PLEASE READ THIS

[kitty28]

Has anyone ever wonder why some of us get depressed and other people just get sad and move on? Why do I blow things out of proportion and then realize it later, even years later? Am I the only one? I need to know I'm not the only one. I've been thinking about my past lately, and regret many things and even feel embarrassed about things I did. Is in the past, I know, but I can't help myself thinking about that. What is really stupid about this is that, what makes me feel embarrassed is worrying about what other people think, as if they were thinking about the same thing as me. As if they were thinking about me as much as I do. I dont mean to sound conceded, but thats the only way I can describe what my mind is going thru. I am worrying about what other people think ALL THE TIME. Everyday, even when I am alone. I have nobody do talk to because I took a semester off from school to study for my bar exam. While I'm writing this, I'm worrying if someone from my school reads this and finds out it is me. If I met me now I wouldn't know me. This was not the way I used to be. I imagined my life so much different than this. I am working on it.

Since I am studying for the bar exam, I don't get out of the house, at all. I'm here,everyday,just me and my thoughts. I was on medication, I was taking Wellbutrin but since is expensive here, Im taking the generic one. I stop taking it for a week and when i went back to take it, i began to have racing thoughts. I had an episode of racing thoughts, I never felt that in my life. I got so scared, I thought I was going crazy and it was never going to stop. I don't know if it was a b/c I stop taking it for that week or if it was because of some phenylephrine i took cause i couldn't sleep.


As you can read, apparently I am a very insecure person although I think I hide it well. I am 25 years old and after writing this, and reading this, I feel as if I wasn't 25 but a teenager. I want to go back to being the person I once was. The girl everyone looked up to, the one who helped everyone out and was fine with herself. When did I become such an insecure person?

Is ironic, I give great advice, but when it comes to myself, I suck, so
I am writing this in the hopes that someone reads this and can relate to it, help me out, something!

[hollyann]

Hi Kitty. Sorry you are struggling so much. Are you in therapy? If you are in the US you can sometimes get it at little or no cost through the county, if that is an issue. Also you should talk to your doc about having gone off and back on your meds and what its doing to you now. Your doctor might have some suggestions.

hollyann

[kitty28]

Hi Kitty. Sorry you are struggling so much. Are you in therapy? If you are in the US you can sometimes get it at little or no cost through the county, if that is an issue. Also you should talk to your doc about having gone off and back on your meds and what its doing to you now. Your doctor might have some suggestions.

hollyann

I am going to a psychiatrist but she just gives me medications, she doesn't talk much. I would like to tell her but i don't feel comfortable enough, she just asks if the meds are working well and if there is something i wan to talk about, but since she is so quick i feel as if her work is to medicate and nothing else, and that im taking other patients time so i keep my mouth shut and hope it all goes away on its own and sometimes it does. Other times I think is my period, but i don't really know. I am taking bupropion which is generic Wellbutrin. Is this normal? Should I worry? I feel like crap.

[Jess]

kitty28,

You are certainly not alone!

It's incredibly frustrating to be held hostage by embarrassing memories of the past. The fear of being seen as unworthy plagues us all from time to time, and for those of us prone to depression it can be really isolating.

I spend a huge amount of energy trying to avoid embarrassment, and get bent out of shape when I make even small mistakes. Sometimes I can only half focus on my work because inside I'm saying "don't say anything stupid…don't say anything stupid…" or "I know they don't really like me."

Actually (':oops:')...I sometimes make little involuntary noises when I remember something embarrassing from my past (which is, in itself, pretty embarrassing).

I've only recently begun to find that there are other people out there who share the same anxiety. Not just the vague sense of regret, but even down to the little quirks we develop because of it.

We are all imperfect. The amazing thing is, when we accept that and learn to roll with the punches in spite of it, we relate to each other a lot better.

I don't know if that helped, but here are a few people who put it much more eloquently than me:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on ... ility.html

http://ashow.zefrank.com/episodes/121

[kitty28]

Thank you so much! I was starting to think it was just me. Your caring words are of big help to me. To know that im not the only one, just makes me feel a least a little bit of sanity.

[Jess]

Reading your post helped me in that way, too. Just knowing there are people to reach out to makes a difference. Thanks!

[megleo726]

Hello!!
I have gone through a similar situation as you!! I quit my job (long story for another day). Then a few months later I had to move into an apartment all by myself because my roommate was terrible. I did not have cable or internet and felt sooo isolated. Also, since I didn't have insurance I was struggling to afford my medication. But here is what I did:
For medication, I went to target!!!! I REALLY hope there is one near you. I was also on Wellbutrin and my prescription was aprox $50 a month, I was taking 300mg a day which is a high dose. I finally got set up with the local mental health Center here and started getting my medication for free!!! Only my psych meds were free I didn't have insurance. I was able to talk to a therapist, a doctor, and a psychiatrist. The mental health center has groups and a "wellness area" There is a a computer room, a quiet reading area, and a lounge area with a TV. To help cope with the isolation I would go to the library. While I didn't really talk to people I was still around people and that really helped. Since you need to study for your bar exam a library is a great place. Taking the bar can be incredibly stressful, so hopefully this is just a temporary thing. Try to give yourself breaks to do something enjoyable in the meantime. Even if it's just drawing, watching a movie or TV show. Lots of luck I hope some of these services are available near you!! Lots of hugs

[kitty28]

Thanks you guys. It really helps a lot. Have you guys used bupropion? I went to the pharmacy today and bought my pills, they gave me bupropion by par pharmaceuticals. Are they any good? I have the feeling the ones I was taking before were no good.

[dougsan]

I don't believe there are good and bad meds. There are meds that work for you and meds that don't. I was on Paxil for years -- it worked wonders for me. Then the generic came out and the insurance company would only pay for the generic. So I had to change. The generic didn't work for me at all. Recently found Cymbalta works but after two months it seems its effectiveness is declining. Certain meds work for a time and then don't. Who knows why. But none of the meds are bad or good. They work for me or they don't.

For your own sake, don't think of meds as good and bad.

[megleo726]

I agree completely with Dougsan. Meds are just touch and go. We are Guinea pigs until they figure out why the pills work and don't work. Bupropion works wonders for me and knock on wood has lasted 4 years. Before that I was on lexapro but that stopped working in 2 years. I had a similiar problem with celexa, it worked but not enough. Good Luck!!

[kitty28]

Thanks guys. The things is that generic meds have less amount of the active ingredient. Thats why I was asking because it also varies among pharms. Thanks everyone!!