I've struggled with depression since I was 10, it runs in my family. I've been on multiple types of anti-depression meds since then and had a councilor for 7 years. I first realized that this was a major problem when I was told that we were moving from Florida to Illinois between my freshman and softmore year in high school. I had just made real, not strictly in school, friends for the first time. I found something that I loved doing and had just started becoming friends with a crush I've had since 8th grade. This all sounds like small teenage problems but for me it was the first time I had been happy. When I was told we were moving, I shut down.
We got to IL after a week of "touring", aka getting lost. I was still in shut down mode but I guess emo was the in thing for them, so I was picked up by a group of kids who helped me through it. I found my first girlfriend in them as well. School went as expected and so did everything else. She broke up me 8 months down the line due to loosing interest. I feel that if there is an honest answer I can hold no grudge over it, and so we parted ways.
Now to the reason that I'm on here, one year later I took interest in a girl and we started dating. School was going well and so was the relationship. My mother divorced my step-dad and everything was well. I had found happiness again. I graduated, took a year off to work while she finished up Senior year. We both started college the year following. This first real bump came along when she took interest in another guy. She told me that she found him interesting and wasn't sure of what she was feeling. We took a break, not my idea, and I didn't take it too well. She went on a date with him and found him repulsive and apologized for everything. I took her back. We finished our first year, I dropped out due to being allowed to take a class that was WAY above my level, I needed to know Trig...while I was still in Algebra -_-. We moved in with each other in the next few months. I picked up two jobs, found out that working feels good. All was good for 2 months. We started to have the problems that couples have when they first live with each other: territory, chores, always being around them, etc. A synthetic weed was just becoming big (K2) and we both started smoking it for fun. I stopped once it was changed and started making me puke everytime. She continued smoking with my best friend. Awesome foreshadowing
, she took interest in him and it was mutual. I found texts between them and yet they denied everything. Xmas eve I found a particularly bad msg and decided it was time to confront them. They say that they only msg'd each other and never acted on them other than when she kissed him once. I believe them. He told me everything, even the worst parts. We broke up and it was especially hard due to him being my best friend... and living in the same house as all my other friends. So I was pretty much in exile. He gave me his word that everything would stop. And it did. We all remained friends.
5 months later we found that we were still missing eachother and decided to start dating. Everything went well, the euphoria stage took over without me realizing. I was happy again. I moved in with her once we decided it was alright. We didn't have the problems we had in our first apartment so we were on the right track. Yet, of course, there was another bump. Her ex who was also a very close friend of hers, started to say some things that I didnt find funny. I kicked him out of a party we threw and she went rage monkey on me. That lasted for about 3 weeks and I could tell that she still held onto it. We went through it though, ended up being evicted due to the property manager "not knowing I moved in" despite coming in for monthly checks and seeing me there every time. We ended up buying a mobile home, just something to call our own. We started having problems when she decided that the house was never clean. Claiming that we had to clean it everyday before doing anything else. I know it may be bias, but none of my friends nor I could understand what was "dirty" about it. This became a focal point for her. She used it every time we got into a scutt and it would just escalate it. We kept going, trying to fix the small things. After all, we didn't want to just give up after 8 years. She started having an issue with me working overtime, that we needed, and told me that she doesn't want me to be a workaholic. But we did need the money, so I dropped down to 8 hours OT a week rather than 16. She ended telling me that she wasn't happy in our relationship and we decided to talk about everything and work on it. This was two months ago. And things got better. Until her grandmother passed in front of her, it hit her hard. She couldn't give up the thought that she could have done something more. She took it out on me. I have always been a punching bag for this kinda stuff so it didn't affect me as much. She started having dreams about her grandmother being in the house near her rosary. I am a spiritual, not religious, person, so I too felt something in the air. I wanted to know if this was just us getting wrapped up in the moment or if there were an actual problem. I started leaving my laptop on record to see if it would pick up anything.
The big reveal: I never saw anything specter like, but I did get to hear her cheat on me with one of her new friends 2 days ago. I ended it right there on the basis that we just weren't working out. We had a long talk, and when I asked if she cheated on me, she told me no, even when everything was done with. She doesn't know that I know. I haven't slept since then nor have I been able to eat more than a few small amounts to keep me going through the day. My friends are trying to help, but none of them understand what to do. I honestly would be ok with the break up, but hearing them just isn't leaving my mind. I've only told two friends about it, the cheating not just the break up, but they really aren't helpful.
I just needed to put this all out here. 8 years to end this way. Idk how to feel. I cried once but have just gone numb other than that recording playing in my mind. I feel like this will carry with me and am scared of that.