Hello

[mleongla]

Hi, I wanted a way to express my feelings in hopes to help make me feel better,that's why I'am typing this out. To put it simply I am sad but I am also mad I don't
think it is your normal kind of sad or mad I feel like it's the kind that might be caused by some sort of mental illness like manic depression or depression.
I might have a mix of both of them because I have looked online and they all have a list of symptoms that describe what I have. However I have never been diagnosed by
a doctor. When I am sad it's because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere in the world. When I try, I feel like I get awkward looks maybe judgemental looks. Now you may
say just ignore them or you will find somewhere to fit in one day, however, I'm currently 24 I have gone through elementary, middle, high school and a little bit of
college and I never had a steady group of friends, it's not like I wasn't friendly or shy I just never had anything to say nor did anyone wanted to hear me when I did say something
there has been more then one occasion where I am talking in a normal or loud volume and people don't react to what I said I little feel invisible sometimes which is
really weird because I have been over 300 pounds for years since I was about 14 by the way I have been overweight my whole life. I shouldn't say no one wanted to hear
me sometimes people did but I always got a feeling like they just didn't like me even by my family. I don't think my family really likes me however I know they love me
but that may just be because I'm either their son, brother, or cousin. Now about the mad part. I want to mention first when I was little I used to have temper tantrums
a lot. Now I'm not sure if that is related to the mental illness part but I am putting it out there for any psychologist or psychiatrist. I still get mad but I try to
supress it because I get this look of either surprise or genuine scaredness from people which I can see why a 24 year old, 300 pound man can be scary but it makes me
even more angry that I can't get mad without people getting offended now that may seem obvious that someone will get offended but I have a hard time explaining that
some people can get angry and people are somehow cool with it but if I do they somehow get offended and come back with an attitude again I like to state that I'm not
sure if I am explaining this in a way so people can understand so if anyone out there know what I mean and can explain it better please do and I will point out whether
your explanation expresses what I am thinking. I want to say this as well I feel like I get blame or criticized a lot to the point when someone actually compliments me
I always feel like that person isn't sincere. From here on I'm just going to list things that are wrong in my life and mind because I will forget what I wanted to type
and right now I kind of in a groove in typing and I don't want to loose it. In speaking of grooves some days I feel like a champ I wake up so...I can't really explain
it but the best way I know how is "even" I'm not mad or sad I don't give a f*** about what someone says to me which I know if I had a off day would bother me constantly
although sometimes I start out feeling even then revert to my crazy mind self. I can tell you the way I express my crazy mind self is like a thousand thoughts repetition
of memories, daydreams, fantasies, hopes, dreams, nightmares, and scenarios that just pop out my mind by some minute thing that triggers it. That's why I love the even
days because my mind is calm I'm only thinking about now and everthing is categorized and I can respond to questions faster and more clever. I want to get help by going
to a doctor but I don't have money or insurance I just got a job at a retail store and Im living with my dad who growing up didn't have insurace for me and my family
he paid out of pocket so in a way it made me constantly worry about money since I was little however my priorities weren't straight when I was a kid so health wasn't
on the top of my list. By the way if this who story is grammatically incorrect and structurly just straight wrong forgive me I never learned grammar appropriately.
Anyway I know there is free health care although I always get the feeling that the level the healthcare might not be great and thus make me give up on life. Which is
another thing I forgot to mention I have thought about suicide multiple times since I was in middle school however lately I think about it more. which honestly things
are looking up for me like a new job, I don't have to worry about bills with the exception of paying my dad 100 dollars per paycheck he's helping me by the way
only financially but I still get those thoughts. Now you may ask why don't you get your dad to help well my dad has his own problems and he has told me "the less he
knows the better" even with health problems which I want to say my dad is a good person and a good dad but he can be an ass which I think he might be bipolar aswell
which I read is genetic which makes it more likely I am if it's true, although he will never admit it or go to a doctor for it, its just his way and beliefs. Living
with my dad makes me feel like a falilure before I was living with my mom which was worse. It wasn't because I didn't love my mom it's just she doesn't know what
to do or say in situations like this which by the way I have told my mom I have suicidal thoughts. I feel like I have no power, no control, over feelings and life in
general and I loosing time now I know some of this stuff is not true and you all might say something that to try to help me or cheer me up but like i mentioned before
I will feel like your not being sincere its not as if I always think that its just most of the time. I want to say I know I need some kind of help because if I don't
I'm afraid I might actually committe suicide. I hope this can get someones attention that can help me I really need something that is easy that can at least lead
to help.

[fallen]

i'm sorry your feeling this way.
it is important not to self diagnose especially from the internet.
go see a doctor and get help that way.
sadness is part of life we have to except this.
try and aim not for sadness nor for happiness ,finding contentment is much more achievable.
know someone cares ,take care of your self.