I just can't do this

[Stephen]

Year after year, and here I still am. What the bloody hell is the point? Everything just gets slowly worse and worse, with seemingly no one really understanding how bad things are. The usual, "Oh your future will be better/things will change for you," just means nothing as I've heard it all a million times before. Here I still am, in hell!

The only thing I want is to die. Why isn't there some understanding that when it's evident someone isn't going to recover from depression (it's been over a decade for me), and have zero quality of life, that they are "allowed" to exit their hell with some kind of dignity?

I feel like I'm going mad. I just can't stand this. What a world this is!

[erika/r|ka]

*hugs* stephen - i am so sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment. I wish i knew what words to say but I don't....it is a mad world for sure and unfortunately nothing will change that. However know that your friends are here for you Stephen....I definitely cannot change the world, but i'm always there to listen. Take care Stephen and hope you feel better soon *hugs*

[jen21]

I agree with you on so many levels Stephen. It's odd to me that there are things we are "allowed" to do when it comes to our own health. Its hard when you try for years and years to dig yourself out of the hole you're in and nothing helps. At what point is it considered "terminal" as it would be in any other disease? I'm not saying I'm pro suicide, you know me better than that! But I believe that its a personal choice that is for that person only to consider, and part of that choice is, ofc, thinking about others. I wish there was an easy answer Stephen, I really do. I have been to the edge of dying and back a couple of times myself so I do understand how bad it can be. And yet I still have no answers.

The world is not changing, and it won't. But sometimes, just sometimes, you can find people that can change your own world, and that makes it worthwhile, even for a little bit. That's all I've found to be truly worth it anymore.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

The world is not changing, and it won't. But sometimes, just sometimes, you can find people that can change your own world, and that makes it worthwhile, even for a little bit.

Agree with Jen, hope you find the right people to get you out of the depths you are in.

Sorry you are so down, and pray you will seek the proper help. If that was out of line, I apologize.

(((((((((((((((( Stephen )))))))))))))

Please take care

[Stephen]

(((((( Erika, Jen, Jeanie ))))))

Thank you so much for your kind words and your evident understanding of how I felt when I posted. What can I say? -- To those truly depressed, you'll know that sometimes this beast really does control us. It drives us into places we cannot control. This was certainly where I was a few days ago.

I was perhaps a little irresponsible and selfish in my post, because, like Jen21 I'm not pro-suicide. Ending one's own life does run completely against all that this site stands for and all the efforts I put into this site. Sometimes though, depression steals my mind, thoughts and I just was trying to reach out in the only way I knew how at the time.

I don't know why, but I do feel somewhat brighter. I know for a lot of people their personal relationships can make or break their depression. With me it seems that's not the case. Apart from the root cause of my depression (child abuse etc), my depression mainly stems from how I value myself -- and often I measure that in how things are going in my professional/work life. I'm sure it's self evident therefore, that things in this avenue of my life aren't going particularly well (to say the least). I don't know... it's curious to know what drags us down and how we do think about how our lives are going, i.e. what value they have.

Again, though, I'd like to say sorry for parts of my post (although they were beyond my control). I ultimately don't think there's ever any dignity in taking one's own life. For no other reason, than for those that are left behind.

Thanks for your support guys

We've got to keep fighting the fight.

Stephen

[jen21]

(((((((((((((((Stephen)))))))))))))))))

Never say you're sorry for letting out how you really feel! We have all been there and its hard. I'm so glad that you seem to be doing a bit better.

-Jen

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Stephen,

All is well with everyone and you. You have a move to make, like a new start. Good luck with that.

[Stephen]

Thanks (((((((( Jen & Jeanie ))))))

I hope things with you two are going okay -- or even I might dare, "Going well"? -- Things have got to go well for us soon by the laws of probability!

Love to you guys

Stephen

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((Stephen)))))

Sure those laws you were talking about are finally bending your way.

Luck!!

Jeanie

[Monty]

I am so glad Stephen that things are going better for you.

I have been in the mental health system for a long time, and like you I am definately not pro-suicide. I have fought long and hard to stay on this planet. Though at times I too have struggled with the rationale of some of those professionals that say that a mental illness is to be treated on the same level as a physical illness and then don't do it.I also admit I have fought, tooth and nail, to keep myself around for my kids.

I have found helpful to keep in mind "that 50% doctors finished in the bottom half of their class". Though I know that how they finished in the art of reguritation, has no impact on how compassionate a doctor is. I have a daughter who is quite academically gifted, so it isn't just sour grapes.

I cope better with my depression when I read about it. The books that I have found most helpful are the ones that are either written by someone with depression or are those that put together the experiences of others. I happened on one the other day at the library which I didn't realize spent an entire chapter on suicide.

Don't have enough room to relate the whole story other than the point that hit home for me. The author's mother was dying of cancer and when it got to the point that she could take no more, she got her family together and said something along the lines of "I spent my whole life, searching, and searching at it was only at the end that I realized that I had already found Paradise, it was when I was with my husband and sons".

For those that are sensitive (I know some phrases bother others that don't affect me) on how some ways that we are portrayed in print, I apologize in advance.
I also keep in mind "in an insane world, only the insane are sane"

[Stephen]

(((((( Monty )))))

Thank you for taking the time to read this thread I started when I was out of my mind with depression; and for replying.

Self help books are something that I've got as far as buying, but remain thus far collecting dust. I don't know why I can't seem to pick them up. Perhaps it's a little like I have faith in them from a distance, and I don't want that faith broken if they (as a concept) end up not being helpful.

Or if you mean (sorry, I'm working at half speed here), books that tell a narrative of others with depression, then I'm not sure. Take this forum for example, I often read what people have written and end up belittling what I go through myself. What I know really does help me when I have my black dog by my side is melancholic music.

Thanks again Monty, and I hope you've had a good weekend and have a good week coming.

Stephen

[Monty]

Am enjoying getting to know all of you by following this thread you started Stephen.

I think that I read the books because, if in them, I find any affirmation for the feeling that I am not alone in what I am experiencing, it makes me realize that maybe I am out of sync with the rest of the universe. I know at times I have definately felt that I am a round peg, in a world full of square holes.

The chance are slim to none, that the people in my life haven't noticed that I also belittle myself. My self-esteem gets pretty low at times. Just to reinforce the fact, my psychiatrist had to fill out a form for the government explaining why, for an income tax advantage, I am permanently unemployable. I mistakenly got back the form, I had forgotten a signature on my part so I know the intention was not that I read it. It said, on paper why he thinks that I will never work again.

Though I had known it all my life, seeing that someone put "because of self-loathing" on a form, sent my already poor self-esteem, into a nose-dive. That was several months ago. I think that I am starting to get over it. Now look at it in the light, doesn't say that everybody else loathes me. I am the only one, at least that he knows of. Maybe a moot point but it keeps me going.

You people are helping me more than you could ever know.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( Monty ))))))))))))))))))))

You people are helping me more than you could ever know.

What a wonderful thing to say!

Warmie/Jeanie