Hey

[benduggan]

My name is Stefan. I'm on this forum because I suck at life. I haven't really had anything bad happen to me in my childhood or any major catastrophies. I've just been predominantly a nonparticipant in life, if anything. My life is kinda banal and uninteresting and I'm astoundingly undeveloped as a human being. I don't really have a lot of knowledge or interests and I don't really enjoy much of anything in life. I was pretty much always depressed to some extent, I didn't have friends in high school and didn't know how to talk to people. I did well in school though, I think that's pretty much the only thing I've done well in life, ever. I didn't really learn much though, I just forget everything I learn.
Most of my life has been an aimless waste of time of just going through the motions while not really caring. I made some friends in college and started enjoying life more then senior year idk I just gave up got really depressed, consumed by self-loathing, kinda fell off the map and had to leave school awhile. I'm just working now and going back to finish school in the spring and am really motivated to work hard in school/career etc. But at the same time I've kinda given up on deriving any real enjoyment from life. I'm working towards publishing but honestly I don't really care what I do because I hate everything in life and whatever I do I'd end up hating and I'd rather just do something to feel less worthless I guess.
I very rarely talk to anyone now, I don't even have much desire to socialize and have reconciled myself to the fact that I have nothing to say or offer other people and there's no point even trying. Every time I even talk to people I end up saying the worst most embarassing crap possible. I've just basically given up at this point. I pass my life in a blur only semi consciousness of what I'm thinking about or why I feel bad when I do, most of the time I'm just numb and don't feel anything. I'm really joining this site mainly so I don't forget how to string words into sentences since I so rarely talk much anymore.

[Frame]

String right along Stephan (but change your signature). I'm glad to read that your motivated (not par for the course) and that you like to write. What do you know or think about philosophy?

[Greg41]

You and me both, I've been on cruise control for so long I barely have a vague recollection of what happiness feels like. I'm either hyper paranoid or morbidly depressed.

I guess there's always hope? Meeting an amazing woman would raise my self esteem I guess, yeah that will happen any day now I'm sure...

I look forward to work, just having some kind of task to forget about myself for a few seconds and validate my existence. When I am too old to work I will eat a bullet.