hello there, wish anyone talk to me

[schizorobin]

hello there,

I don't know proper words to introduce myself. My names is Robin, I'm 28 year's old female, I'm new here but I've been struggling with depression and bipolar since I can't remember, maybe since I was a child, there's so many things happened but I won't tell it here since it's a long story.

I've been through my darkest period last year, while I had an attempt of suicide but I passed it. but I don't think that I completely healed.

My depression makes me become introverted and antisocial person, and I'm tired of it. Maybe it's late, but now I really need someone that I can called as friend that I can talk to.

I'm looking forward to someone who had same experience and feeling, and I'm willing to listen and share what cause our depression and how to deal with it everydays, so we can help each other without being like a lecture or a doctor, just a friend.

Well, that's all and anyway thank you for anyone who read this.

[Frame]

Hi Robin;

Reading your post, I felt I could be writing there 24 years ago. And I'm still here. And I'm still struggling. You wrote; "Maybe it's late, but now I really need someone that I can called as friend that I can talk to. " Well, you can certainly talk here. People are listening and people care; about you, about the struggle, about feeling better.

I think depression robs us of time we thought should have been more; more productive, more happy, more positive. I have an almost ever present feeling of being and getting behind. Yes it seems late. BUT [and this is a big but] the more I learn of successful people, the more I realize that's how important and productive people feel. I think it's hard to tell, in the depths of depression, if we're not actually changing the world in important ways.

and; "...cause our depression and how to deal with it everyday..." Stick around. Stay with us. Dealing with it every day means being connected when we least want to. Dealing with it every day is just that. So don't be bashful. And I for one am working on the causes. I'm not the only one. We learn from each other here. There are strength in numbers.
Welcome;
Frame

[schizorobin]

thank you frame, I really appreciated it.

yes I hope it's not late to start. I know there's lot of people suffer the same problem like me, but still hide it or pretend to act normally like what I did. I don't know if it's the right choice or wrong.

I'm a bipolar, sometimes I feel content and happy but most of times I'm sad. But I never showed my sadness to anyone, I just don't want anyone to worry. That's why when I encouraged myself to talk to one of a friend (co -worker) that I'm depressed, she just like "are you kidding? you looks OK for me." well, that because I'm old enough, not like unstable teenager who seeking attention by showing my scars and my madness to anyone. I just tried to be professional at my work place without mixed my own problem to my job. But then I think my decision doesn't makes me feel better. I look strong but I'm not strong enough.

By the way, I write this in my content mood, don't know what I'm gonna write if was down. But anyway once again thank you.

[Glad2bme]

You can be your real self here and work it out. The highs the lows the good the bad it's all just life and we gotta sort out what works and what doesn't and keep the stuff that works and toss the rest.

[schizorobin]

thank you for welcoming glad2beme,
yes I hope so

[satisfy]

I feel the same way you do. I try to hang in there. not my neck, even though I think about it.

[4EverMe]

Hi Robin,
Welcome aboard the "crazy train." (kidding)
I'm not joking about the 'Welcome' part, though.

I stumbled across this site last July, and am grateful I did. It's my wish that you feel as at home as myself, and that you find solace and answers to your troubles. Of course, it's never too late. You can be 98, and we'd welcome you.

Feel free to open up more, if you wish. Hmm. I've probably got the biggest mouth on here, and people put up with me. I've also made great friends, though few. Ttyl.

[CrazyLady17]

Welcome

I'm new here too.

Need me PM anytime

[eloise1974]

I'm also new here. It seems like a good place to communicate with others who struggle with similar mental/emotional health issues.

Robin -- I'm guessing you and I are not the only ones in this forum who are antisocial. My depression makes me want to hide out in my apartment. Sometimes I go from Friday after work until Monday morning at work without talking to anyone.

[schizorobin]

thank you eloise1974,
well I feel so comfortable by being antisocial, I know it's not right coz we live in society, I wanted to change, but even if I surrounded by the crowd, but I still feel alone, and unconciously isolated myself. you may know how it feels .

[schizorobin]

and also thanks for welcoming me satisfy, crazylady17 and 4EverMe for your all respons.

My depression makes me thought that I couldn't be anyone's friend, I couldn't fit in anyone's life, coz I'm such a burden, don't you think what kind of person wanted to live with someone who can be sad 24/7 without a reason? I know there's nobody even my family. It's also hard for me to trust anyone that's why everybody for me just an acquaintance.

[Frame]

I can't help thinking that our wanting to be alone has something to do with not being properly prepared to deal with society as we experience it.

Think about returning vets and PSTD. They have been trained to live a surreal existence and come back home is completely disorienting. Only, in my case, and perhaps yours, it looks like I haven't got the skills to handle my environment due to what feels like an emotional / sensory overload. Not that different really.

I think some of us were never properly prepared to enter civilization on our own. Maybe we needed more time or unique training. Family dynamic or events interrupted our march toward maturity. Or maybe the way we see the world will always put us at odds with it.

But there's still work to do.
So don't give up.

[eloise1974]

Frame -- I agree that in many ways I didn't get healthy social modeling as I grew up. My father was a fan of the poet Emily Dickenson. When I was about 4 years old he started teaching me her poems. For example, "I'm nobody, who are you, are you nobody too? Then there's a pair of us, don't tell, they'll banish us you know. How dreary to be somebody, how public like a frog to tell your name the live long day to an admiring bog." At 4 I took everything my father told me to be absolute truth. So I learned that I was nobody, and I learned that my father was also nobody, and I became very ashamed of him and of me. It was many years before I learned about the poet Emily Dickenson. She was a recluse and likely had mental/emotional issues However, the damage inflicted when I was 4 has caused me trouble all my life. I think other people are somebody, but not me, I'm nobody. I still struggle with that over 40 years later.

[schizorobin]

yes you're right frame, maybe for some people it's need more time or special training to go back to society. But in my case all I know the only way to survive in my environment is just by pretending as someone else, for my whole life I feel like wearing mask, just like hypocrite. Being friendly with anyone but never let anyone close to me. I never belong to any group, always follow the rule so I would never made any confrontation with anyone. Nobody loves me, Nobody hates me, nobody know me, I'm just a name nothing else, my existence is unsignificant. That's how I live till now, sometimes I'm tired of it, but I can't help it.

I'm not sure that being myself would be accepted easily, If I break the rule just to be myself I already know the consequence, and I don't want it to happen. Besides, too much pretending makes me forget who I am actually, whether I'm a bipolar or have two personality, I can't different it anymore.


I'm like a dead fish just flow with the water.