Atypical Depression...all new to me

[mike_in_ny]

Hi all,
I just joined the forum a few minutes ago. This is a bit long...

I think I just discovered that I have atypical depression. I say 'think' because I haven't been to a doctor yet. It's just something that seems to fit the way I'm feeling. In fact, as I researched it more, I became convinced that I've probably been symptomatic for 10 years. I'm 26 now. When I was 16, I suddenly quit trying in school. I nearly failed my chemistry class despite my interest in science from an early age. I think that was my first concrete symptom.
Looking back, I remember a few key rejections that I think may have played a major role. I had a girlfriend then, my first girlfriend. Previous to dating her, I had been pretty geeky (big glasses, chubby, nerdy clothes, the works) and felt lonely. Once I started dating her I felt a lot better about myself - I know that sort of external validation is bad, but that's how I felt. I was really devastated when I found that she'd been cheating on me for some time. Around the same time (I don't remember the timeline exactly) I decided that I was agnostic. All but one of my closest friends were very vocally religious, and reacted very negatively. There were daily arguments. I was told I was evil, going to hell, etc. I felt very isolated.
In college, I was originally very happy. I had freedom, could choose my friends, could learn about anything I wanted - I'm interested just about everything, it seems. I had a lot of success in the first couple of years of college, studying journalism. I eventually ended up getting a degree in music instead. And then I moved to New York and went to grad school.

Based on the little bit they say about their past, and the way they act, I think one or both of my parents also suffered from depression. Growing up, I felt very alone. I have a brother who had a slight learning disability, and it always seemed like he got the attention. When I came home with straight A's, it was totally normal. But when he got a C, there was cause for celebration. Most of the feedback I got at home seemed negative.

Interestingly, I've very confident in my brain. I'm really smarthave a Master's degree in music, real aptitude for problem solving, and a strong sense of ethics. For some reason, I don't have any confidence in my personal preferences. I am very self-conscious about saying what kind of music or movies I like. What kind of restaurant do I want to eat at? Etc.

I also feel a certain amount of guilt over having depression. Other people have reasons to be depressed. They had abusive parents or illness or a job loss - some kind of 'real' problem.

I have a wonderfully supportive girlfriend who I talk things out with. Since I moved to New York from the midwest, I don't really have a network outside of her and her family. I have some colleagues, but few people I can really talk to.

I just thought I'd write all this down. Any comments or ideas would be welcome.

[Obayan]

The symptoms of different types of depression overlap back and forth so badly that it really does take a trained professional to adequately diagnose.

You sound like a very strong an dintelligent person. But depression doesn't discriminate. It hits people of all income levels, all aptitudes, all races, all religions. It hits the strong as well as the weak. You can have everything "thing" your heart has ever desired and a wonderful mate to go along with it and still suffer.

I think you took a huge step and with great courage decided to seek out help. This is a great place with a lot of nice people who are willing to listen and help if they can.

I hope to hear more from you.