Slipping Back Into It

[Glad2bme]

Feeling sorry for myself over a lot of nothing really.

My son did say he hates me at times but I don't think he thought I could hear it and we'd just been having a disagreement about how he says awful things to his children and I'd wish he'd not use the "big gun" discipline for everything. It's like he takes away every reason to be motivated except "do as I say" and then "be happy about it or else."

I just feel like my son only admits that anything I have to say is worthwhile years after he's totally done it his way and fu**** it up so bad that it's pretty much trash in his hands. I don't want to see my grandkids end up as broken bits. I can't be a very good mother if this is what I produced.

Right now I actually have the best paying and most fun job I've had in ages. Actually my main motivation in NOT slicing my wrists tonight. I've finally got a little bit of light at the end of MY tunnel and it isn't a train this time... so I don't want to destroy what I've built up.

BUT the anger and self pity. SIGH. Such a drama queen inside. I won't act like this once I sort out, but it just feels like too much to keep inside.

I KNOW better than all this.

1) What my son says about me is his own dubious opinion and none of my business really. Says more about his inability to be an accepting person than about who I am.

2) If I think things through and write something up, he'll receive it better and I don't have to sit through his pissiness.

3) What my son WANTS for his kids, to be honest and listen to their parents, pay attention to teachers in school and help around the house are GOOD goals. I'm fully onboard with what he wants FOR his kids, it's just his communication and discipline don't seem to be getting him there.

4) I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm angry. I want to get back at him, so the idea of suicide pops up. Or for the first time in my life at 51 years, cutting. Just to see if I ever COULD get to the point of doing something about this and not just sputtering and then relenting and patting myself on the back for finding a good use of my procrastination tendencies --- putting off suicide.

But KNOWING better doesn't always make the feelings settle down. It helps some, but knowledge isn't that powerful in these situations. I also need to just spend a bit and acknowledge how it feels, sit with it and then I can let it go. That way I'm not running off in fear and waiting for it to chase after me and catch up at some other time. Best way to be done with difficult feelings is to just feel them and then they'll be easier to release. At least in my life so far that's how it's worked.

[fallen]

you seem like a really nice person and you need to hang around for your gran kids, i think you know this anyway.
you can not live other peoples lives, we have to live our own.
i am sorry for your pain, i truly am .
there are lots of people on here wiser than me , who also care, and will listen.
take care of your self.

[4EverMe]

Hi Glad2bme,
Please don't ever cut your wrists to get back at your son. You will live to regret it, in the aftermath. Just think of how it would also affect your grandkids, if they ever find out. Also consider this...If you, in the future, ever decide to correct the way your son disciplines his kids, he could use the self-cutting against you. You'd never be able to live this down, therefore, you would have only made things worse for yourself.

I'm so happy for you that you have a great job! This is wonderful. Not many can say that, in todays job market, so kudos.
One more thing I wish to say, (for now) is that the list you wrote shows you do have a good head on your shoulders. Just please don't do something you'd regret for the rest of your life. It would also be a pain in the a**, having to wear long-sleeved shirts to work every day, and during Summer. I do feel for your pain, and that you'd even get to the point of self-harm. I know what it's like, because I've been there too. Continue to stay strong.

[Glad2bme]

I'm MUCH better today. Was just shakey and had to be honest about it so I could let it go.

Interesting point about not being able to live something like SI attempt down. Hadn't thought of it that way.

Always worry about how it will affect everyone around me. In fact that is usually enough. But when the people who it will affect are behaving extrodinarily bad I have to find another reason not to turn my anger inward.

I'm a really good procrastinator. I never get past the grumbly pity party and a vague plan. It always shakes me up and makes me look for some shelter from the storm and gets me working on my stuff harder than before.