Hello

[luckygreen]

Hi, I am a 28 year old wife and mother of 2 children... My daughter is 6 and my Son is just about 4. There are a lot of things in my life that are beautiful, my husband and children are the most important. We bought our first home a little under a year ago, it is an older home and needs a lot of repair. As someone who has struggled most of my life I have learned that adversity builds character. I believe that the struggles I go through... and maybe it's this way for all of us... are supposed to lead so something stronger. The same way that time and pressure transform coal to diamond. I am comfortable with suffering. I have been in the dark place (what I call depression) so long that it is familiar. I take good care of my family. I take good care of my home. I am a good sister (I am the oldest of 10). I am a good daughter, daughter-in-law, aunt. I volunteer in my daughters class. I do everything a good person should do, and anyone who would look at me would think that I have it all together. Inside, I am dark and twisty. I cry when I am alone. I sleep whenever I can. I have gained weight. I am definitely depressed.

I had a rough start in life. Saw and lived through things that I can't repeat. I tried for two hours to write it all down in this story, but I can't. It hurts so bad to think of where I was before. I understand that I have emotional and psychological wounds that I don't know if they will ever heal. It is so frustrating to have come through the what all happened in my life and to somehow have ended up with this wonderful life, and to be so grateful and in awe of the beauty of my children and the love I have for my husband, and still feel so much anguish. I feel guilt for my depression. My husband does not understand or tolerate it. I have become an expert at hiding it. I guess that's not entirely true, because here I am spilling my pain to strangers because I don't know what to do.

That's all I can handle saying now...

[jessiela]

It must hurt to have a husband who doesn't understand. There are days when I get so frustrated with my life that I lose it on my boyfriend. He just sits there and takes it, waits until I'm done, and then gives me a hug and says, "I know it's nothing personal..we're ok." and he really means it. You deserve some one who can do that for you and it doesn't have to be a romantic partner- a best friend or sister or mother will do. Don't hide it from ALL the people you love. Find some one you can share it with because dealing with all that pain alone is only going to make the pain worse. You can still have a successful relationship with your husband if you leave him out of it and turn to some one else. Put yourself first for a half day and go have coffee with some one you think you can spill your guts to. There has to be somebody who will understand. And I'm sure your husband can at least understand that you may, "need girl time with a friend or sister" and let you escape from your duties as mother and wife for a couple hours. That's the best I got other than I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy about life right now.