Losing the plot... Am I depressed?

[reza]

Hi,
finally I found some place which might be able to help... I'm so confused and unhappy inside and I have realized I have been for years now - I just didn't accept it!

I used to be such a bubbly confident kid... Then at the age of 22 I moved from Europe to UK - I thought I was doing OK. Working very hard (as a retail manager working 6 days a week for the past 4 years) got a "new" boyfriend - we have so much love for each other... So everything should be amazing. But then something happened and few days ago I suddenly realized I lost my self somewhere on the way. There is nothing left from that confident, loud and happy person I once used to be...
I realized I've been hiding behind my work, because that's the only place I can be confident as I know what I'm doing, and I'm doing it well. My job is very customer based, I spend most of the day talking in a very friendly and relaxed manner to about hundred of people every day... But outside of my work I don't have a single friend and I find very difficult to go out and socialize...

Lately this brought problems to my relationship and I feel like I should just give up.
I've been crying my self to sleep and the voices in my head are saying it would be better if in the morning I just didn't wake up...
And then I get even more upset for being that way, thinking "Come on, don't be such a looser, stop feeling sorry for your self and put yourself together." So I get up and go to work again, but there are so many issues I don't even know where to start... And one minute I'm ok and the next something happens and I'm in tears again...

Am I depressed?

Also should I talk to my partner about it? I don't want him to see me like this and to put all my worries and insecurities on his head - he can't solve it anyway...
He was asking tonight what was going on, so I told him a little - but haven't got the "right" reply so now I feel even worse because it feels like even the closest person to me doesn't understand and invalidates my feelings...

[metaLarsllica]

((((((((( reza )))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I myself have been there and thought the same things as you. I put everything into my work as it is the only place feel truly confident. I would try and talk to your partner, let them know about how you feel, also maybe discuss with him if you think you should seek some professional. Sometimes depression can just sneak up on us. Please know you are not alone in all this. Glad you found a place you can come to.

Hugs
meta

[stillwaters]

Hello Riza
What you said brought back so many memories for me as I went through very similar emotional and mental issues. Please know that you are not alone in your struggle.
While I am not a professional, to me it certainly sounds like depression, but weather it is or not, something is wrong and you have made the first and probably most difficult step by admitting it to yourself.
Reaching out for help is the next step and you have now done that. Many people have gone through the exact same thing as you and it is a natural occurence.
I think you should seek professional help as therapy and perhaps medication can be a great help to your recovery. Also I think you should tell your partner as he probably knows something is wrong anyway and if you try to keep it secret, he may think it is something else you are trying to hide. If he loves you he will give his support.
When people are depressed, the natural chemicals they produce get out of whack, either too much or not enough. It was explained to me that the mind racing and feeling overwhelmed and exausted is caused by an overproduction of adrenalin which while we are not physically active it goes to our brain and will make us think incorectly.
There is treatment and cures for these conditions and things will get better for you. Please remember that.
I will also share something the person on the crisis line told me when I was feeling like you are now and I called them. She told me to consider, is the wanting to not wake more to escape my perceived problems or to escape my life. Once the problems have been dealt with life can and will be good again.
Things will get better.

[reza]

Hi guys,
thank you for your replies.

I just spent the past hour writing here only to be logged out at the point I clicked "Submit"!!

So just shortly this time:

I don't feel like talking to my partner much because he doesn't understand, always says "You're not depressed, you just need to stop being lazy and work on your self" and I know he means it well but it doesn't help when you come to somebody with your problems and anxieties and "Mr. Fix It" just says: "It's easy - just do this or that next time..."

When you cannot because of your low self esteem doesn't let you.

and I hate myself for not being normal and see my relationship fading away... I don't know what to do anymore...

Funny the previous post which wasn't saved was much more positive - and now I'm crying again....