Dissociative Identity Disorder

[sherbet]

Hello whoever reads this.
I don't know how to start.
Sometimes i have all these things going on in my head and cannot get it to stop. But when i need to think i cannot get it to work.
I lose time and sometimes find myself miles away from home, sometimes i have driven places and don't know where i am going.
My visits to the psychologist are really stirring things up and even though i do not want to tell her about things, her probing is really affecting me.
I have told her it is triggering and making things worse and i do not know how to deal with what is coming up. But when iactually make it to the appointments, she keeps telling me that all of my personalities are safe there and if they want to talk to her, they can.
Sometimes this scares the crap out of me and sometimes i can hear the screaming in my head, arguing, and fighting to come out, or hide and shut up.
I have been hospitalised on many occasions and even in there i have episodes where i have done something i do not remember and have been moved off the ward into the secure lock up ward. That is terrifying and then the staff treat me different and i can't trust anyone and hospital no longer feels safe.
So much goes on and i no longer know what my triggers are as it is getting worse.
Feel so hopeless, more now than ever
For some reason i couldn't get in to the chat room. so i came here to vent.
I don't know what to do and i live in a rural town with only one psychologist and my appointments are weeks apart.
I called her the other day as i was desperate for what i don't really know. But it was over a day before she could call me back. In the meantime i knocked myself out with heaps of medication just to make it all stop.
That is what they do when i am in hospital, so that is all i know to do when it all gets out of control now.
I really don't want to play anymore.
Plus i don't think i can.

[Frame]

Wow, OK, so you drive; you can make it to appointments sometimes; Your getting medication and using your own judgement on dosing.

And you've got a whole lot going on inside. A couple questions I have are:

When in hospital, are committing yourself voluntarily, or is someones else getting you there? Which leads to the next question, are you living alone?
I can see your situation must be terrifying. How do you support yourself and do you have anyone to interact with?

It's interesting that, for at least some bit of time this has been play for you. We can be playing all the time. When you were in a calmer state, what did you do with your time?

Just some thoughts that might help me and others help you find a safe space somewhere in there.

[sherbet]

Most of the time when i have been hospitalised it has been the police taking me there and i have been held involuntarily.
I am a single mother, my daughter is now 16. She has found me in terrible situation, like trying to hang myself, or other times she has woken up and i have been missing and this of course scares her
I am worried that the things i do, because of my PTSD i may be causing her trauma.
I am out of control and spiralling, just trying to make it to the end of the year when my daughter leaves to begin her own life.
I no longer interact with anyone. I go to meetings of Jehovahs Witnesses and they are lovely and very supportive, but i want to die so i avoid becoming friends.
I live on a disability pension. Which is a struggle. I have gone from being independant and running my own business, before that i was in the army. Now i can barely afford to live which adds so much stress

[kittycatlover]

Sherbet,

I noticed you said that you were in the army.

When were you in the army? How long were you in? Did the DID occur after you were in the army?

[kittycatlover]

Sherbet,
I know you feel that you are hanging on.

Have you tried EFT? (Emotional Freedom Technique) It doesn't require money, or a health practitioner. Just simple tapping on the meridian points of the body.

Maybe when you are aware, and have a few moments, you could try this. I know there has been really good success with soldiers with PTSD returning from battle with EFT.

There is a video with explanations about EFT from Dr. Mercola's website:

There is an article from a practitioner who helps solders using EFT:
It's called VETERANS: FINDING THEIR WAY HOME WITH EFT
Ingrid Dinter

And another:
Local therapist uses EFT with soldiers suffering from PTSD
Kelsie Bowman


I hope that helps a little.

[lovesmonet]

Hi Sherbet,
I also have DID and share your terrible hospital experiences. It's now almost October and I am wondering how you are doing. I hope you will post an update here.

[Alan01]

I think the strength of this forum is in a core of good listeners supporting each other and anyone else who wants to chime in. So on behalf of the forum I welcome you to respond as often as you like.

[specter]

My heart goes out to you. ... This world really needs to turn into a place where it's safe for multiples to exist, survive, and thrive with their mental illness. Sure hope that happens.

I too have Dissociative Identity Disorder, plus PTSD.