I thought things were going to be...something better

[dmb1209]

I know many people get disappointed in life. I really feel like I've failed. I had 2 failed marriages, I was sexually abused and raped when I was a kid. My Father was never there. My Mom blamed me for her whole screwed up life because she was pregnant and alone at 17. I have two great children one from each marriage. I am still married to the 2nd one but, it is pretty much a failure. I don't blame him. We shouldn't have gotten married but, we were both divorced and lonely and things just happened to me as they always do. I feel like I have a black mark on my life. I can't make friends. I had a best friend but, my husband took a new job in a new city because I lost my job due to being fired. I tried to help someone and it backfired on me. I am always helping people. I am an idiot. That is how I feel. I have resorted to writing on a depression blog because I have no one to talk to about myself. I dont think anyone knows me or cares to know me. I have tried to be social and just seem to repel people. I know I sound like a pity party. I know people don't like negative people. I've tried being funny, I've tried cheering people up. I tried baking cookies for the soccer team and just tried to stay positive. I am the only one who knows I feel like this. Today I just cried and I can't seem to take care of the house or myself. I should care but, I don't care. I don't care about much anymore. I don't want to take drugs. I don't want to be that person. I hope someone on this forum relates to what I am saying. I hope there is one person who actually understands. I feel like I am losing it. I feel like I've lost control of everything. I feel like no matter what no one cares what happens to me. I am sick of being dispensable. Why am I so easy to throw away or disown or not be loved? That is the question I have.

[Frame]

Yes 1209, I can relate to most of what you tell us your feeling. A few of the things I'd like to mention are that you

...should care but, I don't care. I don't care about much anymore.

It's one of the things that bothers me the most because I know I need to care if I can expect others to care about me. And it's not like I don't care, not really. And it's not that you don't care; your reaching out here because you do care.

I have a metaphor of an onion under water (did I dream it? maybe). I'm the onion and I can see and breath under water but reality is above the surface of the water. My senses are distorted, and my grasp, my ability to care is sloughing off me like the skins on an onion, floating to the surface. I can see me caring up there on the surface, far away, but I can't touch that part of me that cares. Hope that not too weird. But it speaks of caring yet being disconnected some how from my own caring.

And I can relate to feeling like I'm trying so hard to help yet failing and watching people walk away;

I am always helping people. I am an idiot. That is how I feel. I have resorted to writing on a depression blog because I have no one to talk to about myself. I don't think anyone knows me or cares to know me. I have tried to be social and just seem to repel people.

like I've lost control, like I'm on my own.

I feel like I am losing it. I feel like I've lost control of everything. I feel like no matter what no one cares what happens to me. I am sick of being dispensable. Why am I so easy to throw away or disown or not be loved?

I feel that all of these thoughts and feelings are tied together. They all surround a feeling I've had visit me over and over the course of my life; that I am disconnected; from the people around me, from my ability to act and react with skill, from my own thoughts and feeling some times. They're all there, I sense their presence yet I can't access, connect, control. And it's easy under these conditions not to feel loved. I can't seem to love myself. I hope this isn't overwhelmingly weird.

There are things we can do.
I think the first step, to talk about them is the greatest step. So don't give up on sharing.
Welcome;
Frame

[dmb1209]

I understand what you said, however I guess I am looking for some of the things I can do. A little direction in a way from someone who has been through this.

[Frame]

There are many posts about this here. You might want to do some searching. Most of the things revolve around setting up and practicing routines which bring discipline. Healthy ways of living tend to bring positive changes and it's usually the things we don't feel like doing that yield results.

The two most powerful habits I know of are daily exercise and a militant attitude toward getting up early, every day, at the same time. A stable sleep schedule is one of the first things to go and that leads to mood swings. Attention to diet doesn't hurt either. I believe strongly in a daily multivitamin.