frame and for trying to help.

[satisfy]

Hi, froggirl13. I really feel for your depression. About the apply for the disability why don't you try a lawyer, they don't charge the money until you receive the benefit from social security. I have mental illness, and when I am in my down side I forget to take my med and I cannot even function to take a shower either, so I feel what you are going through. Hope, you find help or get help from social worker or someone who is volunteer to help you. Hang in there, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, that 's what I heard.

[froggirl13]

Hello satisfy. Thanks for your reply. It helps to know that others know how I am feeling, but it makes me sad as well knowing others are suffering as I am. I do have a lawyer so I feel like I have done all I can on that front. I have asked for help from social workers and I guess because this is such a rural community there is just not much as far as help goes. I haven't showered in I don't know how many days. I can't remember the last time I actually went outside and took a walk or just breathed in the air. I have been in bed (on this week's couch) for the last 2 days crying and I swear if one more person tells me to just be happy I might just punch them in the face. Seriously, do you think I don't want to 'just be happy'? People just have no clue sometimes. I haven't heard from any of my lovely 'friends' in over a week. I guess I stopped mattering to them too. I am slowly disappearing from my life. I am mostly gone so it won't take much for me to completely go. The only thing stopping me is this 9 year old little boy but even that worry is beginning to waver. They do say there is a light at the end of the tunnel but this must be one very long tunnel because I can't remember the last time I saw light.