I just need to let it out.- Triggering

[Anony]

I don't know anyone here. I don't expect anyone to know me. I'll probably never visit this room again. But I just need somewhere to vent, somewhere I know that someone will read this, but at the same time, will have no idea who I am. This isn't a suicide note or anythin akin, this is just an empath that has built up so much that and I have no one, no where, to turn to to let it out.

Ever noticed who bloody big the world is? I can feel it everyday; I'm just an insignificant speck, and day in and day out I am reminded of who easily it is to be forgotten. I wasn't always this down, but these last few months, everything as really hit me hard. I want to ask a question, a rhetorical one. Does everyone's "Best Friend" forget all about them over night? Because mind did. We were inseparable barely twelve months ago. But it seems that whatever we had, they no longer need anymore, because every time the group does something, my name is never on the invited list, when I tell them that all they need to do is send me a text to ask, they use the excuse that I am always busy with work - even when I was not working, that was the excuse. I only ever received ONE. Single. Text. from them during that last twelve months. Who would they know how goddamn busy I was? Six months ago I met up with this "Best Friend" and we had a good time at a cafe. And then I returned to their house for a longer chat. And I learnt about all the things the group had been doing together, and where going to do. Everything that I use to do with them. I know I have done nothing wrong, I know that I haven't said anything to upset them, because if I had, they would have told me.............right? So why have I been so easily forgotten. And I cannot even turn to my "family", as there is nothing left. It's a broken picture. We're broken. Irreparable. Yes, sure, there are people at work whom I say "hello" to on the weekends, and people at Uni I say "hello" to through the week. But the conversations don't stretch beyond there. Why? Because it seems that I must have some kind of sign above my head, reading "Don't talk to me." Because all throughout my life, through all thirteen years of school and even the last year and a half of Uni, and even at work, no one talks to me. All through school; in the three different schools I attended, straight away, everyone was against me. In my second primary school, a girl in my class singled me out in my first week there and by the third week, had the entire school against me. And the teachers didn't even lift a finger to help me. Through High School, it was no different. I couldn't make real friends. Until the ninth grade. When I met this "Best Friend". We became very close, very quickly. I was thrilled that I had finally found someone that would take me in. We were very close, we'd spend all our time together. They introduced me into a group, a group that seemed as though they could accept me. It lasted three and a half years. And then, it ended abruptly. There were two halves to the group. And each half stayed in contact with each other. And then there's me. Pushed aside as easily as I was picked up. But now that I look back, I have to wonder. Was I ever really "picked up"? This "Best Friend" would always get me to drive them around (when I got my provisional license of course) and I would always go to them, even when they lived half an hour away by car, and I would always help them with things. Not until I really sit back and think about it now, that I realize that nothing was ever returned, no favors, they never came to see me, they never helped me, they never lent me an ear, or a shoulder. Whenever I would ask if we could meet up half way, in town, there was always an excuse on their end; they always had other plans. And then, nothing. I cannot help but wonder if it had anything to do with their partner. It started around the time that they got together. And I could tell, straight up, that the partner did not like me, one bit. They tolerated me, but under sufferance, and only for the "Best Friend". But it's all over now, and I can tell that the gap between us is never going to be mended. No matter how hard I might try to fix it.

It's stupid really, because the same thing happened with another person I met last year, out relationship lasted for five to six months. It was amazing. But it was a repeat; I done everything for them, would travel the fifty minutes to them just to take them to the mall, only fifteen minutes from their house, because they had no license themselves. And then it just fell through again, in Dec 2012. The boards just collapsed under my feet, plunging me down again. And, again, I have been left wondering what the hell I could have done?

I figured out that I'm a very weak person when I fell in love with the idea of love itself. With the affection. When a person of the opposite genre took a second glance at me and smile. I fell into a very deep trap. A very dark hole that I have yet to pull myself out of. He showered me with affection, would tell me how beautiful I was, would take me out to dinner every second night, would always send me texts in the morning and evening, and even through the day. But, only a week into the "relationship", I was at his house. We watched a movie together, and throughout he drew close and close, and I had no idea at the time that he was pretty much forcing me from the beginning. We ended up in his bedroom. As I said, I'm weak, I couldn't open my mouth to say no, out of sheer terror that I would lose this something special that I thought that I had found. I laughed it off for as long as I could, but as soon as it started to go too far, I did start to panic. But I couldn't open my stupid mouth. By the time I tried to say "no", by the time the world finally fell from my lips in a soft chant, it was too late, as much as I pushed and cried for him to stop, he ignored me, he stole my virginity with brutal force. He tore my soul open and tried to tell me how beautiful I was. He finally stopped, maybe he suddenly felt sorry for me? He held me for a while as I cried, whispered to me to try and cheer me up, saying that he "knew it was a big step for me". One that I didn't want. One that he stole from me. He drove me home, and I sat under the cold spray of the shower for almost two hours. No one bothered to check on me. My mother asked me about the blood in the shower the morning after, but I just said that I hurt myself while shaving. She just shrugged her shoulders. Thankfully, I haven't seen or heard from him since; I ignored his texts and calls for a full month after the incident, but thankfully, he hasn't pursued.

I know that this isn't much compared to what others have been through, I am not saying that there aren't people out there who are worse off than me. I am just saying that this is my story, this is what has happened to me. This is my past, up to the present. And they are only a few notches in my wall of lines. Everything has built up and up through my life, and being the stubborn empath that I am, I also feed from other's emotions, and I bottle everything up, I keep his stashed away; I hate crying, I don't want to be weak. I want to find my legs again. But I don't know how.

I am not asking for your sympathy, or your pity. I don't care if no one reads this, and/or no one replies, I just needed to write this, to get it down. And it helped. I am an artists, and usual getting lost in my art lets me escape this disgustingly cruel world, (or my writing as well), but lately, even that hasn't worked. If you do read this, thank you for taking the time, but if you don't, that's cool too.

Written by an anonymous, broken soul.

[jj]

hi Anony im sorry to hear what you went through. i experienced something similar myself regarding my virginity so i can relate a little and i know how bad it feels. how long ago was this? have you told anyone about it? do you think if you tried to call your best friend and asked for support with this that they would come and help? how certain are you that the gap cant be mended?

i dont think you are weak for what happened and its not your fault. i do think you need to try to talk to someone about this, how about your mum?

id just like to add that suffering is not comparable. pain is pain and this is your pain so please dont feel you have to measure what youve been through against what anyone else has been through. we all deserve love and care and compassion regardless

i dont think crying makes you weak... it is afterall just another emotion, its a natrual response we are supposed to be able to cry and i tihnk its healthy too.

where to go from here well i think youve made a big step in trying to reach out and share and process the things that have happened to you. change never happens over night but with comittment and hard work we have the ability to change most things we are unhappy with, including ourselves. have you considered any sort of talking therapies to help you come to terms with your friendships and the incident? could really help you to come to terms with it which could help with the depression, and also changing the behaviours you make such as the self harming behaviour. (i know how hard that one is)

hugs

jj