Dad with everything..... but still depressed

[jdad]

Hey.... I don't know if this is gonna help but here it goes. I was in rehab a few years ago and cleaned my act up. After a few years of sobriety I received a permanent injury from work that caused me to be on pain pills permanently. Now I'm am a few years into this affliction and now have a son. I cannot perform as a father, I love my boy so much but I am having a really hard time being normal. My depression symptoms are moderate I guess; all I want to do is sleep, I cannot stop blurting out things like 'I wanna die' or 'you're such a faggot'. I can control this for the most part in front of people although I have done it at work a few times. I am finding it really hard to control it when I am watching my son. I am almost in tears all the time when I am with him or by myself. I avoid my friends and my band, social events with my family. I have gone to seek help before took anti-depressants and found they make me go crazy!! Whenever I've gone to get help it always seems like the nurse just wants a certain amount of a drug in you and doesn't care to listen to you until she thinks your doped up enough. I have a good job and make stupid decisions at work, and let my anger get the best of me. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to feel normal.

[Frame]

I don't know if this is going to help either but... First of all, you can blurt out what ever you want hear (within reason). I might censor you, but knowing you have this issue, I at least, will give you some slack and try to keep you from getting banned.

Second; I don't know how easy this might be, but rather than counting to ten I often ask myself three questions before I decide to speak (and old hindi trick): 1. Is it true 2. Is it helpful 3. it it timely. It's possible that, if you spend some time practicing, it might stop you in front of your son.

Third; I think the more time you spend each day considering how much you love your son, how much you will do for him, how you want him to grow up healthy; the easier it will be to replace negative statements with positive statements.

And I don't want you to get fired, but I've had plenty of jobs where that WAS appropriate language. That might be part of your struggle.

Oh, and normal is overrated. Anyone here that feels normal is on their way out the door. Don't get me wrong, I wish that for you. But your among equals here.

Welcome,
Frame

[Alaska1958]

To want to feel normal. I wonder anymore what normal is? There is "average" I suppose, but that too I think of as a meaningless word. My father had two children, my sister who ended her life at 17 and me, who's thought about suicide for most of the last 40 years. My dad seemed like a very "normal" guy, he worked hard, had a good mind, didn't smoke or drink, wasn't given to any kind of outbursts or abuse of his family. Why were his offspring so given to going to the dark side? My mother had 3 children. My big brother is 70 now and he's always seemed to me to be one of the most intelligent and socially well adjusted people I've known. Why? His father left when he was about 3 and he was raised more by my dad then his own.

I don't understand people all that well, but I have noticed that there are a whole lot of people who struggle to try to be normal. Or at least try to fake it.

Good luck to you. Sorry I don't have any real good advice for you. But I'm always available to listen, if that helps at all.