Lost

[buzzzzmonkeys]

My mind was once occupied by misery and self loathing but now it has become me, it was little more than a challenge that I needed to overcome but now my misery defines me. I used to understand that human beings, myself included, are limitless if we can only master our own willpower and channel our passions into contribution, as I had attempted in college. But the thing that kills me is that as soon as we deprive ourselves of independent thought and independent choice, two things which I know are luxuries for which I should have been grateful, we lose our ability to understand willpower and passion, as we feel as though we are no longer capable. No matter how hard I tried to silence my demons, it was the moment at which I stopped trusting myself to fight them that they truly consumed me. I alone initiated the process of my own deterioration. I felt as though my own inadequacy was my only obstacle in life, and that to overcome it I must isolate myself from disappointment. My mistake was that I let fear motivate me. Had I continued to allow the desire to conquer my demons motivate me, perhaps eventually I would have reached the same sense of accomplishment that had once allowed me to thrive. But my demons wanted to kill me, so I ran and hid. I dropped out of college. That was my first mistake. College was not the problem. I am the problem. And now I am alone with only myself to face. And the aloneness terrifies me. I feel trapped, but I feel no right to be miserable because my isolation is a consequence of my own surrender. And I am pregnant. As it turns out. But as a result of my isolation I am becoming increasingly inadequate as a human being, and cannot imagine myself as a mother, nor do I have any idea who the father could be, although it is one of three. I told my mom and she clammed up and hasn't mentioned it since. I don't know what to do. I had it all and I threw it away, and my identity is disappearing, along with my once promising potential. I'm an adult why am I having so much trouble functioning and why have I allowed myself to become so alone, I was surrounded by love but my own self loathing blinded me from it. I understand that my situation is not far from optimal and that things will look up but I have lost myself somewhere, and I don't know how to get her back. I feel utterly useless.

[fallen]

hey, congratulations on being pregnant that is a positive thing in your life.
you are by the way not useless , you are just going through a hard time, that is all.
for this i am sorry you are hurting.
every expectant mother feels the same as you.
going to a mothers group, might offer you some support.
just because you dropped out of college it is not the end of your world.
most of the successful people on this planet dropped out of school.
know that some one cares , and be kind to your self.
take care

[Glad2bme]

No one can fight this alone because we are our own worst enemy at the point when we need an objective voice of reason and compassion.

Depression may be the way life brings people together to help one another, or one of the ways. Healthy people have to be interdependent too, they just don't see it as a big deal. Some days you give and some days you receive, both are acceptable.

We go buy milk at the grocery store without feeling guilty because we didn't buy the cow, raise it ourselves and milk it by hand. So when we get depressed and need other people to help lift us up it's just the way life is, don't get bent about it.