This tunnel is a dark place

[Andyman]

Hi all,

I'll start with an introduction to me, i'm 32 years old and i live in Derby England, i run a pub and live with my girlfriend.

I've had my fair share of bad luck and i'm just starting to realise that most of it is down to myself, i can't think how i did things that have messed my life up but i know it's my fault (i know, strange but true). I've always been a happy guy up until i was 24 and my fiance at the time slept with my best mate and her ex on the same day and i caught them at it, she left me in mountains of debt which i have been paying off slowly and like clockwork.

However, here is where it gets worse, i can't seem to motivate myself to do anything at all right, i have business to run but whenever i get a mind set to do things i end up leaving them and doing something totally not relevant and messing myself up, it's been happening for some time not not just here but in previous jobs too.

I'm ashamed and mortified about my behaviour and i want to sort things out but i have such a huge fear of faliure and judgement against me that i never goto the doctors and get help.

I'm reaching a point where i just feel like selling everything i own and running away somewhere and living my life on my own and broke, i can't handle any more money worries or business worries and i feel i've lost myself to this depression and i'll never find a way back.

I don't expect life changing advice as there is only one person who can sort this mess out, just a shame that that one person is a worthless looser who messes up everything he touches.

Anyway, i have been giving serious thought to going to docs this week, maybe i'll break the habit of a life time and sort this, if i do i'll post again to upadte.

Thanks for reading,

Andy.

[4EverMe]

Hi Andyman,
Pretty cool reading a post from a person in England, and welcome to this site.
You'll find some understanding people here; I believe it will do you good.
Yes, please keep us updated on your progress. Sometimes, medication and/or counseling can truly help. I need back on depression medication myself. (It worked for me in the past, and I'll be seeing a doctor this month.)
It's worth a try, as there's nothing to lose, you know?
You sound like you're under a lot of stress! At the brink of just wanting to drop everything and run...
It seems as though you feel desperately backed into a corner, without much hope. But try to hang in there for a bit more, and see what kind of help you can get. Might pay off for you, Andy.