Back to Black

[Birdy]

I thought I was perking up somewhat, I'd started to make plans, and even allowed myself to get excited about them, these feelings were short lived, and now I'm back to my usual state of hopelessness. A life without satisfaction.

At times I feel on edge and out of control. Some days at work I feel I could crack at any moment, filled with rage and bitterness, when these feelings fade I almost welcome a return to my subdued melancholic being.

The trouble is, with such a great lack of enthusiasm for everything, I am finding it extremely difficult to change my circumstances.
Feel as though I'm stuck in a rut of my own design, and that any effort to change my situation is doomed to failure.
I am trying to figure out what's the root cause of my feeling like this?
I am almost 30, and have felt this way since I can remember.
I am aware that depression can be passed down genetically, and I've no doubt that part of my problem is due to this, but I also feel my Mum's negative influence throughout my childhood has attributed to my feeling so down on life. I don't even agree with most of her negative opinions, I've just managed to formulate a whole range of my own.
Does anyone else feel that there problems may be partially due to a parental influence?
Also does anyone know where I may pick up some bottled enthusiasm?
Thank you for reading.

[Frame]

Hi Birdy;
I think it would difficult to argue that our problems aren't partially do to parental influence. Our strengths and our weakness, our attitudes and emotions have all been greatly influenced by our parents. A century ago children learned from their parents, grandparents, great grandparents sometimes, aunts, uncles,... Our parents learned too, from their family, while they raised their children. And kids watched how adults learned as they taught. Now, most parents are largely on their own while many of them struggle to keep the nuclear family together. And they don't give out certificates of parenting. They don't get grades on how their doing or new parenting installments.

This isolation and stress becomes embedded in our personalities. I think that, when families struggle to communicate, everyone finds reasons to blame themselves, almost never for good reason. Blame is, perhaps, never reasonable. So, yea some of it is genetic; nature / nurture, tomato / tomata, but it's all rolled up in your relationships with your family. These, I have confidence, with improve with time.

When it comes to melancholic being and lack of enthusiasm, this is certainly influenced by your family situation, but can also have more complicated roots. Tell us more about your situation

[4EverMe]

Hi there,
I can see that depression is pretty bad for you! And some of the things you've mentioned remind me of my own. I've also suffered for it as long as I can recall, but, throughout spans of time, it seems to metamorphose into something different!! Is your depression this way? I don't know how to describe it exactly...The many facets of depression?? Also, I wanted to ask if you've ever been on this site before? I wouldn't know because I haven't been here all that long. What kind of employment do you have? Is it a job that carries considerable stress? Sorry to hound you with so many questions!
But here's another. Are you on meds? Have a counselor? I'm just trying to learn more about your circumstances!

You asked something to the effect of whether or not our parents can contribute to our depression, by their own depressive attitudes, etc. YES, I do believe we learn much of our ways of thinking and handling life's problems via those we look to for example. This definately contributes! It's a sad cycle.

[4EverMe]

I should also add that, of course, there's a difference between depression and just an overall bad attitude. (not that depression in itself can't cause a bad attitude). Do either of your parents have depression? If so, it wouldn't really be their fault. If they weren't treated for it, it could have been due to a lack of resources and/or insurance. I don't know how old you are where I could 'guesstimate' your mom's age. The reason I consider this is because there hasn't always been a great understanding of depression. The resources we have now outweigh the resources we had then. Make sense? By any means, we still aren't perfect. We're still evolving in this area.
Do you have a prayer/spiritual life that ever helps? Just curious.

[failmenot]

Hi there - it sounds like you're disthymic rather than outright depressed. Disthymia is when you don't fit all the criteria for depression, but you're sad, unmotivated etc.

You've probably already looked it up but depression includes things like changed sleep habits, changed eating habits, suicidal thoughts/plans). Your disinterest in things have been around for a while so it'll be hard for you to break out of it - maybe meds aren't a terrible idea? SSRI have pretty low side-effects and they're not addictive.

By the way, have you been to the doctor? There's some (not high) chance that you could have a medical problem (a thyroid problem or something) that could be making you feel this way. So you should definitely go and get some blood tests done.

[Birdy]

Hi Frame,
Thank you for your response. I strongly agree with much of what your saying in regards to the Nuclear family. I do have a tendency to blame my Mother for a lot of my flaws, and I know it's wrong.
I should be looking to improve myself, I know in doing so I'd be able to improve my family ties, and hopefully offer them advice on their problems. Right now I'm failing so miserably at life, I do not feel in a position to be offering anyone such advice.
In regards to isolation and stress being imbedded in my personality, this is very true. I spend a lot of time shutting myself off from the world, and even feel a sense of guilt when enjoying the company of others, especially when I know my Mum is home alone.
My main problem however is as I said my total lack of enthusiasm for life.
I have spouts of enthusiasm, but they are so short lived that I never manage to achieve or complete anything. Trouble being everything feels meaningless, pointless or hopeless. These are the feelings I am desperate to change.
Thanks again

Hi Birdy;
I think it would difficult to argue that our problems aren't partially do to parental influence. Our strengths and our weakness, our attitudes and emotions have all been greatly influenced by our parents. A century ago children learned from their parents, grandparents, great grandparents sometimes, aunts, uncles,... Our parents learned too, from their family, while they raised their children. And kids watched how adults learned as they taught. Now, most parents are largely on their own while many of them struggle to keep the nuclear family together. And they don't give out certificates of parenting. They don't get grades on how their doing or new parenting installments.

This isolation and stress becomes embedded in our personalities. I think that, when families struggle to communicate, everyone finds reasons to blame themselves, almost never for good reason. Blame is, perhaps, never reasonable. So, yea some of it is genetic; nature / nurture, tomato / tomata, but it's all rolled up in your relationships with your family. These, I have confidence, with improve with time.

When it comes to melancholic being and lack of enthusiasm, this is certainly influenced by your family situation, but can also have more complicated roots. Tell us more about your situation

[Frame]

It's funny, that you should come and post today. I just posted a response, this afternoon, about family AND change AND (tangentally) both enthusiasm and over coming your sense of guilt.

I think the thing to take away from the quote below is: That devoting some time, each day, to recalling and acknowledging things that your mother has done for you will (believe me it will): build enthusiasm, help alleviate guilt, cause positive change, and over time develop the discipline which will allow you to feel more capable.

You cant' take this advice in isolation, but it's part of a healthy life style.

Hi Shadow; I've come to understand that I've suffered from depression also since I was young. I'm 52 now and most of my family believe they understand I have depression; that I've been diagnosed with chronic depression. But I don't think a fraction of them could have accepted this when was growing up. It's too close and personal, have a hard time not feeling some how responsible. It's a burden the whole family can share if they don't somehow deny or explain away.

So why do I bring this up? Well, your young and wiser than I was at your age. But it doesn't mean your family is necessarily ready to accept you as you are. It's a rare family who can. Most families (at least most parts of a family) are more comfortable locking you into a certain role. But that usually does change. People do grow up (or keep growing). But you have to take care of yourself now. Some or all of your family may catch up and be supportive, but for now I have two bits of advice. One is about discipline and the other is about gratitude. I often have little to none of either but, the extent to which I can screw together enough energy to fake either is the extent to which I am moving forward with my life.

I'm not talking about having discipline. It's not something a person like me (and perhaps like you) can have and hold. Discipline is something that creeps up on me when I try over and over, and fail and try again, to put into practice the many good suggestions, you will find on this sight, about how to live a healthy life with depression.

Some of the suggestions you will find deal, not with ways to get what we need or want, but how to appreciate things, achievements, people, ... that we have. The reasons I mention this, again, are two: first, the better in touch with the abundance of what we have now, the better we feel about meeting the world each day (your bound to read some rather dark words from me around here, so remember; do as I say, not as I do. I really do try.).

But the second and...actually the reason I wrote this response is this: As you go about your life dealing with your family and what they don't understand, you may have to tell them "no" (even if only in your mind). But it's important to try to recall the parts of your life they (even with bitterness) may support. Its' important acknowledge their support. Without that acknowledgement they are bound to feel unappreciated. With acknowledgement, they may feel empowered to be benevolent. I've always felt better when surrounded by benevolent people.

[4EverMe]

Hi Birdy,
I failed to ask, in response to your pm, do you ever experience sudden bouts of unexplainable anger? I'm curious as to whether or not this plays into your depression.

Like yourself, any uplifting feeling that heightens my mood is so short-lived. It's frustrating, to say the least! Most of the time, I lack motivation to do the most basic of tasks. Of course, I wish to change this, but I also understand that I can't undertake this b**** alone. Each day seems void of any joy and meaning...and, like you, when it happens? It evaporates way too soon. It would be nice to aquire some motivation AND inspiration that lasts for any decent amount of time. Loneliness? I understand. By my own self-isolation I've caused this. Life is spent like a holed in hermit, wishing for, but avoiding most human contact. I try to reach out sometimes, to no avail.