I have a partner that i live with who lied about two very important things. 1. he told me he was 30 and i found out he is actually 38 and 2. that he has a teenage daughter in another state (all of this was discovered after living together for a months or two)
I had a few panic attacks about it but am too attached and reliant to leave, i also cant tell if I'm in love anymore but i cant tell if im not? i moved out of home with this person and we moved one hour away for his job so i gave up my life i knew and moved thinking that i would have a VERY casual job for a few weeks and then find my feet and a career/job that i really love. this hasnt happened and its been three months and im just so so tired. I have always been into sports with netball being my passion... not anymore.
Im in a competitive team but struggle to get up and go to trainings and get fit so i can be a better player. I have a loving family however a very ill father to the point of hospitalisation and it doesnt look like he is going to get any better.
its such an effort every day to get out of bed, more so to wake up or to have a shower or to put on makeup, it just seems easier to go back to sleep so i don't feel so guilty about not doing anything and lazing around.
It seems so simple, find a job i enjoy, become less reliant, actually make a decision on whether to stay or go (relationship wise - I know I'm not strong enough to make such a decision now) and then just progress on things that make me happy (being fit and healthy and having energy and loving myself)
I can see it all in my head but am unable to do anything about it.
I have bad mood swings all the time and sometimes get anxiety with lots of stress.
I think the worst days ive had are when i just literally force myself to go back to sleep cause its a release from my thoughts, from the pain of not being proud of myself and know that im not something to be proud of by others. Its easier to sleep than the effort and enormous amount of self motivating it takes to get up and get going. I make a to do list but i end up postponing even the simplest of tasks like tidying the room or going to the shops to get essentials. I know ill feel better making progress but its just so so hard to get up and start. It has gotten to the point that i dont want to see anyone i just want to be alone, my relationship is really suffering and my partner doesnt understand and just thinks he is trying so hard and that im not appreciating him trying his best
. That hurts more. Our physical side has depleted significantly and i am just not attracted to anything (not just him specifically so that is strange to me), i just cant keep faking and making the effort to keep that part stable, it actually makes me feel so guilty because of it though.
I also hide it very very well from my friends but i hardly ever see my extended family and rarely see my parents because i know im wasting my life and my mother isn't proud of me, as much as she is trying to be. I hate it when family ask what is going on with my life when really that question is just a passage to judge. When i stay at my parents for a week to get away, to try and make a change, i get constant nagging and comments saying what did you do all day, can you help out the house more, why are you sleeping you slept all day... i hate being seen like that.
Im not sure if this makes sense and i actually havent told anyone about this but i dont know if that clasifies me at depressed or if everyone goes through this, and by this i mean having to force oneself so so so much to get up and even do the basic things of life. If so, its almost like it would just be so much easier to not bother anymore.
if someone who has had a similar situation or has been through the same symptoms knows what to do, please reply.