A friend of mine called me this morning and asked if I could come pick him up from the hospital. I said sure, I didn't ask why he was there, he got a new motorcycle a while back and it is his first, it's also a big touring bike that he's layed on it's side before so I thought maybe he racked it up. He also has a problem with depression and I was hoping it wasn't that. But when I walked into his hospital room he wasn't all scratched up like the time he layed his bike down, nor was he on the 4th floor, where the psychiatric ward is (don't ask me how I know). Instead he was in icu, it turns out he had a heart attack. My friend is 45 and has several of the same issues I've dealt with. Like me (me before gastric bypass surgery) he's obese, has hypertension, depression and has insulin dependant diabetes.
He has a pretty good job with good insurance and I've encouraged him before to think about gastric bypass. He isn't really interested. It turns out that he ran out of his blood pressure medicine several weeks ago and forgot to get more. He really hates taking medicine and said he was feeling fine. He's a very bright man and I'm sure he knows that you can have high blood pressure and feel fine, but didn't care enough to take care of himself. A few days ago he didn't feel good, but thought he was having a panic attack. When he did go in they measured his b/p at 225 over 165.
Now he's home and feeling ok, but not great. Instead of the one medication he was taking for b/p they have him on 3 plus about 4 more for his heart. The nurse was telling him about how he needs to get some exercise and loose weight or both his heart and his kidneys are going to going to suffer. Nothing he hasn't heard before, I've said much the same to him myself.
After we left the hospital he was telling me that he still doesn't plan on doing much of anything different. He always figured that he might have a heart attack by 45 and would probably be dead by 60. He's ok with that.
It gives me a different perspective on how the ones close to me might feel. It's sad to watch someone who you care about deteriorate. Both my friend and me may well die early perhaps not through suicide, but rather because we don't care if we live.
Back from the hospital
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when i first came on this site i read a story, and the person was saying how within their family there was a defective cancer gene that they were sure was going to kill them early and they had spent all there life worrying about this one thing.
i thought 'bummer' to have that gene and be so young. at the end of the story the person said they were 65, and they were still worrying about dying of this defective gene?
people spend so much time seemingly thinking of death, and that which might befall them, that when they eventually wake up from this stupor, they suddenly realize that they are actually at the end of their life and that they made it, even with defective genes.
it is not how long we live, but that we live at all.
whether a sad life or a happy one it is how much wisdom we have accumulated that is important.
take care
i thought 'bummer' to have that gene and be so young. at the end of the story the person said they were 65, and they were still worrying about dying of this defective gene?
people spend so much time seemingly thinking of death, and that which might befall them, that when they eventually wake up from this stupor, they suddenly realize that they are actually at the end of their life and that they made it, even with defective genes.
it is not how long we live, but that we live at all.
whether a sad life or a happy one it is how much wisdom we have accumulated that is important.
take care
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Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
It's strange...I'm trying to sort out my past so I can look forward. I wasn't told I was defective when I was young. On the contrary, I was told I wasn't living up to my potential. The ever widening gap between what I accomplished and what I was told I must accomplish was, I'm coming to believe, the source of my depression.
Belief and awareness; I think that's the thread of my response. Let's see if it turns out that way. I mean sure...I understand your point fallen and I agree; yet being aware of our potentials and our limitations is what helps us to live our lives to the fullest. So it's just a gene right? We can't know if it will be our demise. But we can know if it was the demise of those close to us and how. We could live with the ever present threat that the gene will strike us down: that would compromise our present state of mind. We could ignore it and live our lives in a way, much like our ancestors, that tends to express and activate the gene. We could also live our lives with the awareness that the gene is part of our lives and the lives of our ancestors. We could look into how lifestyle might suppress the genes effects and lives our lives with hope.
Hope...what am I talking about? That's the thing; my family had hope, they were religious, they prayed for me and themselves. I don't think they prayed much that I would learn to use my life to the fullest, to be aware of my potential and limitations, to be the best I could be. I think my family prayed I would do what I was told, that I would fit some mold. That's hope and belief, but that's not awareness.
Believing you'll die is mute and not very helpful. Believing (or fearing) how your going to die is misleading and no more helpful. Believing and be aware you have a particular character (a gene for instance) and letting that inform how you live (not how you die), I think is helpful. I'm still struggling to know who I am. If I learned I had a gene that was causing my mind to act the way it does; I that think I might feel a little better, a little more hopeful.
Belief and awareness; I think that's the thread of my response. Let's see if it turns out that way. I mean sure...I understand your point fallen and I agree; yet being aware of our potentials and our limitations is what helps us to live our lives to the fullest. So it's just a gene right? We can't know if it will be our demise. But we can know if it was the demise of those close to us and how. We could live with the ever present threat that the gene will strike us down: that would compromise our present state of mind. We could ignore it and live our lives in a way, much like our ancestors, that tends to express and activate the gene. We could also live our lives with the awareness that the gene is part of our lives and the lives of our ancestors. We could look into how lifestyle might suppress the genes effects and lives our lives with hope.
Hope...what am I talking about? That's the thing; my family had hope, they were religious, they prayed for me and themselves. I don't think they prayed much that I would learn to use my life to the fullest, to be aware of my potential and limitations, to be the best I could be. I think my family prayed I would do what I was told, that I would fit some mold. That's hope and belief, but that's not awareness.
Believing you'll die is mute and not very helpful. Believing (or fearing) how your going to die is misleading and no more helpful. Believing and be aware you have a particular character (a gene for instance) and letting that inform how you live (not how you die), I think is helpful. I'm still struggling to know who I am. If I learned I had a gene that was causing my mind to act the way it does; I that think I might feel a little better, a little more hopeful.
to alaska and frame ,i watched a documentry the other day. there were two twin brothers one in scotland one in new zealand.the brother in scotland ate pies smoked and drank heavily he looked like he had the food intake of a sewer rat. the other lived a most healthy life style organic food , meditation etc.
the scottish brother had a heart attack and survived they found a defective tube near his heart.
the twin in new zealand thought he should get checked out not believing there would be anything wrong with him , the same defective tube existed in him he was rushed to hospital to have an operation.
to say the least he looked rather miffed that all his healthy life style was for nothing.
the question is did he have a healthy lifestyle because he wanted to or because of fear that he might die early if he did not.by the look on his face in my opinion he did it out of fear of an early death.
fear is disabling.
when i was young i wanted to die so badly, i would go up to the top of tall buildings and walk on the tiny ledge or just stand there and wait for a large wind to dislodge me , or i would often close my eyes and walk across a busy road hoping that some car would hit me, in my 20's i took heavy drugs shared needles ,but what ever i did i did not die.
i came to the conclusion that i could not die not because i am some how
immortal, but because it was not my time.
what happened was i lost a good majority of my fear, it left me, fear disables us.
to me religion was created by human beings to control other human beings.
it was not created on the true basis of unconditional love it was all about control and expectations. you should live your life how you wish to free of the constraints of family and organisations.
my policy is i can do anything i want as long as i do not hurt any living thing, physically ,mentally, emoitionally or financially
take care
the scottish brother had a heart attack and survived they found a defective tube near his heart.
the twin in new zealand thought he should get checked out not believing there would be anything wrong with him , the same defective tube existed in him he was rushed to hospital to have an operation.
to say the least he looked rather miffed that all his healthy life style was for nothing.
the question is did he have a healthy lifestyle because he wanted to or because of fear that he might die early if he did not.by the look on his face in my opinion he did it out of fear of an early death.
fear is disabling.
when i was young i wanted to die so badly, i would go up to the top of tall buildings and walk on the tiny ledge or just stand there and wait for a large wind to dislodge me , or i would often close my eyes and walk across a busy road hoping that some car would hit me, in my 20's i took heavy drugs shared needles ,but what ever i did i did not die.
i came to the conclusion that i could not die not because i am some how
immortal, but because it was not my time.
what happened was i lost a good majority of my fear, it left me, fear disables us.
to me religion was created by human beings to control other human beings.
it was not created on the true basis of unconditional love it was all about control and expectations. you should live your life how you wish to free of the constraints of family and organisations.
my policy is i can do anything i want as long as i do not hurt any living thing, physically ,mentally, emoitionally or financially
take care
I'm not trying to be argumentative, fallen, but I just don't see how I can go through my day without hurting anyone in any way. Wait...I take it back (how's that? I'm arguing with myself). OK this could be insightful; I was going to say there are so many people out there just waiting to be hurt so they can blame someone.
But that's not the same as hurting someone. You can go around with empathy, genuinely working toward a better world, and if by chance you do harm someone, you can be contrite and forgive yourself. You can remember that you got up this morning to do good, and you've done good, and on balance you are good. There are people walking around carrying bundles of hurt, much of it they have created themselves, looking for someone to blame. We don't need to take that on. That's not what your talking about.
There are many people, institutions, corporations though, trying to get ahead by pushing the liabilities of the world on you and I, on us, often for the gain of their stockholders. I see the church as just another business (so I'm with you fallen). Religion has components that can give deeper meaning to our live, but over all it's about power and control. Most religion devolves from love and transcendence for all, into sin and punishment for most.
I wake up every day, sometimes I lie in bed waiting too get up. I should be sleeping, stress won't let me; but still I want to get up and make something of my life. Then I get to the first challenge of the day and I all together give up and crumble. I see most of the world outside eyeing me up for fleecing. It can't be true but I can't get over it. Used to want to try just to see what happens. Lately I'm scared to see what happens.
I sense I'm taking this thread away from it's theme. But am I? Is this new found fear come from discovering something about myself (a defect if you like, or a strength, or a weakness) and not knowing what to do with the knowledge? It's kind of like; I always knew I what broken, but now having a better sense of how I'm broken, I can't move forward. My mind is full wondering what to do. At 53 I don't have the structure around me to make mistakes and be forgiven. I feel like all there is, is sin and punishment. But, whatever my defects, I want to find a life that fits, and builds a better world.
But that's not the same as hurting someone. You can go around with empathy, genuinely working toward a better world, and if by chance you do harm someone, you can be contrite and forgive yourself. You can remember that you got up this morning to do good, and you've done good, and on balance you are good. There are people walking around carrying bundles of hurt, much of it they have created themselves, looking for someone to blame. We don't need to take that on. That's not what your talking about.
There are many people, institutions, corporations though, trying to get ahead by pushing the liabilities of the world on you and I, on us, often for the gain of their stockholders. I see the church as just another business (so I'm with you fallen). Religion has components that can give deeper meaning to our live, but over all it's about power and control. Most religion devolves from love and transcendence for all, into sin and punishment for most.
I wake up every day, sometimes I lie in bed waiting too get up. I should be sleeping, stress won't let me; but still I want to get up and make something of my life. Then I get to the first challenge of the day and I all together give up and crumble. I see most of the world outside eyeing me up for fleecing. It can't be true but I can't get over it. Used to want to try just to see what happens. Lately I'm scared to see what happens.
I sense I'm taking this thread away from it's theme. But am I? Is this new found fear come from discovering something about myself (a defect if you like, or a strength, or a weakness) and not knowing what to do with the knowledge? It's kind of like; I always knew I what broken, but now having a better sense of how I'm broken, I can't move forward. My mind is full wondering what to do. At 53 I don't have the structure around me to make mistakes and be forgiven. I feel like all there is, is sin and punishment. But, whatever my defects, I want to find a life that fits, and builds a better world.
to frame, i'm sorry you thought i was being argumentative, it is how i write.
so many people live in fear and that fear on the most part is illogical.
we are all born free but we tie our selves to organisations willingly be it church, banks electricity companies, etc
we give our power away to other people,if we are sick we give that responsibility to the doctor.
to save our minds we give our power to a psychiatrist
to save our souls we give our power to the church.
to save us from financial ruin we give our power to banks etc
our self worth we allow our family to judge us and determine who we should be and what we should accomplish.
making mistakes is what helps us learn colonel sanders at 69 started kentucky fried chicken, he never gave up
a budhist priest does not give up on seeking enlightenment.
have you considered becoming a psychologist or a councilor you seem to have the compassion for humanity .
hypnotherapy can help to overcome fear etc
take care
so many people live in fear and that fear on the most part is illogical.
we are all born free but we tie our selves to organisations willingly be it church, banks electricity companies, etc
we give our power away to other people,if we are sick we give that responsibility to the doctor.
to save our minds we give our power to a psychiatrist
to save our souls we give our power to the church.
to save us from financial ruin we give our power to banks etc
our self worth we allow our family to judge us and determine who we should be and what we should accomplish.
making mistakes is what helps us learn colonel sanders at 69 started kentucky fried chicken, he never gave up
a budhist priest does not give up on seeking enlightenment.
have you considered becoming a psychologist or a councilor you seem to have the compassion for humanity .
hypnotherapy can help to overcome fear etc
take care
Interesting, your the second person today who's told me I have compassion. I wonder if there's a test I can take somewhere, cause I need to find some financial shelter.
I didn't mean you were arguing. I'm starting to become a little paranoid. I'm feeling less compassion for myself and that's affecting the compassion I sense around me. But in the calmer moments of the day I get a sense of accomplishment from trying to help others. This forum is becoming a bit of an escape. My sense of purpose crumbles almost as soon as I leave the house. It's hard to express how hopeless work feels. It's a new experience.
I've always had the great privilege of work and play being close to the same thing. I've always worked hard and mostly enjoyed it, for about seven years. I'm still working every day, but without the sense of play, there's no joy, no creativity. I'm hollow, slow, and ineffective. I try desperately bring some fun but it just turns to distraction.
But I noticed something tonight.
I didn't mean you were arguing. I'm starting to become a little paranoid. I'm feeling less compassion for myself and that's affecting the compassion I sense around me. But in the calmer moments of the day I get a sense of accomplishment from trying to help others. This forum is becoming a bit of an escape. My sense of purpose crumbles almost as soon as I leave the house. It's hard to express how hopeless work feels. It's a new experience.
I've always had the great privilege of work and play being close to the same thing. I've always worked hard and mostly enjoyed it, for about seven years. I'm still working every day, but without the sense of play, there's no joy, no creativity. I'm hollow, slow, and ineffective. I try desperately bring some fun but it just turns to distraction.
But I noticed something tonight.
I don't care about my health either. I eat what I want. I would eat junk food every day if I could afford it. I'm supposed to follow a strict diet because of the medication I'm on, Parnate, at the risk of my blood pressure going through the roof, and I do the complete opposite.
I don't want to live to a hundred. Hell, I don't want to live to be 54. In a sense "luck" is on my side, on my father's side, they all died young, but I'm healthy as a horse. No cholesterol, no high blood pressure, weight within the lower limit, no "luck".
I don't want to live to a hundred. Hell, I don't want to live to be 54. In a sense "luck" is on my side, on my father's side, they all died young, but I'm healthy as a horse. No cholesterol, no high blood pressure, weight within the lower limit, no "luck".
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