Really am going under

[scarysad]

I have always suffered with depression. Mainly disguised as anger. I have always let people push me around, am too forgiving and generally weak.
I fake being strong, but its getting so hard to keep the mask on. The main problem in my life right now is my best friend seems to hate me. And i dont trust anyone.
See her husband is a counsellor, and i spoke to him about a few things i wasn't proud of. He had an affair with another counsellor, whom he apparently told all of my stuff to. She and he fell out when she threatened me on facebook because i told my friend they were speaking a lot, then she called his wife (my best friend) told her about their affair, but also told her all my secrets making them sound like i had also been sleeping with her husband. Which i havent.
So now she says she believes me, but things are just horrible and strained. Her demeanor towards me is cold and distant.
Not to mention i seperated from my husband of 13 yrs recently, I have been taking soooo much codeine im surprised im not dead. I've been cutting myself again, and i have been late for work a lot recently, i dont want to talk to people, be around them, lost all my social skills. If it weren't for my kids i would be gone by now. Forever.
So BIG long story, but has all happened in the last 3 mths or so.
And thats not everything. I cant deal with this anymore.
PLUS my friend and her husband own the shop i work at, so work is horrible aswell and i dont know if i should leave my job or not.
I hate all of this.

[Frame]

You've got a lot to sort out scarysad;

I think we both no there aren't any quick solutions right now. But I feel very sure that, in situations where there is so much talk, listening is the most powerful action you can take.

You have a place in this forum, to say anything you wish (within reason) without worry that it will come back to bite you. I you can use it to create some peace at work, I think that would be helpful.

Another thing about cross talk is, it can get out of hand. Somewhere in the buddhist tradition is a set of three tests to be passed before any talk is acceptable: 1. Is it true? 2. Is it helpful? and 3. Is it timely? I only say this because, with all those words flying around (sometimes faster than we can actually think about them) using those three tests can protect us from words we realize later were not the best we might have chosen.

I glad your posting. Please, tell us more. It can help others.
Frame

[Alaska1958]

Hi there, I'm recently divorced after an 18 year marriage and feel a lot of anger about it, so I can sympathize with you. If it weren't for my boys, I would be lost.

I can see why you might want to change jobs as it must be very uncomfortable where you are. How hard would it be to get another job? Do you think that the trouble you are having with your friend is terminal? Or is this more of a rough patch that will smooth out? It's a big decision, what's worse than an awkward job situation is no job at all.

I wish you well and you're always welcome here.

[scarysad]

Thanks for your replies.
Went to the doctor today. I just took my first valium. 5mg.
didnt go to bed till 4am this morning. Have not had any codeine today as yet, but my head is starting to ache.
Doc didn't want to give me the valium in case i o.d'd so he only gave me 15 and i have to go back and see him.
I thought for a moment things maybe might start to be ok, but then i took the ex some bread and smokes on way home from work, and now i'm worse than ever. He said if he told my parents what type of person i was then they would agree that the kids would be better off with him full time.
I'm not a bad person. I have made mistakes but i love my kids and they love me, i would sacrifice everything for them.
I just spoke with him then, and he recons he only meant maybe me being alone for a bit would help me deal with all my srap.
Pfft. And I just dont know how to take him, i broke up with him, he swears black and blue he doesnt ever want to get back together which is good, but then he acts as though he is the most caring, supportive and compassionate person i know. So confusing.

[Frame]

I am glad to hear a bit of positive news. I can't tell what's going on in your ex's head but if his actions are caring, well, actions speak louder than words. Is it possible he cares and will continue to and still believes a separation is best? Even if only for the moment.

I think its helpful that your posting here. I also continue to feel that, there, listening is right now an important action; listening to your own thoughts as well as other's.