First time

[Head Up]

I am taking the first step in helping my depression. I am in my 30's and have never admitted my depression to anyone, but anyone who knows me already knows.

I have suffered from depression since my early teens, I think it all started when I was molested by my baby sitter. I have never admitted that to anyone in my life online or offline. After it happened I shut it out and pretended that it never happened. I am crying as I type this, I've never cried about it.

Soon after my parents divorced and I told myself that it's no big deal and shut those feelings out, I don't think I ever let myself cry about that either.

I came from a financially secure family, I never had to worry about money or food. My dad was a violent alcoholic and I'd have to say that on average once a month until my early teens he would beat my mom and I. I've been thrown across so many rooms, kicked, slapped and choked. My mom was hospitalized multiple times. I always hated him for that but loved him more than anything in the world and he died a little while ago. I regret not saying so many things to him. I didn't even know he was in the hospital because he didn't want me to see him dying of cancer.

My mom is the most incredible woman in the world, she'd never hurt a fly but she would take care of it if it was sick. Now she is really sick and I'm scared it could be any day that she's gone. She lies to me about her condition because she doesn't want me to see her like that. 3 months ago she had to have her breasts removed and was unable to properly heal. They had to take skin and muscle from her back and staple it to her chest where her breasts used to be. It looks so bad, it hurts so much to have to see her like this. She is all I really have left, I am an only child and don't know any of my relatives. After my dad died I found out that I had a stepbrother that I never knew about, he was before me. My step mom told me that a year before he died, he found my dad and came to his house. My dad gave him money and made him promise to never ever find me or tell me about him.

I have never taken prescribed medication or talked to a therapist. I'm saying most of this for the first time ever in my life and I apologize for the novel I'm writing. I was taught by my dad that I should be tough and that depressed people are weak. If I cried he really did give me something to cry about. However I have been wrongfully medicating myself with alcohol and drugs since I was 14. Mainly it was pot but I did cocaine in spurts up until 3 years ago.

After college my friends and I moved and started a computer company in the late 90's / 2k. We became very successful during that time, it was the technology boom and thought the money would make me happy. We were about to go public and raised millions from investors...many of which were my family and friends and then one day it was all over in a blink of an eye. One of my partners who was in charge of investments ended up being a snake. I'm just going to say that he didn't do things right and we had to close shop. Every investor lost and I was stuck with a business bankruptcy and a LOT of debt that I didn't and still don't have to pay to the state. I felt like such a loser, I let my friends and family down and have had to defend myself over that situation ever since.

After that I moved and did nothing but drink and party for years. I even opened a restaurant and was a part bar owner just so I could party every night and reap the benefits. These were my darkest hours with cocaine and drinking, during this time is when my dad died. When my dad died I went out every nite for months, getting blackout drunk and partying. On a few occasions I woke up with my room mates loaded gun on my pillow with the safety off.

I told myself that I can beat this like I have everything else in the past and went clean and "almost" sober for the past 3+ years. Every month I tell myself it's going to get easier but it hasn't. It has in flashes but it's eating me from the inside out, I've become a total hermit. I've cut of all my friends and don't even seem to care about dating anymore.

The dating thing has been freaking me out because I've never "not" wanted to be dating or hanging out with someone like this. Meeting girls has never been an issue for me. When I go out girls come up to me and I just want to go home and be alone. I almost feel like I'm not good enough but when I was younger I always felt like I was too good for whomever I was dating. Sometimes I honestly feel bad for some of the girls that I have hurt or screwed over, it kind of shocks me as to how shallow I was in regards to treating girls my whole life.

Now for the past 3 years I've been working as a programmer for a start up company and I am unhappy. I want to quit and walk away but I am scared that I won't be able to find anything else. At least anything this flexible. I don't make a ton but sadly I have to be honest and say that I really only work 1 full day out of the week but I lie about it. I only have to go to the office 1 day a week and it enables me to lay around moping all day. Literally almost everyday for the past 2 weeks I wake up at 11am-5pm , check my emails, go to my pool, go to the gym, come home smoke pot and lay on my couch or sit at the computer until 5-10am. To some it sounds like a dream job but I feel that its hurting me way more than helping and it's been so long that I am used to it. I make enough money to pay the bills and have some fun but I live paycheck to paycheck. I keep saying that I am going to save my money so that I can do something different. It's been over 3 years. I feel like a loser for settling, I feel lazy and I am never proud of myself.

I can't get out of this routine, I don't have the discipline. I am so sad all the time and tired of it, I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I've become the laziest person I know and I am realizing that I can't do this on my own. I have always been too embarrassed to talk to anyone about my problems. It scares me. I've trained myself to be like this for so long that I feel like maybe I can't change. I'm scared to tell someone all the horrible things that I have done in my life. They probably wouldn't even believe me.

As everything in life has, all of this and my denial has caught up with me and I am overwhelmed.

[jj]

Hugs, that was brave of you to share your story. Im glad you could make this first step...one of many to come im sure.

A good thing is that you are aware that you've been in denial about your feelings, some people really struggle with that.

Im sorry to hear about your dad, but if its any comfort i understand cos my dad was the same, and i know its such a difficult situation to grow up in. Many conflicting feelings towards the alcoholic. When i first came here someone directed me towards AlAnon which is like alcoholics anonymous but for the children/relatives/people who have been affected by the alcoholic. I never attended any meetings or anything but there was some helpful information i read.

I think seeking out some professional help would be a really good idea. Maybe medication could help lift you out of the blues a little to get the ball rolling which may help you feel more motivated to do things, which could further help you feel better. Some sort of talking therapy could help a lot too. With me counselling has helped a tonne, to talk about all the feelings surrounding my dad and the situation i grew up in.

It can be hard to break that cycle/routine but it is possible and i think in coming here youve made a big step in trying to break it.

Big hugs to you and sorry youre having such a rough time, i dunno if this will be any help but youre in the right place cos the people here are very supportive and understanding and caring.

jj