It's true although I struggle to admit to myself; I push it so far down. No one who thinks they know me would believe; I don't think anyone, not from hear, could understand just how much work it is, how much energy it takes just make it between home and work. The same childhood fears inhabit and old body. Just like school, I arrive at work dazed and confused. I want to scream and roll into a ball.
This is not conducive to a productive day. I want to think that, at last, I am rebuilding myself. This would be a lie; or am I perfect as I am; that would be a lie also. But, talking about this, I feel maybe, as bad as things are, they could be worse. As worse as they get, they could be worser.
It's a blank grey horizon. That's my number one problem. I need a reason. Something real I can focus on. No; wrong again. The world dissolves my resolve. My will is gone. It's all useless. And the noise. Is there noise in Hell? Probably. What then?
The Reason
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Hi Frame,
Wow...Thank you for expressing my feelings so very adequately! I mean it...Your statement, "The world dissolves my resolve." (?) Initially, I laughed, but primarily because it describes my life right now! You could give a sermon on this. Thanks for that sentence I relate to most. Believe it or not, I wrote it down! I do understand the rest too. It both hurts, and sort of vindicates me of this crappy attitude. (guess I've earned it)
A man in his 50's is NOT old, although I certainly understand 'feeling' old at times-- like NOW. You reminded me, when you described wanting to curl up into a ball, that I have more to do today than thought. Yes. Life's horizon looks very bleak. (not your fault) Try to keep your chin up. And do as I say, not as I do!
Wow...Thank you for expressing my feelings so very adequately! I mean it...Your statement, "The world dissolves my resolve." (?) Initially, I laughed, but primarily because it describes my life right now! You could give a sermon on this. Thanks for that sentence I relate to most. Believe it or not, I wrote it down! I do understand the rest too. It both hurts, and sort of vindicates me of this crappy attitude. (guess I've earned it)
A man in his 50's is NOT old, although I certainly understand 'feeling' old at times-- like NOW. You reminded me, when you described wanting to curl up into a ball, that I have more to do today than thought. Yes. Life's horizon looks very bleak. (not your fault) Try to keep your chin up. And do as I say, not as I do!
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