Spiraling

[Alienoutofwater1]

I’ve never told anyone my full story.
No one knows the real me.
I have so many different faces that I put on. Some would call it being a responsible adult and keeping your shit together but for me I’ve always longed to be somewhere else. Somewhere that I can truly live.
Due to my own choices of having a kid outside of marriage, marrying his mother, and diving into a life I didn’t want, I am now sunk into a hole a debt, shame, and misery. Very little excites me anymore. I found joy in very few things. Even things, like golf or working out, that I used to whole-heartedly love, now are just gray. When I see my son, all I see are the ways I let him down and hope that he doesn’t turn out like me.
Back to my story...and my choices. Before my son I was very sexually active. I was a young bachelor finally experiencing a small (but I thought was huge) amount of success. I was living the life. Later I would find out that this sexual promiscuity was a generational habit that found its way to grow through me. This led to an unplanned pregnancy and the collapse of my life I had planned. I love being a dad more than anything. I love my sons (we’ve now had another) more than my own life. I love their mother as well but I have to admit this is a love of labor. I constantly wonder if the woman that was meant for me is still wondering out there while I spiral out of control in this life I’ve made for myself. I’ve read all the self-help books and talked to counselors and yet here I am. Typing on an anonymous board because I won’t let myself tell any other living soul what a let down I am. I used to be confident, bold, hard-working, and energetic. Now I’m just a shell or someone who owes everybody money. Each month is just a new opportunity to find out where the money I work for disappears to. Progress is so far away that I don’t even think about the future anymore. Day after day I see the reminders of how I’ve let myself down yet again.
I escape with weed. It used to be alcohol until I found that weed doesn’t give you a hangover haha
Weed forces my mind somewhere else, and if I use it correctly honestly helps me to climb out of holes that find myself in mentally.
But still I long to just run away. Constantly being told how to act, or what a successful father should be, or when someone asks what I do for a living and all I can think of is “work to keep my bank account above zero”.
I turned 30 this past Saturday. I envisioned my life at 30 tk be this exciting set up of a young family, consistent career, and impacting the people around me. Instead I’m coasting into this new decade with thoughts that everyone around me would be better without me. This is the first time in my life that I’ve had these thoughts of escaping. They’re so subtle and so sneaky. I daydream of being able to get in the car and drive away to no where in particular. I look forward to the minute that I can lay down in bed again and go to sleep. My dreams are almost like another life I get to live where nothing matters. I honestly look forward to sleep more than being awake with every fiber of my being.
But anyway. I’m laughing right now because this is the type of shit I see desperate people post on their facebook status to get likes and hope someone says something nice about them. Whatever. Maybe I’ll catch the right train next time around...

[Prycejosh1987]

I also looking forward to bed time, i love sleeping. Believe in yourself and love yourself. If you do that, then people could hate you but there will be that respect in the air. You will not fail in anything, loving and believing in ones self is very important.