My Story.

[TamiHeart]

I don't really know how to start these things off. I never tried doing something like this before. I've always kept myself in silence when it came to how I go through life. So, I guess I'll just go with the flow.

I don't really know when it all first began. It kind of just happened to me out of the blue. I wasn't even really sure what was happening to me. Why was I all of a sudden so sad and negative? Every body around me began to take notice too, and I didn't want that. So, as I suppose most people do I hid it as much as I could, and even still to this very day I hide it from people around me. It's all I know how to do now. All of this probably started in grade 7 more or less.

Things in life happened that I didn't like. I mean, who doesn't? But I guess those things kind of took toll on my life in a bad way, and as years dragged on I only became worse. When I reached high school that's when things went really far down hill. I don't really feel like explaining everything though, my apologies. But yeah...anyway...

So here I am now. Confused about who I am, and why I am like this. So many nights I would cry myself to sleep, and I'd end up cutting myself too. Even to this day I still do that. I have this big notion inside my head that nobody cares about me, and that I'm all alone because that's how it always feels. All of those nights when I was by myself crying I never had anybody there to tell me things were going to be okay, but that's all what I ever wanted and it's all what I want now. But no matter what I do I get nothing. I spend all of my time caring about people, but I get nothing in return. I never understand how that's fair.

I just really need to talk to someone. I guess that's why I'm posting on this. I've tried before to talk to some people, but they always seemed to ignore me or change the subject.

I really just wish I knew how to deal with this properly. To be able to go about my day, and know that i'll be okay one day. But right now I have no belief in that, and I don't know anymore if I ever will...

[Frame]

I think, when we're young Tami, it's hard to sort out what parts of us we'll grow into and what parts we'll grow out of. We have role models to measure ourselves by; we could call them hero's, but there are plenty of songs lamenting, 'where have all the hero's gone? The world, these days simultaneously shows use a smorgasbord of hero's and tears them all down; tells us; "Look at them. Now look away." How are we supposed to know what to aspire to? How are we supposed to know if certain things we learn in school or at home will be true or useful in ten years?

I know I'm rambling but I'm following a thread (perhaps a yarn [and the cats are playing with it in my head] but...). The thing is I was sad as a child and I still don't know why. No one back then said, "This child is sad"; although I was a problem child. An adult more often than not, when it comes mental issues, see their roles as helping you grow out of it rather than helping you cope with it.

If you have some sort of physical strength or weakness the world knows what lessons to teach you. But the mind is so much more complex than bone and muscle. Sadness (depression) comes from stress and crisis. Chronic depression comes from chronic stress and crisis. It's not a root cause although it can become part of a self destructive cycle. I believe that most of the people I meet who are struggling with chronic depression have never had the support they needed to understand why they are grieving. I think it's easy to look at emotional stress in inverted ways and to diagnose inaccurate root causes. To apply treatments in the dark.

I also feel that many of the people I meet in this forum and places like this are wrestling with deep existential questions. Why, I don't know, again it could be part of a cycle. But I'm 52 and if I draw from my life experience I've always had some sort of aptitude by which I understood a larger picture, I've always had a bit of a higher wisdom, even if I couldn't pay attention to my lessons. This put me at odds with most of the world around me; still does. Thus most of the world, rather than helping me cope with this strength (weakness) preferred I grow out of it and tailored their lessons accordingly.

But it's never left me, and now I'm chronically depressed, and I'm still struggling to use my gifts in a coherent way.

So what point am I coming to? Well, I guess, first; I'm (we're) glad your here posting, looking for answers. It's a good thing. Second; as you read, respond, and contribute I think you may discover some things about yourself that may help ease the stress and thus the sadness.

How old are you by the way?

[TamiHeart]

I suppose I should have mentioned my age in my post. I talked about how when I got into high school things got worse for me. Well, now I'm done high school. I'm 18 now, well in a few short days I will be.

I used to always not worry or think about how I felt a certain way in the day because I thought it wasn't really anything serious. I thought that maybe it would go away, and it would stay away forever, but it never did. I didn't bother to talk to any adult because I thought it would go away. Even to this day I still haven't told my mother or any other adult figure in my life. I kind of think that maybe they wouldn't understand as much as I would want them too.

A few years back, my mother saw and found out that I had been cutting myself. She never really wanted to know why I did it. She was yelling at me the whole time. That made me feel like I couldn't rely on her or anybody for that matter. I just simply apologized and told her I would never do it again, but of course I did anyway. She never found out about it again.

I really never bothered to look into what kind of depression I might have. I say might because I'm no doctor. But I know how I feel, and I know what I'm dealing with every day. All I know is that all the time I feel so worthless, and that I can't do anything to help myself. I don't know what I can do. Sometimes here and there distractions may work, but most of the time no. It's like...I could be in a room filled with people I don't even know or even people I do, and I still manage to feel so alone. I always feel alone everyday of my life.

I learned that perhaps this is something I'll have to deal with forever. But I don't know how too. I don't know how to cope. All I really want is some form of help. Some hope that I'll be okay.

Thank you for your reply. I didn't think I would get one. I very much appreciate it.

[Christina7s]

It will get better. I'm not saying this the cheesy way. It's just that it always gets better and time can heal everything. What I think will help is making new friends or finding something that interests you and focusing on it. For example you can do a sport that you like and it'll help you forget the sad times. Something to keep you going and to give meaning. Also something worth fighting for. In the scenario of making new friends, find a friend that you can trust or maybe a parent. What about your dad or any siblings you can talk to? or even an adult you know you can talk about anything or even someone from here. In the case of finding this person try and open up as much as you can and let him/her in for what you're feeling exactly and how the whole story happened. It always gets better when you talk to someone. I know this from personal experience. I had the same thing as you and I still do sometimes where I keep things to myself but once or twice that I tried opening up to someone it really worked and I could share my problems and the solution was right there but I just couldn't see it. Therefore, Id say that it would get better if you talk to someone and find something to keep you busy and is worth your time. I'm available any time if you feel like talking to someone. Feel free to PM me at any time.