Pilule;
I was asked the same question last week.
Throughout my life at various times people have sort blind sided me by saying, "You deserve to be happy."; and I'm like,"what? What does that mean?". I guess at none of those particular times did I get a sense that I was unhappy. I'm starting think now that's because I can't tell the difference; that I don't actually know what happiness is.
How could that be? I laugh, I smile, I have a sense of humor, I can feel gravity, heat, cold,... But I'm pretty sure now that those words, "You deserve to be happy", have been uttered when my life was in transition, when I was groping for direction (we might say my life right now is at such a point).
They could easily have said, "Go with what your heart tells you." Some others might have, I don't know, I wasn't impressed. And on reflection, perhaps they mean two different things. An unsure person might want to go where their heart tells them. An unhappy person might want to move toward what makes them happy.
So last week I was at a picnic with bunch of people; I was invited by a beautiful girl who has been modeling for a few years. I've her seen her as the focus of artwork in a number of galleries. She has quite collection of newspaper clippings. We are not very close but we both care about each other and each others careers. So she knows I'm struggling and as we pack up the picnic she asks me, kind of out of the blue, what would I like to do instead if I could. I didn't hesitate. I said I'd like to be dead. (And don't say well why don't you then. It's not that easy, even if you don't give a damn about anyone else.) If I had had more time, could have thought for a second I might have come up with something clever. Instead it was merely honest.
I think I've destroyed too many relationships to count because, somehow, I care more about obliterating something somewhere in side of me than I care about my happiness. It's dangerous and depressing to be around me; not always, just ultimately. I think that's what I'm learning.
So if I had a clean slate (and assume that meant getting rid of what ever is killing me), then it doesn't really matter; I'd be happy doing anything. But as it is, it just doesn't matter.
What's it Like
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Than you 4Ever;
I'm truly grateful to have place to sort some of these thoughts out.
If things were going well I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be struggling. I wouldn't be looking at any of this. It would be deep down under shopping sprees', vacations, indulgences, ice cream, movies,... That's the American way. Maybe I'm being to arrogant. Perhaps it's the human way. But, latlely, a lot of people are looking at pieces of their lives they don't like (even people who can spell latley. I tried three times. I'm leaving it.)
[Seals & Croft, "We May Never Pass This Way Again"; my vote. We now return you to your regularly scheduled poast.]
So this is an opportunity. Hope I'm up to it. This is where the real work begins. Destiny. We'll all be dead too soon anyway. My troubles aren't any greater than any one elses' in particular. You have as much or more going on 4Everme, although I appreciate the sentiment.
I'm truly grateful to have place to sort some of these thoughts out.
If things were going well I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be struggling. I wouldn't be looking at any of this. It would be deep down under shopping sprees', vacations, indulgences, ice cream, movies,... That's the American way. Maybe I'm being to arrogant. Perhaps it's the human way. But, latlely, a lot of people are looking at pieces of their lives they don't like (even people who can spell latley. I tried three times. I'm leaving it.)
[Seals & Croft, "We May Never Pass This Way Again"; my vote. We now return you to your regularly scheduled poast.]
So this is an opportunity. Hope I'm up to it. This is where the real work begins. Destiny. We'll all be dead too soon anyway. My troubles aren't any greater than any one elses' in particular. You have as much or more going on 4Everme, although I appreciate the sentiment.
Frame,
You said to that pretty lady that you wished you were dead? Is that your "pick up line" ?. I assume you didn't get lucky that day. Even I could have come up with a better answer.
Maybe you blew an opportunity to spend a few good moments with her.
Anyway, I know what it is, whenever somebody want's set me up with a woman (I still don't understand why somebody would want to do that) I'm never interested. My shrink keeps telling me I should have a girlfriend, he even wanted to set me up with one of his patient and he had a picture of her. But I know right now that a woman wouldn't change how I feel.
You said to that pretty lady that you wished you were dead? Is that your "pick up line" ?. I assume you didn't get lucky that day. Even I could have come up with a better answer.
Maybe you blew an opportunity to spend a few good moments with her.
Anyway, I know what it is, whenever somebody want's set me up with a woman (I still don't understand why somebody would want to do that) I'm never interested. My shrink keeps telling me I should have a girlfriend, he even wanted to set me up with one of his patient and he had a picture of her. But I know right now that a woman wouldn't change how I feel.
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Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
I am not sure what I would do.....
Ok, you weren't asking me, but if I were starting over with a clean slate I'd get myself some decent job skills. I was born here and the year I graduated high school was the year they finished the trans-alaska oil pipeline. Fairbanks was full of guys who had spent the last few years building it. It didn't look like a good idea to learn to be a carpenter or welder or electrician.
Now, at 55, I was driving a cab last winter to try and make a living. I talk to some of my fares about what they do. Some of them, my age, have retired out of pipe fitters union or as electricians and are bringing in six, seven and even eight thousand a month in retirement. Me, on the other hand, I'm trying to bring home a hundred bucks a night working a 12 hour shift. In hindsight I wish I'd learned a good trade instead of just drifting from one job to the next.
These days I just can't seem to focus on any one thing long enough for it to do me any good.
Now, at 55, I was driving a cab last winter to try and make a living. I talk to some of my fares about what they do. Some of them, my age, have retired out of pipe fitters union or as electricians and are bringing in six, seven and even eight thousand a month in retirement. Me, on the other hand, I'm trying to bring home a hundred bucks a night working a 12 hour shift. In hindsight I wish I'd learned a good trade instead of just drifting from one job to the next.
These days I just can't seem to focus on any one thing long enough for it to do me any good.
Skills
Well Alaska, I don't consider myself normal by any means, but I have 3 engineering oriented degrees(AAS, BS, MS), and have been working since I was 14 years old. I've worked in development labs, clean rooms, processing plants, a hardware store, a veterinarian, as an art teacher, art design, handy man; and I'm not blaming anyone but myself but I've never made ends meet.
Now after a half century, I see nothing on the horizon to look forward to, I can't look back at anything that didn't crumble in my fingers. Sure I'm skilled and competent. I guess that makes me sound like a whiner. But I can't just keep trying to survive. There has to be a reason by now. Many people have a mission by high school, most people have an idea what their going to do to survive by the time they graduate from college or have been in a trade a few years.
It's not that I haven't tried or worked hard. People come to rely on me where ever I find myself. It just somehow always turns sour. And I start to hate it; then the hatred turns inside. I'm sorry; it's not what I want. It's just what is, consistently. I should be good for something; I should be good enough. How is it I always come up short.
Now after a half century, I see nothing on the horizon to look forward to, I can't look back at anything that didn't crumble in my fingers. Sure I'm skilled and competent. I guess that makes me sound like a whiner. But I can't just keep trying to survive. There has to be a reason by now. Many people have a mission by high school, most people have an idea what their going to do to survive by the time they graduate from college or have been in a trade a few years.
It's not that I haven't tried or worked hard. People come to rely on me where ever I find myself. It just somehow always turns sour. And I start to hate it; then the hatred turns inside. I'm sorry; it's not what I want. It's just what is, consistently. I should be good for something; I should be good enough. How is it I always come up short.
Frame,
I doubt everything you did crumbled in your fingers but you're "tunnelvisionning". I know little about you but I already know of a few of your achievements. You probably think it's nothing but people that are not suffering from depression, like us, would see a few of the things you did like some kind of victories.
Also, I think that a lot of people don't know what they are going to do after high school. A lot of them end up at some job, they end up liking it and stick with it for many years and end up successful. I know a lot of successful people that did that.
If I look at the guys I grew up with, NONE, of them had a plan after high school but me, and today they are all doing a lot better than me.
That's what pisses me off the most, I'm the only one that went to college, I wanted to work in the field I studied and not be stuck with a menial job and it didn't turn out well at all for me. So I understand very well your frustration over life and having nothing to look forward to.
When I had a plan, it made me hopeful. When it crashed, I always felt very depressed and had no interest in living anymore.
Now I have another plan, a very small plan, nothing spectacular this time, but it's the only way I'm going to have a small reason to live. If it fails again I really don't know what I'm going to do, I'm not getting any younger.
I doubt everything you did crumbled in your fingers but you're "tunnelvisionning". I know little about you but I already know of a few of your achievements. You probably think it's nothing but people that are not suffering from depression, like us, would see a few of the things you did like some kind of victories.
Also, I think that a lot of people don't know what they are going to do after high school. A lot of them end up at some job, they end up liking it and stick with it for many years and end up successful. I know a lot of successful people that did that.
If I look at the guys I grew up with, NONE, of them had a plan after high school but me, and today they are all doing a lot better than me.
That's what pisses me off the most, I'm the only one that went to college, I wanted to work in the field I studied and not be stuck with a menial job and it didn't turn out well at all for me. So I understand very well your frustration over life and having nothing to look forward to.
When I had a plan, it made me hopeful. When it crashed, I always felt very depressed and had no interest in living anymore.
Now I have another plan, a very small plan, nothing spectacular this time, but it's the only way I'm going to have a small reason to live. If it fails again I really don't know what I'm going to do, I'm not getting any younger.
There's wisdom in what you say Pilule.
And I don't mean to cherry pick your words, they deserve a more thoughtful response, I'm listening to the Beatles (not the most deep thought provoking ditties) and getting ready to sleep.
But I was talking to my parents this morning (They're in there eighties). You said your not getting any younger. It made me think; Dad said the days slip by so fast. Getting older has it's advantages, cause my days slip by like sixty grit sand paper.
[Oh, Oh, Oh; "We May Never Pass This Way Again", by Seals & Croft; my vote]
Sometime the solution really is the right amount of lubricant.
And I don't mean to cherry pick your words, they deserve a more thoughtful response, I'm listening to the Beatles (not the most deep thought provoking ditties) and getting ready to sleep.
But I was talking to my parents this morning (They're in there eighties). You said your not getting any younger. It made me think; Dad said the days slip by so fast. Getting older has it's advantages, cause my days slip by like sixty grit sand paper.
[Oh, Oh, Oh; "We May Never Pass This Way Again", by Seals & Croft; my vote]
Sometime the solution really is the right amount of lubricant.
Like a Game you can't win
What's it like?
It's like playing Wheel of Fortune, but Vanna has stolen all the vowels. It's like typing an epic novel of genius with a few keys miising. It's like waking up after a good nights sleep, full of intention and energy; then stepping outside your door and just loosing all sense of self in a swirling tornado of people, places, things, ...
The consternation of possibility is almost too much to bare. It's not like, why don't I just buck and concentrate; it's more like how can I ever stop forgetting who I am and why? What the hell is my problem? Someone tell me. Never mind; no one knows.
It's like playing Wheel of Fortune, but Vanna has stolen all the vowels. It's like typing an epic novel of genius with a few keys miising. It's like waking up after a good nights sleep, full of intention and energy; then stepping outside your door and just loosing all sense of self in a swirling tornado of people, places, things, ...
The consternation of possibility is almost too much to bare. It's not like, why don't I just buck and concentrate; it's more like how can I ever stop forgetting who I am and why? What the hell is my problem? Someone tell me. Never mind; no one knows.
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bigron4570
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Fri Jul 26, 2013 1:21 pm
- Location: wisconsin
Yea; like that bigIron.
But it's been gone so long I don't know who I could blame. I realize now that I've manufactured happiness substitutes; habits, reactions, little routines I can do to appear normal. They get people to stop looking at me like I'm dangerous or pathetic. And of course that gives relief but I'm coming to understand that's not happiness.
Perhaps happiness is what you make it; but I can't seem to make it by just getting by.
But it's been gone so long I don't know who I could blame. I realize now that I've manufactured happiness substitutes; habits, reactions, little routines I can do to appear normal. They get people to stop looking at me like I'm dangerous or pathetic. And of course that gives relief but I'm coming to understand that's not happiness.
Perhaps happiness is what you make it; but I can't seem to make it by just getting by.
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bigron4570
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Fri Jul 26, 2013 1:21 pm
- Location: wisconsin
Oh i hear ya there Frame but ya know after i found this forum it is nice to know we are not alone what i mean is it is nice to talk to other people who understand depression and the crappy way it makes us feel.For once i dont have to hear somebody say what you have to be sad about it isnt that bad you just need to snap out of it and enjoy life.Oh ya right easyer said then done when your not the one being tortured by this dang depression that keeps kicking ya in the butt every time you try to have a good time.You know what i mean... 
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