To some I probably seem fairly successful, I have a new wife, 2 great kids and a new home. Im self employed and do ok for work.
But I spend the majority of my time depressed, feeling bad and unable to enjoy my life because of bad thoughts.
My latest one is an obsession with my wifes past, how many blokes she had before me etc etc. She has been pretty honest with me from the start and I have no reason to think she lies, doesn't love me or would ever cheat.
But deep down I cannot forgive her for certain things, even though they happened before she met me. I just can't get them out of my head, it's destroying my life and feels like it's driving me insane.
Its just good to air that because it isn't something I can discuss with anybody.
Thanks for listening
unwanted thoughts about my wife
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Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
I've been around for quite a while now, I've had many good things happen in my life, known many good people, have two wonderful sons and I've spent the last 40 yearscchronicly depressed. Depression doesn't have to have anything to do with your circumstances. You probably knew that, butI wwanted to make it plain. People unfamiliar with depression often make the mistake of thinking there must be something about our lives that makes us depressed.
As far as your wife goes, I'm not in much of a position to gauge you or her. As long as you feel she loves you, I'd say hold on to her tight and love her as best you are able. Myself I've always had a hard time forming emotional attachments. A side effect of the depression.
Good luck to you
As far as your wife goes, I'm not in much of a position to gauge you or her. As long as you feel she loves you, I'd say hold on to her tight and love her as best you are able. Myself I've always had a hard time forming emotional attachments. A side effect of the depression.
Good luck to you
Thanks alaska.
Ive been depressed most of my life. Although like you Ive also had many good times along the way.
I love her, and at times treat her really well. I feel if I can just get my head around this I have a great life waiting for me. At the moment though it is no life at all. I cant imagine a life without her. But things cant go on like this. At the moment i cant tell her i love her or give her a proper hug because im hurting at thoughts about her life before me. Its with me 24/7. Its messed up, she cantbpossibly know why im hurt and annoyed. She knows im depressed but i cant tell her about these obsessive thoughts.
Im trying to cope with depression without drugs but it is so so hard.
Ive been depressed most of my life. Although like you Ive also had many good times along the way.
I love her, and at times treat her really well. I feel if I can just get my head around this I have a great life waiting for me. At the moment though it is no life at all. I cant imagine a life without her. But things cant go on like this. At the moment i cant tell her i love her or give her a proper hug because im hurting at thoughts about her life before me. Its with me 24/7. Its messed up, she cantbpossibly know why im hurt and annoyed. She knows im depressed but i cant tell her about these obsessive thoughts.
Im trying to cope with depression without drugs but it is so so hard.
Hi Georgeboy,
Sometimes, when someone cares they will tell you what you need to hear- not what you want to hear. So, here comes some 'tough love.'
First of all, the advice Alaska gave in his last post, (last paragraph) was wonderful advice!
Secondly, I believe that somewhere deep down, you know that it's ridiculous to hold anything of your wife's past against her...and these are things from a time prior to even meeting her? You need to appreciate the here-and-now with her, and stop obsessing over things that can never be changed. Do you possess a time machine? Can she hurl herself back into her past and change moments that were HERS to suit your fancy? If you can't bear the thought of ever losing her, it is time to make a serious here! Have you ever made any mistakes in YOUR past? (We ALL have). Would you appreciated your wife playing judge and jury to every fault you dared commit?! For things that you have no way of going back and changing?? Whoaah! Come on now. You don't want to lose her, but you can be the very one who drives her away! Take my word for it. I've had to do the same with some delusionally jealous men. Though I truly loved a couple of these men, and everything else in our relationships were great, their unreasonable jealousy, and unwillingness to get help drove me off. (for my sanity's sake) There comes a time when one refuses to walk on egg shells one second more. For the sake of your marriage, I hope you take what I'm telling you to heart.
Would you consider counseling? Your irrational and obsessive groaning about your wife's past come from a deep seated insecurity from within yourself. You need help for your OWN peace of mind as well.
For the sake of your marriage, don't stall until it's too late, and the damage done irreparable.
Good luck to the both of you.
Sometimes, when someone cares they will tell you what you need to hear- not what you want to hear. So, here comes some 'tough love.'
First of all, the advice Alaska gave in his last post, (last paragraph) was wonderful advice!
Secondly, I believe that somewhere deep down, you know that it's ridiculous to hold anything of your wife's past against her...and these are things from a time prior to even meeting her? You need to appreciate the here-and-now with her, and stop obsessing over things that can never be changed. Do you possess a time machine? Can she hurl herself back into her past and change moments that were HERS to suit your fancy? If you can't bear the thought of ever losing her, it is time to make a serious here! Have you ever made any mistakes in YOUR past? (We ALL have). Would you appreciated your wife playing judge and jury to every fault you dared commit?! For things that you have no way of going back and changing?? Whoaah! Come on now. You don't want to lose her, but you can be the very one who drives her away! Take my word for it. I've had to do the same with some delusionally jealous men. Though I truly loved a couple of these men, and everything else in our relationships were great, their unreasonable jealousy, and unwillingness to get help drove me off. (for my sanity's sake) There comes a time when one refuses to walk on egg shells one second more. For the sake of your marriage, I hope you take what I'm telling you to heart.
Would you consider counseling? Your irrational and obsessive groaning about your wife's past come from a deep seated insecurity from within yourself. You need help for your OWN peace of mind as well.
For the sake of your marriage, don't stall until it's too late, and the damage done irreparable.
Good luck to the both of you.
For your OWN sake George...get a check up from the neck up.
You are rational enough that you know these thoughts are out of place.
SO, it probably won't take much, maybe a little tune up with some medication and a little talk through with an objective professional to get you back on track and enjoying your beautiful life and awesome wife.
I was my husband's first and he's my last, but we are each other's one true love. We've made it 25 years. The others were the ones who taught me what I needed to appreciate how fantastically normal he is. He's a manic-depressive, but very stable and would never think of beating me or cheating on me and he's usually supportive.
I could have left him 15 years ago when he was being an ass, but I didn't and there are still days off and on that we grumble at each other, but for the most part we're really in love and independent. M-F we meet for lunch because we both work downtown. It is often the longest time we spend awake together in a day.
SO, it probably won't take much, maybe a little tune up with some medication and a little talk through with an objective professional to get you back on track and enjoying your beautiful life and awesome wife.
I was my husband's first and he's my last, but we are each other's one true love. We've made it 25 years. The others were the ones who taught me what I needed to appreciate how fantastically normal he is. He's a manic-depressive, but very stable and would never think of beating me or cheating on me and he's usually supportive.
I could have left him 15 years ago when he was being an ass, but I didn't and there are still days off and on that we grumble at each other, but for the most part we're really in love and independent. M-F we meet for lunch because we both work downtown. It is often the longest time we spend awake together in a day.
Hi Glad2bme,
Well said! I also want to congratulate you on your beautiful marriage of 25 years...Marriage can take some work, but it can reap it's rewards.
My parents have been together for close to 35. There's quite a history of long marriages in my family.
Your advice to Georgeboy is right on the mark. Without help, it's a marriage sadly destined for failure.
Well said! I also want to congratulate you on your beautiful marriage of 25 years...Marriage can take some work, but it can reap it's rewards.
My parents have been together for close to 35. There's quite a history of long marriages in my family.
Your advice to Georgeboy is right on the mark. Without help, it's a marriage sadly destined for failure.
I just want to chime in with one idea.
To praise her for her past will allow her to transcend it. To condemn her to her past will shackle her to it. So one question to ask yourself is; are you afraid of her freedom? It's what allowed you two to come together. If she couldn't be faithful in the past, then forcing the past into your relationship, wont' help her leave it behind.
It seems to me that your wifes past is what brought her to the present (much as Glad2bme has mentioned). Her past experiences are not her manacles but wisdom and they are part of what brought you to together.Glad2bme wrote:I was my husband's first and he's my last, but we are each other's one true love. We've made it 25 years. The others were the ones who taught me what I needed to appreciate how fantastically normal he is. He's a manic-depressive, but very stable and would never think of beating me or cheating on me and he's usually supportive.
To praise her for her past will allow her to transcend it. To condemn her to her past will shackle her to it. So one question to ask yourself is; are you afraid of her freedom? It's what allowed you two to come together. If she couldn't be faithful in the past, then forcing the past into your relationship, wont' help her leave it behind.
Georgeboy,
I agree with everything Frame said, but I do have a different opinion on one thing. Rather than praise her past, just accept it for what it is- her past. You've got a past, also. We all have our jingly, little skeletons dangling in our closets. But, stop being spooked by ghosties of her past.
As Frame mentioned, (not quoted, verbatim) be grateful for the fact that the past evolved into a time you both met and married. Still, I do believe that counseling would help...Perhaps, maybe something to calm your nerves a bit. A doctor would know better than I, because he/she would be able to define your issue with more entirety. Good luck!
I agree with everything Frame said, but I do have a different opinion on one thing. Rather than praise her past, just accept it for what it is- her past. You've got a past, also. We all have our jingly, little skeletons dangling in our closets. But, stop being spooked by ghosties of her past.
As Frame mentioned, (not quoted, verbatim) be grateful for the fact that the past evolved into a time you both met and married. Still, I do believe that counseling would help...Perhaps, maybe something to calm your nerves a bit. A doctor would know better than I, because he/she would be able to define your issue with more entirety. Good luck!
Firstly thanks to all of you for taking the time to comment.
The thing is I know i have no right to judge her for what happened before we even met, I was no saint. I know its not fair, i know how ridiculous in reality it actually is. I also know its about my own personal insecurities. But that doesnt stop me thinking about things, anything i dont know about her past i usually make up and its as bad as it could possibly be. It has brought me down so low. She knows im the jelous type but doesnt know the extent of the jelous thoughts im having as Im scared it would push her away.
She is the love of my life, beautiful, funny, and an amazing women. Im very lucky to have met her. I suppose deep down its not about her this is just about me and this has helped me to realise it.
I know some medication would help but i want a life without the side effects for a while, if not longer but as i continue to feel so bad its looking like i may have to give in.
Counselling might be a good idea also, think i will look into that.
This is helping a little been able to tell my deepest dark thoughts about things i cannot takk to anybody about for obvious reasons. Thanks
The thing is I know i have no right to judge her for what happened before we even met, I was no saint. I know its not fair, i know how ridiculous in reality it actually is. I also know its about my own personal insecurities. But that doesnt stop me thinking about things, anything i dont know about her past i usually make up and its as bad as it could possibly be. It has brought me down so low. She knows im the jelous type but doesnt know the extent of the jelous thoughts im having as Im scared it would push her away.
She is the love of my life, beautiful, funny, and an amazing women. Im very lucky to have met her. I suppose deep down its not about her this is just about me and this has helped me to realise it.
I know some medication would help but i want a life without the side effects for a while, if not longer but as i continue to feel so bad its looking like i may have to give in.
Counselling might be a good idea also, think i will look into that.
This is helping a little been able to tell my deepest dark thoughts about things i cannot takk to anybody about for obvious reasons. Thanks
K georgeboy; this is good.
I'm no therapist but I still assert that what your doing is about control. Not about controlling her though; I think it's about your control, you controlling your world.
Why am I harping about this? She is very important to, you so naturally she a part of your life your focusing on. But you know it's not a healthy place to be focused: so I say your transferring feeling of lack of control from somewhere else. Don't get me wrong; we all know there is a lack of control in any close relationship, but you know that's the right thing. Her freedom is important.
My point is: I think there is a lack of control somewhere else in your life causing distress. But let's say for a moment that I'm wrong. I still feel that if you can find a place in your life where tighter control is beneficial and you concentrate on exerting tighter control (ships in a bottle, furniture building, race car driving, designing new nano structures, the perfect camp fire [let's face it girls you all drive us men to do crazy things]) in those areas then you lower your over all feelings of lack of control. It might be easier to let go of some of these unproductive thoughts.
I would however, stay away from designing any new flaming alcoholic beverages, designer drugs, or nuclear testing. They can tend to singe the eyebrows.
Anyway, my two cents.
I'm no therapist but I still assert that what your doing is about control. Not about controlling her though; I think it's about your control, you controlling your world.
Why am I harping about this? She is very important to, you so naturally she a part of your life your focusing on. But you know it's not a healthy place to be focused: so I say your transferring feeling of lack of control from somewhere else. Don't get me wrong; we all know there is a lack of control in any close relationship, but you know that's the right thing. Her freedom is important.
My point is: I think there is a lack of control somewhere else in your life causing distress. But let's say for a moment that I'm wrong. I still feel that if you can find a place in your life where tighter control is beneficial and you concentrate on exerting tighter control (ships in a bottle, furniture building, race car driving, designing new nano structures, the perfect camp fire [let's face it girls you all drive us men to do crazy things]) in those areas then you lower your over all feelings of lack of control. It might be easier to let go of some of these unproductive thoughts.
I would however, stay away from designing any new flaming alcoholic beverages, designer drugs, or nuclear testing. They can tend to singe the eyebrows.
Anyway, my two cents.
Got a confession... sometimes I have insecure fears too.
When I'm feeling bad about myself I think my hubby is cheating on me. Just like you I know it's irrational when those thots come but they are hard to stop. For me it took medicine to put the brakes on bad thots and get sleep.
I've been on Wellbutrin and I haven't had too many side effects. I get nauseous if I don't eat regular meals. It boosts my metabolism a bit. Even something more natural like St John's wort helped, but don't take them together I learned. Light box helps in the winter. I live in the Mid West and don't get much light in winter otherwise.
On the one hand hubby tells me every day he loves me and wants to cuddle with me every night. But for the last year his various aches and pains have put a complete damper on our actual intimacy.
He also liked to use sex to get what he wants in other areas of our life, but hey no one is perfect. My only real objection was that if he used that to get other things he wanted... did he really WANT me?
The crux of my fear is that since hubby doesn't have other experiences, does he REALLY want me or did he just settle for the first woman who swept him off his feet, fed him and took him home?
I've had chances to cheat and some offers, but my opinion is if I'm that unhappy I should just leave. Be on my own and have the opportunity for a real relationship not convoluted with leftover angst from it starting as an affair.
Some guy actually tried to give me his number tonight, but I just kept saying No as nicely as possible until he got off the bus. Yeah, not the creme de la creme for prospects but at my age when someone is still flirting with you at least you know there's a pulse.
He's like, "Oh everyone will go sneak in a movie theater sometime."
"Nope." He looks at me like I have two heads. "What? How do I tell my kid and grandkids to be honest if I'd do something like that?"
"Everyone has done it." "Nope." He still looked at me like I'm lying. Trying to get me to let him use my phone to call himself to "see if his phone works" Yah right.
"Everybody is curious." "Nope."
"Some smooth conversation and some alcohol, you'd be curious."
HOW do you really tell someone, "Hey, I'm flattered, but you are wasting your time. No matter how good looking etc... you are it isn't YOU I'm rejecting." I don't want to be with him because he's not my hubby.
I picked the one I want and the others just aren't him so they are out of luck. (Not that I'm any great catch, but I am loyal and loving and a lot of fun to be with- or so I'm told.)
I think most women are like me in that. We make our decision and we love deeply and aren't swayed by other guys.
I've been on Wellbutrin and I haven't had too many side effects. I get nauseous if I don't eat regular meals. It boosts my metabolism a bit. Even something more natural like St John's wort helped, but don't take them together I learned. Light box helps in the winter. I live in the Mid West and don't get much light in winter otherwise.
On the one hand hubby tells me every day he loves me and wants to cuddle with me every night. But for the last year his various aches and pains have put a complete damper on our actual intimacy.
He also liked to use sex to get what he wants in other areas of our life, but hey no one is perfect. My only real objection was that if he used that to get other things he wanted... did he really WANT me?
The crux of my fear is that since hubby doesn't have other experiences, does he REALLY want me or did he just settle for the first woman who swept him off his feet, fed him and took him home?
I've had chances to cheat and some offers, but my opinion is if I'm that unhappy I should just leave. Be on my own and have the opportunity for a real relationship not convoluted with leftover angst from it starting as an affair.
Some guy actually tried to give me his number tonight, but I just kept saying No as nicely as possible until he got off the bus. Yeah, not the creme de la creme for prospects but at my age when someone is still flirting with you at least you know there's a pulse.
He's like, "Oh everyone will go sneak in a movie theater sometime."
"Nope." He looks at me like I have two heads. "What? How do I tell my kid and grandkids to be honest if I'd do something like that?"
"Everyone has done it." "Nope." He still looked at me like I'm lying. Trying to get me to let him use my phone to call himself to "see if his phone works" Yah right.
"Everybody is curious." "Nope."
"Some smooth conversation and some alcohol, you'd be curious."
HOW do you really tell someone, "Hey, I'm flattered, but you are wasting your time. No matter how good looking etc... you are it isn't YOU I'm rejecting." I don't want to be with him because he's not my hubby.
I picked the one I want and the others just aren't him so they are out of luck. (Not that I'm any great catch, but I am loyal and loving and a lot of fun to be with- or so I'm told.)
I think most women are like me in that. We make our decision and we love deeply and aren't swayed by other guys.
Thanks frame, their are some interesting points in what you say. I also think giving my full attention and complete control to something else is definitely needed and can only help. Not sure about your suggestions though, the only fun ones mean I will lose my eyebrows
I've been meaning to learn to play the guitar for ages so am going to give it a try, can only help.
I've never seen a councillor and feel this is definitely something I may need to help get me through this difficult period and get to the chore of what my problems are.
4 ever me, I think you are wrong that my marriage is destined for failure. I know there are problems and that's what I'm looking at sorting out. Like glad to be me said It wont take much to get me back on track and I believe the same.
Glad to be me, I,m currently taking st johns wort(not sure I can use my light box with these) and b3 and b complex. It may be taking the edge off a little but maybe at this time things are just slightly too bad. Things were good so I decide it was the right time to try life without medication. At first it was fine, my nervous feelings of old started returning but I honestly felt I could cope with everything. I think what started the downward spiral was back pain, at the moment it is getting slightly better but for the past 3 months I have been in some pain of some sort and had difficulty sleeping with it. It most certainly hasn't helped, and other things have just all contributed to get me here, like problems with my ex making it difficult to see my son, and maybe the time of year (I live in northern England).
Good for you for never cheating, If everybody had the same view on marriage the world would be a better place. I have never considered cheating on my wife, whats the point in us been married if that's what I want. Your husband is very lucky and he must know this whether he has had hundreds of sexual partners or just one special one.
I've been meaning to learn to play the guitar for ages so am going to give it a try, can only help.
I've never seen a councillor and feel this is definitely something I may need to help get me through this difficult period and get to the chore of what my problems are.
4 ever me, I think you are wrong that my marriage is destined for failure. I know there are problems and that's what I'm looking at sorting out. Like glad to be me said It wont take much to get me back on track and I believe the same.
Glad to be me, I,m currently taking st johns wort(not sure I can use my light box with these) and b3 and b complex. It may be taking the edge off a little but maybe at this time things are just slightly too bad. Things were good so I decide it was the right time to try life without medication. At first it was fine, my nervous feelings of old started returning but I honestly felt I could cope with everything. I think what started the downward spiral was back pain, at the moment it is getting slightly better but for the past 3 months I have been in some pain of some sort and had difficulty sleeping with it. It most certainly hasn't helped, and other things have just all contributed to get me here, like problems with my ex making it difficult to see my son, and maybe the time of year (I live in northern England).
Good for you for never cheating, If everybody had the same view on marriage the world would be a better place. I have never considered cheating on my wife, whats the point in us been married if that's what I want. Your husband is very lucky and he must know this whether he has had hundreds of sexual partners or just one special one.
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