Stories we Tell Ourselves

[StorytellingHeals]

i've lived 10 years free of depression but i know how it feels, how debilitating it can be. i've been wresting and wrangling because deep down i know that life is beautiful and vibrant and I should have a reason for living. i know my thoughts are my battle ground..and i have a lot to live for but it's getting a little hard today because i'm falling into very old habits of comparing and adding troubles upon each other and escaping into useless habits and routines that don't give me any real relief. my childhood was plagued with grieving and loss, my adolescence with escapism and a desire for health. At 21 i experienced the fruit of my reward in trying to seek salvation from this all encompassing grief as i experienced healing through God's work in my life. My life turned from drab gray to multi color lenses and this has been my guiding light for 10 years now but today, just for today, I find myself at a crossroads. I know I have a helper and a friend, but I keep on wanting to tell myself a story that doesn't help me, just for today. I don't want to keep telling myself that story tomorrow because it's useless and it doesn't lead me anywhere and i'm a practical person, i've become more practical and i want to live.

6 years ago i fell in love and two years in a painful heartbreak, a slow drowning and going through fire and storm. at least two times I just didn't want to live anymore and God dragged me from this drowning river where I'd thrown myself over for a guy?..I tell myself that I loved him so much, I tell myself I love him but I am not in love with him, I tell myself I don't like him but I love him..4 years later I tell myself I am 98 percent over him. I've avoided him, I've cut off contact for him and my heart hurts worse when I don't at least get a real glimpse of him. There are so many wounds that God has healed in my with regards to this guy but at times i pick at the scabs and let the blood run a little and today is one of those times. These are the stories I tell myself. But i have my dignity too and i'm angry at myself for not being able to want to be with someone else, for not even being interested. That's the story I am telling myself today. I need to say I want to live. I want to live. I miss him but I want to live. And those two things ..Are they mutually exclusive. I want him out of my heart once and for all so that I can live. There is something wrong with my thinking. There must be something i am afraid of that drives me toward laziness, death, lack of fruits and actions. I figure it's that i'm passively aggressively taking action because I don't want to live, BUT I want to live. I have so much to live for Today. An amazing family, community, friends, strangers to discover, beautiful places and activities. I want to live.


i'm remembering where i came from..from this hole..this darkness...but i know what it is to live in the light. My answer is easy in practice and in theory but just for today I've indulged that old person in me who indulges and feeds off of the pain. it's enough..enough storytelling for today. perhaps from here I will seek a stronger resolve to live. i want to live: fully.