Depersonalisation, Anxiety and Relationships

[jane123]

Hi all,

Ive posted before and Im here posting again as a lost person. Im sure its depersonalisation I have right now. I feel dead and its like I'm not here anymore.

When I was well I met someone. It went amazing. But now for the last few weeks the disorder has kicked in again. Ive lost myself and dont feel present in a room with someone... Im staying away from him and unintentionally distancing myself from him/people just because I have nothing to give, I have nothing to say right now as Im too scared with not 'feeling here'. Theres this silence in my head and fatigue every day.

He thinks im being awkward, ignorning him here and there.

I jus cant explain this to him though, we havnt known each other long and I cant tell him I have DP - how do i manage this without him thinking I'm being a different person or being off.

?

so upsetting when this affects my relationships ad friendships... dont like people thinking im not bothered about them when I am but Im in too much of a scared state to interact with the world
and im tired of F'ing having to deal with this what only feels like an f****** curse

[Frame]

Ah, the curse. Hadn't used that word much in years. Used it just this morning.
There is little I have to say beyond, I know exactly how you feel.
The fatigue and silence in my head; but don't forget the screaming in my heart and the ringing in my ears.
When did it start? I don't remember.
What does it mean? Meaning is top of the list of things I'm short of.
(Tablet, shaped like a lozenge, could be the size of a coin. If you squint real hard it might look like a pie. I like pie.) No, that doesn't make any sense.
I need help, feel alone: but I need advice, need answers (need questions). But day by day I shrink more from people. My heart sinks when I step outside the door. That doesn't make much sense either.
They'll be back.

[benduggan]

I'm sorry, that sucks. The depersonalization resonates with me, I feel empty and vacant a lot also, I feel like I'm not really a person sometimes. Sometimes I don't even know what I think about, like I'm almost awake but blacked out. That and not having motivation to improve or redefine myself. I've given up making friends bc of it. I think it's easy to lose touch with your humanity and become a robot in the way the world is, the way society is mechanized and how ppl are often viewed mainly in terms of what they bring to the table. Once you stop being able to stand out it becomes very easy to fall through the cracks.

[jane123]

@ frame, thanks, not sure about the pie stuff. But its like im going mental and i cant be around people cus im not there. its madness.

@benduggan yeh its true, it takes away ur feeling of being human because you just cant think like a normal human. my thoughts r totally f**kd atm. Im having some really weird thoughts n bad thoughts (must be the work of the devil...)

But i dont know wat to do with friendships and relationships..
have u guys told anyone close to u about all these feelings. If so, how did they react, did they treat u differently after or see u as a hassle and not worth it

[Frame]

I seems to me now, that I've been trying to tell people all my life. These are the latest symptoms of something wrong with my brain that has ruined my efforts for a normal life. For all time, as long as I kept my mouth shut I was seen as cute and quirky. When I tried to explain what was going on, I got blank stares, or punished for making things up, or "Good luck with that". Then everyone drifts away. There have to be places and life styles where this thing works, but I haven't found it.

I wish I had some good news of encouragement. But the world has become a dark beast lately. I hope I'm not making things up now. Is this self discovery or self pity? I think it's the former but I can't tell.

[SilentWaters]

I used to get like this all the time, for weeks at a time. It's hard to pretend to be ok when you "don't even exist". It sucks, big time. It still happens but only for a day or two at a time now. Still sucks when it happens. The only thing that keeps me grounded is the solid knowledge that it will lift and I will feel more "real" soon, just gotta wait it out.

I can't tell you what to do, and as you say, you haven't known him long. Perhaps it is too soon to drop the bomb on him. But it may be worth considering, after all he's likely to put it together eventually. And some people take it fairly well and aren't bothered by it. Ultimately you have to make the choice.

[SilentWaters]

It goes both ways. I've told all of 3 people. 1 treats me no different than before, it doesn't seem bothered, actually quite supportive. 1 is no longer my friend, he started being a total jerk (but I realize now we were doomed from the start, he had more issues than me). And 1 seems to have forgotten that I said anything at all, I haven't brought it up again. Depends on the person and how much they cared about you before the confession.

[Frame]

I think my greatest issue is that I build up expectations in myself and in others. When I am sharp, people see I have potential, they are willing to give me a shot, go out of their way for me. It's so easy, inevitable really, to let people down. When I'm not there, why shouldn't they be disappointed? I get angry at me; why shouldn't they?

For me it's impossible to live within bounds. To live out my fullest potential, how can I rein in expectations when I'm here and I can do. But the cost is that there will always be interruptions. They will inevitably be another state of confusion, of darkness, incapacity.

To try to explain this to anyone has generally resulted in three responses depending on what they know of me and the rest of the world.
A) It sounds like excuses for the past. Call them when I'm ready to get real.
B) It sounds like excuses for the future. Time to slip away. I've already told them how it ends.
C) They know this is real. They've experienced it else where. But it's still my responsibility, my problem. Fade to black.

It would actually make me happy to read that this is not other peoples experience. So please, any one out there, tell me there's another response to be had.

[Frame]

It's what we really want most isn't it? Security. We want to know things will be OK, even if they are not right now. We may not trust ourselves; but we will believe in people, even against better judgement, if they promise to take care of us. What do we pay insurance for after all, even when we know we'll never get back what we pay? So we believe the promise, sometimes even if there is no apparent reality.

But to believe the future is bright when, we are told the truth that, there is trouble, that there will be problems, that we can't say the story will end well. Especially if we tell our friends and relations, there is trouble but we don't know what the problem is or how to solve it. Allen Wallace talks of the "Wisdom of Insecurity", but most of us don't want to be that wise.

Some people need to solve the problem. Some people need to avoid the problem. Some need to leave the problem. But I've found very few people are willing to live with the problem very long.

[Frame]

Sorry to hog the bandwidth. I'm starting to obsess on this question. It's a fundamental one about relationships. How do we support each other? How much do we share? How much is helpful? What's the timing?

It also touches on a question I asked months ago about partnerships. OK, we're dealing with depression here. I think many issues lie below and create depression, but my question is: Who should we spend our lives with?

Are we better off struggling along with others who struggle, perhaps struggling side by side perhaps supporting each other with wisdom of the disease? Or are we better off looking people who can support us in our darkness but don't share it, who appreciate us and what we can give to the world?

No one had an answer last time. Perhaps there isn't one. I haven't found one.

[jane123]

thanks for your replies guys and sorry for taking long to reply. The outcomes that u both mentioned are interesting, I cant understand how someone would be mean enough to just leave but hey, like you said, they probably just have issues.

Its like you wana tell someone, but still they cant cure this really and its a fear of being judged cause its not a 'normal' issue like death, for example, which is a reasonable reason to feel like this.

this is a frenzy mentality at times, not feeling real or just detatched. Its a fear of someone running away i guess

[4EverMe]

Hey 123,
You mentioned detachment.
Now, you got me. (lol)

Detachment makes more sense to me than "depersonalization." For me, detachment is something I latched onto during severe and prolonged stress. When I experience it now, it is either because my conscious/subconscious mind senses a past stressor (bad situation) repeating itself. Maybe the best mental imagery I can offer is that of a turtle retreating into its dark, safe and lonely shell. Sad but true.

But, even a danged turtle needs to come out and play, at some point. (whether it's to chomp on some sweet grass or to get whacked in the head) So, have I progressed into a turtle? Or, shall I say, "a type of hermit?" I promise that I do like eating pie better than sweet grass. Yeah,...more edible for my palette. Better for my digestive system.

This is actually the first time I've thought up the turtle analogy to express my inner/outer detachment. However, I appreciate the sense it makes. So, the 'turtle depiction' has got me confused about 'fight or flight' syndrome...
Admittedly, if someone walked up and struck me,
I'd be kicking some a**. For silly reasons, though, I retreat into my safety zone. Maybe, I've just become one of 'avoidance?' I AM much more cautious than I used to be. I believe in taking safety measures that some might label as paranoid.

I would like another turtle beside me someday, but when I poked my head out, I'd appreciate viewing his.

[4EverMe]

...Perhaps, we'd then learn to one day run like wolves. (the way I used to be)...

I want to add that I feel that detachment is not merely a defense mechanism, but also a manner of healing for some- like me. When you get whacked in the head enough, and the whacks are severe enough, you simply learn to retreat. As I stated, for me, this was caused by continued episodes of great and prolonged stress. I cannot help the battle scars I carry. Now, it's just a matter of surviving with who I presently am, and all that was once my past. I guess that layers of scars, healed and unhealed, can create a shell I'll just call my "detachment."

After all, I'd prefer to say that I'm detached than to label myself a turtle.